"The bearer of this Golden Ticket is entitled to see originalist thinking returned to the Supreme Court in their lifetime" WOW! It's a dream come true!!

A free trip to Neverland!

"Its the proof that Rove did blow Valerie Plame's covert identity! But he did it before W. was elected????"

"Bearer is invited to participate in over-budgeted, effects-driven cheesy remake of timeless classic for a narcissistic freak of a director who frequently cats his pedophile friends in supporting roles..."

"This Golden Ticket says I'm entitled to one wish. So, I'd like to see the people in my family each sleep in his or her own bed. I simply don't care what Michael Jackson says or does."

"Mommy, who is Jenna Jameson?"

Housing starts up 4.9%, year over year, seasonally adjusted!

"Wow ... Earn BIG MONEY, Start your own blog."

Tom the Newspaper man off-screen

"Run Charlie Run! Ted Kennedy is coming for your Golden Ticket to the Myers Rum Company."

With this golden ticket, you have been inducted into the Kennedy Family.

Redeem this certificate at your local middle school for one free crack rock.

So that is how you unlock the secret mod for GTA: San Andreas.

This goldent ticket brought to you by GoldenPalace.com

"Dear Charlie: I am the widow of the former Finance Minister of Nigeria..."

Ticket reads: "Congratulations, you've won Dubya's Magical Defense Plan. You have just been enlisted in the War against Terror. Please report to the Pentagon immediately."

Charlie: "Does this mean I have to go to Iraq?"

"Pick up girls? Ewwwww...why would I want to do that?"

Once Wonka opened up a chain of Chinese restaurants, everyone got a "Golden Fortune" after eating. But sadly, all Charlie Bucket's fortune said was, "Date and dinner the same - both dog."

"Ahhhh, another chance at this then. Great! This time, I'll sell it."

Wrecked for life: Good for one free Helen Thomas bikini calendar.

"Doggone it! I wanted to go to Disneyland!"

"Hey Dad! This must be secret agent stuff because it says "Shh, Top Secret, Valarie Plame is a spy, pass it on!"

"Aw, he's got a ticket to ride..."

"... Good luck Mr. Phelps. This golden ticket will self destruct in 5 seconds."

Cool! A signed, irrevocable letter of transit. But who's this Ugarte fellow?

As a child, Midas hoped that his parents wouldn't notice his grades by turning his report card into gold.

Mommy, what's a "golden shower"?

* Please, Sir, may I have more?
(Oh, wait, wrong script. CUT!!!!)

* Florida officials couldn't explain how little Timmy's ballot had chads on it, nor could them explain how a 9 year old got in to vote in the first place. But these issues didn't stop his vote for the Democrat from counting.... three times.

* Damn... they're making these PDA's smaller all the time, huh?

* I've won a date with Ruth Ginzburg?

"Bees knees! I should jolly well pass this on to Tony and Dunya so they can create a peaceful world. But those two are a bit dodgy. Nope, I'll be keeping this so I can move my family and our house in with Weird Willy."

"Charlie was aghast as the "Golden Ticket" he found was not for the chocolate factory, but for a free lap dance at Cheetahs.