What we do, Mr. President, instead of a wall we're going to station 6000 used car salesman here on the border. One - They won't miss anyone who enters their zone. Two - They'll be able to annoy them back across the border.

"Mr. President, New Mexico's Richardson and Caleeeefornia's Terminator are always pissing everybody off. Texas is huge. Some of it can go. Nobody can find Arizona on a map so it won't be missed. Why not use Shock And Awe again? Create a chasm between the United States and Mexico with waters from the Gulf of Mexico and the Pacific in between. A natural border!"

"You take a right at the organ pipe cactus, go back there a bit and everybody just goes on the barrel cactus."

"Pull My Finger Mr. President."

Ok, once again. Mr. President, you will play the Good, Aguilar here will be the Bad and the gov will be the Ugly.

Don't worry Mr. President, we've got tighter security here than a Super-Max....GOTCHA!

"Your ranch security to keep that Sheehan woman out is just about finished Mr. President."

"And where you're standing, Mr. President, is where we'll be putting up the sign that says 'Back Of The Line Starts Here'".

"Welcome to Chappaqua, Mr. President. We're proud you've come to see how Mrs. Clinton keeps the interns off the premises, and we agree there may be some good lessons here for the nation as a whole."

I eat breakfast 300 yards from men who are trained to kill me, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash the Seal of the President of the United States of America, and make me nervous.

"A Chain Of Taco Bell's And Motel 6's And We Can Cut Our National Debt In Half."

Patrolman: Where's your Green Card?
Bush: I don't need no Green Card, I'm American
Patrolman: Oh Yeah? Well then, who is the President of the United States?
Bush:The guy from Death Valley Days...John Wayne.
Patrolman:Alright, lets Go!
Bush: Thanks for letting playing along Gus, I love that Cheech Guy
Patrolman:No Problem Mr. President.

"If You Tickle Them On The Belly They Roll Over And Play Dead."

"This here's a boring border, Sir. We mostly watch American Idol, look at girlie magazines and practice our shooting for when Cheney visits."

Do you have papers sir?

"For fun? Well, for fun we take our six shooters and make 'em dance."

So this is where Mexico is supposed end...

"But I'm tellin' ya, Sir, the only way I can man the fence with the budget I've got is to hire the Mexicans."

"Put Up Loud Speakers And Play Regis Philbin Music; That Should Drive Them Back."

"We'll Do It Your Way But If My Yard Doesn't Get Mowed You Can Explain It To My Wife."

Who's this? Oh, let me introduce my siamese twin Barbra.

Well, we don't have enough funds for a real alarm. Instead, I just flap my finger over her lips real fast like this and it makes that budda-budda-budda noise.

Uh Fred, "finger in the dike" is just an expression.

Mr. President, does your new border crossing policy allow me to arrest you for crossing us?

Officer: President bush, this is Juan, he came to America to do the job Americans want you to do. Namely, seal the border.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate."

"Well, actually, Mr. President, they can hide real good 'cause most of 'em is only about this tall."

HEY! This is the telephone pole in the background! How come no one ever captions us background objects? We're important too! Without us the background would just be boring sky! Who's with me?

Fence: I am!

Tower: Me too!

"El Presidente, mi estados es su estados."

"Sir, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Gov. Napolitano? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You shill for amnesty, and you curse the Minutemen. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That amnesty's demise, while tragic, probably saved lives. Very soon, perhaps you can add defending its borders to the list of jobs Americans won't do. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in Washington, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like legal, citizenship, and green card. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending our borders. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps within the security of the very borders that I defend, and then questions the manner in which I defend them. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Nah, that's not the border. We had to put that fence up around the border patrol officer club or the illegals kept stealing our beer.

Sheriff to GWB: Now pay attention to me boy!! I need those Chicano's to dig a ditch right THERE for us to fill with burning tar. Pitbull here has the feathers in her van. Forget that President's plan, we are going to do it the right way here in Texas.

"Yeah, Mr. President, the guard tower and fences do look kinda makeshift, but we were figurin' by the way you were talkin' you didn't intend us havin' 'em here that long anyway."

"Oh yes, you bet Mr. President. Friendly Mr. Trigger Finger does impersonations too."

"Well, for the women we use the rape and pillage approach. With the men we set them 'don't ask' boys on 'em."

Ned Beatty picks his canoe partner for Deliverance II: The Rio Grande.

"I'm sorry Mr. President, but you are supposed to do-si-do over to Governor Napolitano before you promenade."

"I don't care WHO you say you are.

No papers, you're going back to Tijuana, 'Amigo'."

What's that noise, Mr. President?

Why, that's five guys on ATV's dressed in bright blue, just outside the wall.

"Yep, John Kerry was here, he threw some medals over the wall and then left."

"My man says to get outta oil and invest in building materials for fences, walls and levees."

Well, we tried setting up a Taco Bell, but that didn't help. Plus we had that yappy little talking dog to deal with.

I'll tell you what Mr President you go count to 100 and the Gov and I will go and hide.

Problem ..... what's the problem? I'll tell ya what the problem is, I haven't won one of these here doggone caption contests in a looong time.

We were talking about immigration?

Oh, did I mention that Emily Litella is my sister?

Border agent Bickle was never lucid without his first cup of coffee:

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh?

Walls don't fence in people. Ranchers do.

Sherrif: You know Mr. President, I really object to just using Praire Dogs as an early warning system here on the border. One we don't know that they'll Yep when an illegal comes across their home to alert us. Two I fear that your plan is to use Oklahoman Praire Dogs because they can be trained, but once they start breeding they'll start outnumbering the illegal immigrants and we'll end just having to shoot them.

President: We can't be shooting illegal alie.. immigrants from Mexico.

Sherrif: Well we can do that too, but I meant the imported dogs from Oklahoma ruining our environment and PETA getting on our case.

"Prioritize, sir. Worry about the border in a few days. Right now, care about American Idol."

You talk-in' to me boy?

President, my ass--you're going down!!

"Now Mr. President, when I remove my finger from under Janet's nose, you will see how effective the new Hypno-Detention method is - she will be in a very deep trance, but not fall over. That warehouse behind you is completely full of illegals in the same suspended state, and we need to know what you want us to do? Wake them up and let them go, wake them up and send them back, or build more warehouses?"

"I Hurt My Finger; Can I Get A Purple Heart?"

Man on left
"Heck we sound good. Let's try out for American Idol. On the count of three. One two three."
All
"Ooh my little pretty one, pretty one.
When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?
Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run.
Gun it comin' off the line Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona ..."

We are digging a moat the entire length of the border and we are using the dirt from it to build up New Orleans' dikes.

Then we will put some of Florida's alligators in the moat. See? It's a win-win-win!?