Police have an APB out for Homer J. Simpson, the alleged assailant. The giant jelly doughnut's family has requested police protection and is in seclusion.

After successfully criminalizing trans fats, the Food Police are now investigating refined sugars.

The Police would not comment on their ongoing internal investigation.

Finding no golden eggs, Jack reluctantly returned to the beanstalk.

Kirstie's Alley

After centuries of ridicule, Humpty Dumpty's family conducts a murderous campaign.

What strange creature has been born and roams our streets?

<unutterably obscure>

New evidence surfaces which suggests the Warren Commission may have concluded wrongly after all.

</unutterably obscure>

Preliminary reports from local police indicate that the BOSTON CREME STRANGLER has struck again, only this time he picked the wrong victim and apparenty ran off when he realized it was JELLY.

Ich bin ein Geleekrapfen.

Jelly Donut: "Ich bin ein Kennedy!"

"Ich bin ein Berliner"

OJ found the real killer, and he was delicious.

The CEO of Dunkin Donuts could not have suffered a cruller fate.

McGehee grabbed my idea. But I would have done it better.

* Jack the Doughnut Ripper strikes again.

* Tim Hortons has offered a $10,000 reward leading to the arrest and capture...

* The local police are suspects....

* John F. Kennedy, shortly after announcing that he was a jelly doughnut.

* More proof that Elvis is alive.

* COPS is filmed on location....

Oh my God! Trump killed her! He killed her!

For reasons as yet unexplained, Wesley Snipes chose not to appear in the fourth Blade movie.

McGehee grabbed my idea.

You need to upgrade your telepathy firewall.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson is being held for questioning.

rosie o'donnell barely got one bite before donald trump yelled at her and she ran off.

After taking one bite, the perp ran off looking for a 20 gallon cup of coffee.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson is being held for questioning.

"Thank you, thank you so much!"

Kirstie’s Alley

I won't even try after that!!?? :-)

Dan Brown's latest novel takes us into the dark underbelly of the secret society which is The Royal Order of the Giant Jelly Donut.
Their motto..."Cake or death."

1) At the police station lineup: "Ma'am now look closely at these suspects we've brought in that could be tied to the crime, we have the Crossant on the left, the Bagel (with creme cheese) in the middle, a Krispy Kreme next, Ruff McDuff the Crime Dog last (with red jelly on his lips). Which one did you see in that alley?"

2) Well now I've seen everything a bare-footed donut stealer. What has the world come too.

3) Pierre had to bemoan the theft of his world-class jelly-filled donut by homeless teens. But at least it would feed them each for a week.

4) Who let my donut out?!? Who? Who?

5) The French government quickly tried to down-play the rash of human-vs-donut assaults and began setting up a safe zone for the tasty treats. Another creaping facet of dhimmitude.

6) The revenge "assault" of a kruller (sp?) verses a midget was even more gruesome.

I don't think that I can take it, 'cause it too so long to make it, and I'll never have that recipe again."

AP denied that the crime scene photo was in any form photo-shopped or enhanced. However the man they say is the photographer disclaims ever having taken the photo, they aren't publishing photos using that source and AP has issued a news release decrying those focused on this one donut picture while ignoring the mounting evidence that the Bush regime is growing pod people in jelly donuts as part of his plans to impose theocratic rule over the US.

Al Gore blamed the unexpectedly large donuts on global warming, citing this photo as proof.

That's why I don't like the filled donuts. Too messy and the police can track you down to easily.

Wait a minute. Why would Michael Moore be barefoot?

After viewing the crime scene, Nifong rounded up the entire Duke women's rugby team for a "lineup."

Do ya get the feeling that the "Monk" writers are running out of ideas?

An anonymous detective was quoted as saying, "This is almost as bad as that cereal killer we had last year."

NEW THIS FALL ON CBS!
CSI: DUNKIN' DONUTS

"Be on the lookout for a white male, 5'10" 375# on a massive sugar high."

Just as Hillary Clinton announces her 2008 Presidential bid, more information surfaces on the suspicious death of Blintz Foster.

After crime scene investigators examined the evidence and talked to witness's, it was determined that an employee for Krispy Creme might be involved. Sure enough, Raja Drabar, 32, was taken into custody -- he was caught 'red footed'.

Cop: "Nuhhing to hee here, holks!"

The Jam-Filled Dahlia

In an early version of The Terminator, you could only travel through time encased in a jam-filled doughnut.

How come the tape says do not cross and then they cross them? Is that anything like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters?

It's an old Sicilian message, Guido sleeps with the Danish.

A publicity poster for Harold Pinter's "Jamlet", with the subtitle, "There is something wrong with the state of the Danish."

Someone took great offense when Barry Melrose said, "Have another donut."

The detective said, "Strangely enough Captain, a number of Elvis sightings were reported last night as well."

Holmes barked, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."

Captain Renault ordered, "Round up the usual round suspects."

Revenge is a dish best served cold. With powdered sugar.

This looks like a case for the Bakery Street Irregulars.

This time, Mayor Bloomberg's Trans-Fat Squad weren't just pussyfooting around.

...it's filled with caption jam, of course.

1) Wyatt strikes again!

2) After being pointed out as the only size 13 shoe size, Lt. Smith was forced to turn in his badge for "tampering with evidence."

When a diabetic gets mad, insides are gonna spill.

Detective: Messy. What is it?
Sam: The, uh, stuff that donuts are made of.
Detective: Mmmmm..., donuts.

Crime of passion by a jellyous lover

Tonight a stunned city is left to ponder...who could have iced this prominent donut?

Police confirm another tart has been slaughtered in London's White Chapel district....

Police are on the lookout for an overweight surfer dude......