"Hey Ma, how ya doin'? Just wanted to call and tell you that I have finally found the perfect woman for me. And whoa, can she ever hug good."

Oh we'll worship mighty Kali
Though embracing her is folly
She's quite an armful, golly!
And that's good enough for me.

Give me that old time religion...

What is the sound of 40 hands clapping?

Asian scientists demonstrate a fundamental misunderstanding of the right to bear arms.

I wanna hold your haaaands, I wanna hold your hands!

Sweet Caroline once again demonstrated the important of having "hands reaching out, touching hands, touching you, touching me."

"Where are all men, where are all men.

Here we are, here we are.

How are you this morning, very well we thank

you.........."

Discussion was fast and furious at the ASL convention held in Atlantic City earlier this week.

Desperate Democrats have come up with a new solution to "show of hands" votes in the Congress.

Suicide Bomber standing at the Gates of Hell: "No, no, no. Nobody said anything about 72 hands!!!!!"

Chinese scientists report the first successful human cloning. There appear to be slight superficial differences with the original, but what he heck!

Yup, Rosie O'Donnel's new massuese from Bangkok knew she'd have her hands full....

Say what you like about the expansiveness of the Mexican Wave, but wait until you see the compact precision of the Thai Wave.

The further up the Irrawaddy River that the travelling production of "The Vagina Monologues" ventured, the more seemed to be just lost in translation........

"The King And All Twenty Of Us"

...."Twenty Brides For Twenty Brothers" ?

The New York Yankees have announced their starting pitcher for the opening game of the season. In a surprise move, they're going with the 28 year old 40-hander...

The photographer's cover picture for the classic book "A Farewell to Arms" didn't quite meet the publisher's expectations.

The study of the common centipede has rocked evolution to the core, showing that while most humans may have evolved from primates, the Chinese have evolved from the centipede.

If you're happy and you know it, please let me know so I can put some earplugs in first, okay?

"And this is Agent Kanya, 007. As you might have guessed, hand-to-hand combat is one of her specialities..."

(I would additionally like to note, just for the record, that the lameness of the pun is - for once - fully intended. It is a James Bond reference, after all.)

Quan, at "U-Pick-Colour" (must be said w/ Chinese accent) fainted when she saw her new customer walk in the door.

If I hear one more "can I give you a hand" joke"....

"oooh! oooh! Pick me! Teacher, Pick me!

We are still researching why shares of Lee Press On Nails surged in anticipation of their earnings release this week.

Myopist,

Agent Kanya

Obviously her full name is Kanya Linda Hahn.

nyuck nyuck nyuck

Meet Lady Speed Stick's number one customer...

May I have a show of hands please? Do we or don't we have nuclear arms?

A case against government hand-outs...

On sale at K-Mart, the improved version of the Goddess Shiva was introduced today by Donald Trump and Martha Stewart.

U Bin Tak-Kin was disappointed in his Parent's Arranged Wedding to future fiance Shia Bee Reel Handdee (pictured)!U Bin's is an avid Multiple Foot Worshiper !

Hey , Bunny ! I am not into being an Arms , man !I'm into being an Gams , man ! Kindly kick off those heels and dance barefoot for me, honey !!

Behold! the goddes of bitch slappin'

NFL DRAFT:

Wide Receiver first picked.

Presenting the Working Mom of the Year!!!

News of the Bolton and Wolfowitz nominations finally reaches Madagascar.

If I have to watch Jon Stewart any more, I'm going to evolve."

Michael Jackson receieves the verdict in his trial (he has been ill, you know).

When twenty years old you reach, look this smoking hot you will not.

A new species is discovered in Asia: Martis Feldmanus.

"Oh yeah. Well, your mom looks like John Kerry!"

After several years out of the limelight, Ross Perot returns to the public stage.

You could warm up the probe.

An unnamed correspondent for the Star Tribune of Minnesota is shown here, exhibiting signs of the previously unknown final stage of Rowfing Lunavelociraptoris, otherwise known as "Barking Moonbat Syndrome".

Scientists have no knowledge of other US cases progressing to this extent, beliving that most sufferers move to Canada well beforehand in an attempt to alleviate the symptoms.

Coworkers note that the corresondent was reading the archives of the well-known blog Powerline when the final metamorphosis began. "The only way we still knew it was him was the eyes--they've been like that ever since the election," said one anonymous source, a highly ranked blogger. (AP photo)

"The Chili Cook-Off Judge"

PLEASE. QUIT. SQUEEZING. SO. TIGHT.

Richard Gere's nightmare : running out of clingfilm.

Nancy Pelosi's speech coach revealed at last.

Yes it tasted nice , but where do I spit the pips ?

Harvard faculty reacts to Larry Summers' latest speech.

Today Iraq,,,,,TOMORROW THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dennis Kucinich announced today that he is still campaigning hard and looking forward to the next debate.

When will the Schiavo news stop blocking out really important stuff, like the Michael Jackson trial?

Reveal Your Inner Oliver Willis

1) Only YOU can help deforestation of the Amazon.

So act now and send your donation to http://www.georgesoros.com

(Gee, I hope someone remains that can remember Smokey the Bear)

2) Examples of American life:
What happens to red-blooded (that's from the Red States...) American men when they see Pamela Anderson topless.

What happens to red-blooded (that's from the Red States...) American women when they see a Sandrail sale in Arizona.

You've got your Easter Bunny, we've got our Purim Tarsier. Now shut up and go have fun painting Matzoh balls.

Hold on, I think I've got the heat vision thing worked out now.

LOOK into my eyes--you will vote Democrat; you will vote Democrat; you will...vote... ..Democrat..

I did NOT inhale.

"I am Ross Perot's crazy aunt. And golly folks, this morning I got out of the basement."

Sorry - posted my captions under the wrong thread. Repeated:

Lemur - the other white meat!

Lemur - it's what's for dinner!

Okay , Judge ! I , too , WUZ seen naked by Michael Jackson !

Just saw Jacqueline's new photos.

Rodhamjuice
Rodhamjuice
Rodhamjuice ...

The local chapter of PETA is demanding Lasix eye surgery for all the 'residents' of the San Diego Zoo.

In an effort to convince the American people that they are the more compassionate political party, Democrats are replacing their ass with a creature "who can SEE OUR PAIN."

The Brown Tacos are bad.
Do not eat the Brown Tacos.

Senetor Pelosi, what's your reaction to Bush's nomination of Robert Bork to replace Chief Justice Reinquist?

Seriousry, she kicked my ass, and she rooks great in a diaper.

I'm dead sexy!

Isn't that Akebono, the famous Hawaiian sumo wrestling star, that M. Rice is embracing?

Damn girl, I could eat you up--no, seriously, I'm really freakin' hungry!

"I promised myself since I was a little girl, I could never love a man that I could wrap my arms all the way around."

"I told her my manhood was in proportion to my waist size, and she believed me!"

No, no, no lady! For the last time, I am NOT Reuben Stoddard.

Condi Rice has grown an extra head with a man's haircut. Condi has hired a suma wrestler to hush the extra head since it talks like a parrot and has been heard to say, 'Condi likes it wild in the sack.'

Rice: Whew! I'm so glad I listened to that Anna Nicole ... whatever her last name is, and stayed on TrimSpa.

He's four times the woman I am.

So, you last name is Rice? I wonder if you taste good, bitch!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and lefty blogger Oliver "Fat Boy" Willis agree to disagree: Sushi for her, Kobe beef for him. And lots of it.

One of these two is full of hot air and likes to throw their weight around, the other is a sumo wrestler.

"ah, the michael moore award? i really owe it all to bill, for introducing me to those big macs....."

"Hey, Konishiki, 47 cheeseburgers to go....and hold the rice....

Culinary note - large sushi roll and condiment.

"Now, gentlemen of the press, this is what a healthy North Korean should look like...."

We saw Nadia Comanche being almost nudely doing her routine at The Stripper Pole ! She accepted Prince Harry's Marriage Proposal ! Okay , Condi !Let's Give Her The Old College Try : You Go , Girl !

We both saw Nadia Comanche doing the Stripper Pole barefooted and being nudely at that ! That is , at the The Cheetah Club !

My secretary is VERY pleased.

Thank you ActForLove.org!

W.

Wait until I get you home and the fun will realy start.

For the first picture:

"Wow, Odd Job, you were right--You can hit John Kerry from all the way over here."

Today's Sushi Special: Large Hawaiian Roll with side of Rice -- $5.99

Brawn & Brains

Condi and Mr. Roni get a big laugh at their nuptial announcement ... Rice-A-Roni®.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turbans

No, Sally Field, that's not Flying Nuns...it's Flying Burkas.

You thought Catholic school was hard?

Anything you can do I can do better--with your permission--and the grace of Allah--if the Mullahs allow--if you tell me to do it.

The Tehran Cowboys Cheerleaders!

Martha's Minions demonstrate their new Martha Stewart Extreme Wedding, combining the elegance of advanced assault weapons skills, the simplicity of one-color fashion, and the New Martha attitude she picked up during her recent sabbatical.

If one of these women asks if her outfit makes her look fat, say nothing and take cover.

Female members of Harvard's faculty prepare for action against Larry Summers following the latest no confidence vote.

With membership declining and more women electing to become homemakers, the National Orgaization of Women has decided to use a more forceful approach to promoting feminism.

Pictured on the right, Ali "Alice" Mahammud is thankful for the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Says Alice, "I'm just grateful for the chance to put on a burka and carry a gun just like any other Iranian gal."

The new Mel Gibson film ... Birdlike Bugaboos

Yahoo-Pictures: Iranian SAS officers (Specialist Armed Sisters) practice storming a building to rescue Iranian hostages from European terrorists.

Ashadi al Hamidi, far right in this photo, was described by a neighbor as "a quiet woman who kept to herself."

Star Wars Episode VII: Attack of the Jawas.

I can't comment, its just too good

How does she rappel so modestly?

Inshallah Spray Starch for the active woman!

Yo, I think I can see under her burka.

Delta Burqa

"Cheeseburqa, Cheesebourkha, Cheeseburkha, Cheeseburga, Cheeseburqua"

Seen here the deck and rock wall on the cutting edge Islamic cruise ship.

Unbeknownst to the women joyously celebrating Supreme Mullah Day, orders had come from above to swiftly punish those not participating with enough vigor. God Willing.

"Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem."

[bam!]

Despite considerablr fighting skills, the lionesses for Allah still aren't allowed to drive.

We're not the Persian People's Front. We're the People's Front of Persia!

Wanker!

Just some of the virgins awaiting the faithful in paradise.

The Virgins Regiment created to exclude its members from being one of the 72 virgins awaiting the suicide bomber in paradise.

Private school one-upsmanship.

"Nuns with rulers my ass. . . Bring it."

The Khomeni High drama team, here seen practicing their rendition of "Peter Pan."

In backgroud, Jodi Potter (Pictured back, right) proclaims "I believe in fairies!"

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL presents ... La Nu Clear

B.J.(redux)

"Get Your Hillary 2008 Merchandise Here."

And now for a special one night performance, Ayatolla and the Flying Burkettes, performing the Kalishnikov Rhapsody in C minor.

Tell Dr. Evil, I really don't care for those Iranian Fembots!

So this is what happened when they banned Midol, Daddy?

"Look! It's the Ninjahadeen!"

In the headlines today, new fuel was given both sides in the argument over Women in Combat when Army Headwarters were invaded and overrun by the Burka Brigade.

Playboy's Girls of the Islamic Guard edition was their worst seller to date.

"I'm just saying, as a visiting American, that it was the weirdest fire drill I ever saw."

How long is this bootcamp?

The American Kennel Club has officially announced the approval of a new canine breed: The Howard Dean.

The Borg were not as fearsome in their earlier incarnation.

"Hello, DogStar?"

Blogging? Been there, done that, bought the collar...

"Don't forget the Beggin' Strips, Ma!"

And look! There's a dog driving a bus! - Chief Wiggum

BARFIGNUGEN: A dog in a volkswagen

Most intense SUV testing ever; "Let's see if the dog will eat it."

The newest installment of Harry the dog's favorite game: "*NOW* guess where I did it!"

Look, let's not do poker again... BORING, ya know?

"Shopping is so tedious but at least she doen't expect me go with her anymore to hold her purse."

What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas!

I can't get enough of this clean air!

I told you to get back here quicker, Dad!

Your seats in here are turning yellow BTW.

I am Billy Joel's chauffeur. No human would take the job because he always takes over the wheel at inauspicious times. Me, I just say, 'Get in the back and sleep it off, Billy. I'm driving.'"

Sandy Hood quickly found out that 1) it is not wise to stick your head out of the sunroof and 2) the button that closes the sunroof on the 2003 Kia Sportage is on the center console.

The Worlds First Drive by Sniffing