On switch, where is the On Switch?

Batteries not included.

* To Imperialist US soldier:

This not an Iranian Nuclear facility.

* Dear Dad; Thanks for the new Stereo!

* The new and improved Windows Control Panel

* This does seem a bit much for a game console....

* Error 794: Bang right fist and left shoe on any part of console to continue

* OK, I admit it; there's only a 286 at the heart of all this. But it does LOOK impressive, huh?

"I'm afraid you've left a considerable carbon footprint ... Dave."

Johnny figured he'd tricked the Star Trek writers, he was wearing blue after all, but on page seven he found his uncomfortable death scene.

"Where's that deaf, dumb and blind kid that plays a mean pinball?"

"I felt like making a quick donut run, and was going to ask you to keep an eye on the monitors for me, but you were in the john. Be sure to keep an eye on the B-126 poump; it's been showing some pressure fluctuations so you should be ready to SCRAM on short notice. I hope you like chocolate frosted cake donuts."

Error Index:"www.atomicpower/outofcontrol.com" not found...

You can try again by typing the URL in the address bar or search the Web for "Kissyourassgoodbye.com"

Scientist have been able to build a machine to model a woman's emotional state. Manual not included.

A worker is seen checking the shipping list for the Chernobyl style nuclear reactor sold to Iran with Bush's blessing.

"Latte, Mocha, Double Shot, Add Chai, Add Soy Milk...I just want a damn CUP OF COFFEE!!!"

They forgot to include the Spanish language instruction sheet.

"We asked it who the Republicans could nominate to guarantee Hillary loses in 2008, and it said ... Bill Clinton?"

" ... flour, sugar, milk, eggs, ... DAMN, this is the recipe for disaster!"

Finally, reporters have the tool necessary to keep up with Milt Romney's changing stories - the FLOPPER 2008!

"Where's the 'any' key?"

Homer Simpson is lost in the new system.

1. "Whatever you do, don't press the red button."

2. To borrow from a Lou Grant quote on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, "Do whatever you want to do kid, just don't play with matches."

3. All these buttons and all I want to do is reheat a pizza. Friggin' manual doesn't say anything about that!

4. Nigel was quite happy because this volume control went to 12.

What your cell phone would look like if designed by the government.

Flush handle, where's the flush handle?

"Well, there's your problem -- you can only run Windows 98 Second Edition on this puppy."

"Pong!? Not even Solitaire!?"

"What does the printout say?"

"It says, 'Ask me again later.'"

Part way through the design stage, once all the features demanded by the end user had been incorporated, the new model iPod was about to go through a modest downsizing process.

"Man, 193 steps just to be issued one sheet of toilet paper... these printed instructions aren't gonna last long."

"Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-B-A-Start"

"Rule #1: Do not remove the cooling rods."

"Rule #2: DO NOT REMOVE THE COOLING RODS!!!"

Tech: ah crap....

Tech: It's the Large Hadron collider, Hadron!

Boss: Oh, what was I calling it?

On Fox this fall, Jeff Foxworthy's hilarious new sitcom, "You Might Be a Nerd, If..."

I think you may have the wrong photographer listed, or Mr. Lopez-Mills' assignments just took a turn towrdas the mundane.

Man, they misspelled "nukular" again.

Dear New Guy,

It is the custom to furnish a letter of advice and helpful tips. But I was unfairly fired. Here are a few boss jokes, some pictures of naked ladies, a key to nothing and a small used crying towel.

Good Friggin Luck!

"According to our calculations,the universe will reach the end of it's expansion as a result of the methane from 1 trillion more cattle,or, the next time Mike Moore goes to the Sizzler all-u-can-eat buffet."

Houston, we have a problem...

It says on page 17 if the Third Light goes red to press the ALT Button, but on page 21 it says to press the DUMP Button...

"YES! Gin Rummy! I win Hal,you smarmy bastard!"

"What do you mean there's no hope? I don't want my money back, I want a date!" -Computer dating before eharmony

A technician tries to find a number,in the mass of zeros below 1, related to Ron Pauls odds of winning in '08.

"Oh man! The instructions are in every language but english."

"'42.' What the hell does that mean?"

This vintage photo captures a 1970's era audiophile trying to balance his equalizer.

Frank Picasso liked to refer to the night shift as his "blue period."

Ironically, the producer behind "Dark Side of the Moon" was actually learning on the job.

Later in pre-production,they decided to tone down the role of the ships computer and let Cpt. Kirk dominate the screen instead.

"Doctor Chandra...why are you frowning?"

"You've got worms, HAL."

* The world's first battery operated nuclear power plant control center.

* John found himself alone in the Nuclear plant, with a sign on the door saying that the rest of the staff had 'Gone Fission".

* Where are the nuclear wessals?

* The world's largest Fidonet BBS. 24 lines, no waiting.

* And who hired the Smrufs to paint this place?

* But Captain!! The Engines are cold!! We need at least 20 minutes for a pre-heat cycle!!!

* Do you mean to say you never handled the controls yourself?

* Whadda ya mean the whole thing is written in BASIC?

Dang! They forgot to give me the English Instructions.

Mutters to himself:
Just look busy and no one will be the wiser. Pretend you know what you're doing.

Step 1: First you press the yellow button
Step 2: Wait 5 seconds
Step 3: Depress the toggle switch on your right
Step 4: Count to 3
Step 5: Not that toggle switch you idiot! the one on your right, but at the top.
Step 6: You got it, now count to 2
Step 7: Press the 8 buttons at the bottom
Step 8: one, two, three....eight, that's right
Step 9: Go for coffee and return in 15 minutes
Step 10: Fifteen minutes are up. Now, where the hell are you!
Step 11: Hey, no sleeping on the job.
Step 12: Hmmm, get your instruction sheet
Step 13: Now go back to step one and start all over again until you reach step 7
Step 14: Man you're dumb, I said step 7 not step 9

I thought you said you did this before?

Read the instructions, you say.
Man I never read instructions.
It goes against everything I believe in.
Don't worry, figuring this out will be a breeze.
You can trust me.

Turing Magazine centerfolds are in Binary.

My votes, not that they matter, in no particular order:

"Turing Magazine centerfolds are in Binary." - Cowboy Blob

"Whadda ya mean the whole thing is written in BASIC?" - Bithead

"'42.' What the hell does that mean?" - charles austin

"Blah, blah, blah, blah. I am moving in with your brother. It worries me that you may do something stupid. Blowing up the city would be stupid. But it would be better than coming after Lester and me. So, do what you think is best."

"'You must await confirmation from the National Command Authority before launching the missiles.' Crap."

"Don't buy a computer at the store, they said. You can build your own much cheaper, they said. @#$!!"

1. "Mr. Burns, Homer Simpson left his work station. Wait, he left a note: "Gone drinkin'."

2. "Wait a minute. The rebels could destroy us if they hit this exhaust port! Who the hell designed this thing???"

Step 2 - Simply Press the button.

Damn, they did make a mainframe just for porn.

"Okay, I've got the engine started. Now how do I back out of the driveway? Dammit, I never should have bought a hybrid SUV."

"Adjust the toast setting to desired degree of crispness..."

Many of us have forgotten how complicated it used to be to program a VCR.

"Now if I could just get it to stop blinking 12:00 I'd be all set."

Where in the hell is that Mac guy when I really need him?

Congratulations on your purchase of Skynet! You can now look foward to days decades of security under Skynet's protective umbrella...

Christopher Lowell's personal version of Hell.

Troubleshooting: 'If all else fails, try checking the power plug on floor, duh'

And you thought that electronic voting would make things simpler. . .

My God!
A five MEG hard drive?

Hmmmmm, Electric bill. Yousa, $7359.00 Dollars!!!

Love for one's computer has reached the trouble stage when you start color coordinating your wardrobe.