Don't you recognize me? I was once the NetRoots administrator for John Edwards....

Are you gonna eat that booger?

America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, made riding the NYC subways safe, but under RINO Mayor Michael Bloomberg CRIME HAS RETURNED.

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful....

You'll be real sorry, if you forget Valentines Day again this year.

Psst Mister, can you spare a pint of blood?

Nancy was so busy in her new position as House Speaker that she inadvertantly let her regular botox treatment schedule slide.

1) Public Service Announcement: When amongst zombies, please refrain from doing anything to show them that you might have a tastier than usual brain.

2) What do you mean Meth messes you up?

Hey, pal. Pick it or don't. JUST STOP PLAYING WITH IT!

Hey, you're pretty cute!

Did I mention I used to be an astronaut? Hello? Look at me dammit!

"Boy, the subways in this town are just full of freaks. I mean, what kind of guy parts his head way over on the side like that?"

(I just noticed I typed "head" instead of "hair," but y'know, I'm going to let it stand.)

Darn it, McGehee, you beat me to it. Oh well, I'll give it a shot anyway:

Most. Available. Seat. Ever.

Hey you, Do you know where I can ind Cyndi Lauper

"I'm thinking of changing jobs. Sure, the pay is good, but the commute is a killer."

A PBS viewer shares a metro ride with a Fox News fan.

On her way to her new job at NASA....

Every four years the DNC blesses one city with its convention.

Blind date

I wouldn't be caught dead with that guy.

Keep reading. Keep reading. Pretend not to notice.

Rabid transit.

Jim quickly pulls out his 'Worst Case Survival Handbook' and turns to the chapter on zombies.

Heellooooo Mr. Boring Suburban Guy!

Heellooooo! Yoohooo!

I am, like, so trying to challenge your whole comfortable little uptight sheltered worldview.

Would you PLEASE notice?

Him: "That's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Her: "You've got not chance, bud."

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: the Later Years

::cue Odd Couple music::

Narrator:
On November 13th, Felix was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would offer her up as a sacrifice to the Prince of Darkness. With nowhere else to go, he arrived at the grave site of his childhood friend, Dolly Madison, and raised her from the dead. Sometime years ago, Dolly had been killed by her parents and buried, with pennies on her eyes. Can a divorced man and a recently created undead minion of Satan share an apartment without eating each others' brains or sewing salt into each others' mouths?

Hey, mister... wanna go to the mall?

I agree you dance with who you brung, but I didn't bring you.

It was at that moment that Tom stopped referring to Nancy as his better half.

Somehow I just don't think this "Women have a unique roll in politics" is playing well with the voters.

Hey, she cleans up well and is great in the sack (with the dog, monkey and snake).

There are two America's. Which one are you going to vote for.

Just my luck, I get stuck sitting next to the weirdo reading the book.

Call McCain and see if this counts as torture.

Tonight on "What not to wear"...

Lifetimes' series "Straight, Gay, or Taken?" proved so successful that CBS has seized upon the premise for its new show "Geek or Ghoul?" Insiders are reporting that Dan Rather and Katie Couric will appear as celebrity contestants.

"Brains."

Although in disguise, Simon Cowell still can't seem to escape American Idol wannabes.

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?

After ten long years they let him out of the home. Excitable boy they all said. Then he dug up her grave and rode the Tube with her bones. Excitable boy they all said. Well he's just an excitable boy.

"Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon."

"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"

The Corpse Bride -- the Play!

"Yeah. well, I was for living before I was against it."

Amanda: Hey buddy, got any hot, white, sticky Holy Spirit to spare?

The Snickers commercial that didn't even MAKE the cut.

Cole Sear grew up, but never lost his "gift."

In an alternate universe -
a fame-less Rosie O'Donnell

...yeah, and then I got kicked out of the astronaut program. It's all politics! Not who you know but who you blow, knowhadImean? So then I took some time off to find myself...

Some people claim that those killed in the Madrid train station on March 11, 2004, still haunt the trains they died on.

It's just a cold-sore, honest!

Once you go dead, you never want head!

If she starts singing "Thriller" one more time I'm gonna thump her!

Its times like this that a mandatory burkha doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Denied her bigger plane, Pelosi went ballistic.

To this day Bill Gates never stops worrying about software bugs.

"Actually I'm more of a Singapore Sling man."

So then I says... "My intention is never to offend anyone for his or her personal beliefs, and I am sorry if anyone was personally offended by writings meant only as criticisms of public politics..."

Thanks for the First Place Tie - Elliot

"Bad hair day, more like bad hair century"!

"So what's a nice ghoul like you doing in a place like this?"

"What, you don't like my lipstick?"

Conductor: "Next station, Dante's First Circle of Hell. Doors open on the right."

Man: "Damn. I knew I should have gotten off at Foggy Bottom."

"Say mister, that's one ugly sweater."

Trainclotting.

"I mean, YOU try getting by airport security with a sawblade stuck in your back."

eHarmony, the dating service that features scientifically proven matching techniques, needs to review the academic credentials of its scientists.

A spokesman for Gene Simmons confirms that he's on his way to rehab afer having "a little work done."

"Yeah, it's my first day working on John Edwards' campaign. How did you guess?"

"So, Freddie -- just got back from Sweden, did you?"

"Yep. Hey, I almost didn't recognize you without the hockey mask, Jason."

"My doctor put me on Wellbutrin."

Trimspa's next commercial featuring Anna Nicole Smith, "You like my body?"

Dude JayTea at Wizbang is totally stealling your picture, he should be pointing people here if he liked your picture so much.

Irwin ignored her advances; necrophilia just wasn't his thing.

Director Danny DeVito has just announced a combined-revival movie, "Throw Psycho Momma From the Train," starring Anthony Perkins and Kirstie Alley, who had to gain weight for the part.

Anna Nicole Smith looking for her next billionaire husband.

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

"I only dress this way to appear more sophisticated."

"Hey buddy, can you spare an obolus for Charon's fare?"

Tensions were high between Parker Stevenson and Kirstie Allie...

I just want to be your Ghoulfriend, okay?

OK, so I don't look all that good dressed this way. But it does save me an awful lot of time waiting in line....

Hey... You gonna eat that?

"You think I look bad, you should have seen the other ghoul."

In year seven of 24, Jack Bauer has to save the United States from zombies who come back to life after the Cubs win the World Series and Hell freezes over.

"I can tell you how it ends -- the book, the world, whatever."

Deidre feeling desperately lonely decides to serenade a complete stranger:

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll have a whine
Chorus
I've seen a sign
Would you be so fine
and be my valentine

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined...

Isn't love grand

Deidre feeling desperately lonely decides to take a chance and serenade a complete stranger, she stares intently into Nimrods eyes and sings

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll have a whine
Chorus
I've seen a sign
Would you be so fine
and be my valentine

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think the worms have dined...

Isn't love grand