Thank you very much for inviting me to Comedy Central's Roast of Kofi Annan.

I caught a fish and it was this big....

I caught a terrorist and it was this big!

You think she's a little chunky now? You should have seen her ass when I met her!

"If I bash America, do I get the customary bag of unmarked Benjamins this big?"

I'd have to have my hands this far apart to hold the number of resolutions ya'll have passed and not enforced. Now where I come from, that dog won't hunt.

I hope you have nightmares every time you see a mustache this big.

"Yea, its got a Hemi."

I come to bury the UN, not to praise it.

Sorry Kofi, when your nose gets this big, even photoshop won't fix it.

Just give me a reason to go mideval on your buttocks, please.

"C'mon ever'body! Join in if y'know th' words!

He's got th' whoooole world! In his hands!
He's got th' whole wide world! In his hands!"

Y'all ever seen Cheney in the shower?

President Bush mimes a musroom cloud as he describes the U.S.'s response to Iran's refusal to halt their nuclear program.

"In response to your question: Yes, I did see "An Inconvenient Truth" and the one thing I noticed was that even though it wasn't on a wide screen, Al's ass still looked this big!"

I'd like to welcome Mr. Ahmadinejad, here to the U.N.. What's that Mahmoud .... how big is my?
Well, you could bend over and find out, or .... save yourself the severe irritation and just read my hands.
See, I can be diplomatic.

"Not me this time. Frankly, it was nice to see the Pope in a hell of a lot of trouble for a change."

Now, y'all wanna know how big a jack-ss Kofi is? HUGE! I was chattin' with him the other day, and - wooo, howdy. Dang, he didn't even know what a 20 Gauge is. Talk about a 0.410 bore.

"Honest, OTB is only about this far from the 9,000,000 mark."

Critics noted that in Bush's efforts to reform the UN, he failed to get the self-adhesive tiles on the wall to line up in a "pleasing" pattern.

Disney loaned the administration the animatronic President Bush to conduct the longest filibuster in UN history.

He is so mocking our peacekeepers with that tie.

...and his hair was perfect."

Ever notice how he only has three fingers on a hand?...Hah. Made you look.

The President tried some of his famous 'cat herding' techniques to get the UN to do something useful.

Mr. President, I don't mind the hand gestures so much, but can you please refrain from moving your hips when you tell us how screwed we are.

And I want to thank Sen. Reid and minority leader Pelosi for standing here beside me so we can show the world America is united behind the idea of keeping nukes out of the hands of Iran.

The AP apologized for the lighting highlights introduced into the photo. They were the results of having to remove the black face applied by the original photographer.

I have no use for the rule of law. I will kidnap whomever I please, torture them, hide them in an inaccessible prison, deny them access to lawyers or courts, and leave them to fester. I am a wreckless ideologue, governed neither by facts nor morals.

I had an approval rating *this big*. I took Excedrin, and it's gone!

My steel balls are this big!

(Dammit, Suzanne already did mine! Well, shit. Going with the obscure biblical reference.)

So I laid hold of the terrorist, the great bastard, who was as bin Laden and Ahmadinejad, and I cast him into the bottomless... what? Well, I just thought I'd do a sort of a big arms thing.

How close am I to opening up a can of Whoop A-s? About THIS close. If you guys don't get off your butts and do something about this Ahma...Ahmadin...this evil S.O.B. in Iran, I'm gonna...

"I admired Ann Richards. She had a sense of humor about yea big. Just ask my dad about his silver foot."

1) ...then there was this time at Harvard where I had to grab an elephant like this, and kiss. Little did I know they meant a Democrat.

2) Well you should of seen the crowd last night we had, and at the end I had to give Helen Thomas a hug, like this. God that was uncomfortable.

3) Bush thinking while speak, a dangerous move on his part. "This is the last time I'll need to speak here thank god. John Bolton's gunna clean this place up, then Donald Trumps gunna come in and make it all condos to pay the UN's budget after I slash it."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market. I am improved by this much. You'd think I'd be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change me. Nope, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

President Bush entertained the press corps at the UN by singing YMCA during a break in his speech.

"Look, you people. I'm right. I'm this right! See how right I am? You people who can't speak English. I'm right! Genau! Korrekt! Corretto! Perfecto! Mucho righto!"

"Ah, c'mon, Mahmoud, just gimme a big hug!"

Dubya's finally able to display one of Iraq's WMD's...

1) We've got warheads this small that can take Iran off the map. So I say, deal or no deal?

2) President Bush describes his ears before the plastic surgery.

"Are things really bigger in Texas? Let's just say mine gets this long."

Everybody stay still and quiet and I'll get that pesky bird this time.

"Not for nothing, but, ok, I have incurred their wrath. And now America, from sea to shining sea, is in for a terrorist shellacking."

...so after the bodyslam, I did an airplane spin toss on that Ahmad-in-a-head fella, just like this. We have a way of doin' things in Texas.

I hsve a question for the President of Iraq. Do the words "Molten Glass" mean anything to ya?

I'm Here Trying To Get Along, Someone Throw Me a Keffiyeh."

"We've Got Cat Fish In Texas Bigger Than This Ahamadinejad Fella."

"Bend Over Hugo And I'll Show You What Kind Of Damage A Donkey Devil Can Do."

I'm king of the world!

Sing it with me now Mahmoud, go ahead .... in Farsi even. Here we go now, ready ... I've got the whole world in my hands .... don't cry Mahmoud.

"Listen up, U N! Two weeks from today, on October 5th carried on ESPN at 8pm ET, I will pummel the Pope. But only after somebody, anybody, whoever can do it stops my wife, Laura, from running around with Bill Clinton. "

"FYI: I just cut one this big so the rotten egg smell lingers until Chavez gets up here."

Reporter: 'Mr President, how much bigger is the deficit now than say five minutes ago?
President: "So big"