"I'd hit it."

"Fingercuffs!"

It's an American joke George Bush told me: Pull my thumb.

"We're still on the same page, right Vlad?"

"Oil for food? My lips are sealed, Puti-puti."

"Try to guess where my other thumb is, Vladimir."

Here are three:

~Is the UNSCAM coverup proceeding as planned Jacques? Yes, Vlad, we've got a Newsweek story that is to die for running this very week.

~Hey, did you catch Condi in those boots? GRWWWW!

~The plans for the Death Star will soon be in our hands, and the rebellion will be crushed. All that has happened is as it was foreseen.

Ya think I could pull out a plum boss?

Rock covers paper, Chirac wins!

"You can get your thumb out of my ass anytme, now, Carmine...."

Hooonneeee, who *is* this funny-smelling guy and why is he looking at you like that!?

"Hey Vlad -- nice ass!"

"Thanks, Jacques. I've been hitting the gym."

"Lyndon B. Johnson, Martha Stewart and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'"

Not with you.

"PPPffffffttttt"

Lady: Oh my god Vlad, you stink!!!!

Man on left: Good one Mr Putin....Borscht
again for dinner last night?

Putin: Da, it was a bit wet too!!

She's into thumbs being sucked ,only !!!

Thumbo baby!

En France, ceci signifie que vous sucez!

"As a matter of fact, Vlad, I HAVE always wanted to have a threesome with two world leaders. Is Jacque up for it?"

I offer my condolences, Vladimir... with a putz only this long, I'd want an army to feel like a man, too.

"I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"

Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite?

"I will give you 3,000 Swiss Francs and a night with my wife Svetlana if you give me Condi Rice's phone number"

Grandma Marie's House of BDSM is not for the timid.

"Never a cop around when you need one? Keep a spare or two and be confident!" FOP ad in the AARP Journal.

In a forgotten episode of "Batman" -- starring Adam West and Burt Ward -- arch-villainess Mother Anti-Gravity robs the Gotham City Museum of Modern Art after pinning the security guards to the ceiling, helpless.

"Darling, if I can wear my bosom as an extension of my neckline, officers of the law should be free to walk upside down ... period ... end."

"So the chief says we have to stay like this until Al Sharpton leaves town."

"Glory B. Too much to take. What was that number to the Betty Ford Clinic?"

Protect a little old lady? We can do that standing on our heads!

* Well, they just have a different view of the world... that's all.

* Ya ever feel like you were stuck in a Monty Python sketch?

* Jack, you said we could look up their dresses from here. This one's all that's gone by us.

* Uh-Oh... It's the Yoga Police....

* No, ma'am... we're not drinking on duty. You ever try drinking while standing on your (hic) head?

* Well, look at the money we're saving on Hairpeices....

* The really odd part about it, Sam, is that they're both snoring....

With military and police training slow going in Iraq Coalition officials turned to the TV smash it SuperNanny.

"Maybe next time I tell you boys to stop whatever you're doing, you'll listen."

"I may not know much about art, but I know what I like. And I don't like this."

[re-edit of my first submission]

In a forgotten episode of “Batman”—starring Adam West and Burt Ward—arch-villainess Granny Gravity robs the Gotham City Museum of Modern Art after pinning the security guards to the ceiling, helpless.

"Liked the line, shape, form, value, space, color and texture. And rather liked the bulge."

Elderly ABUSE!

"When will these officers let me down from the ceiling?"

"Back in my day, no respectable police department would have thought of hiring a bunch of inverts."

dat RODNEY KING be one bad ass artiste.

The introduction of the TV show COPS on the Sundance Channel was met with mixed reviews.

"An added touch might be to wrap and tie their jackets around them ... just to affect the effect."

Man, these Turner Prize finalists keep getting worse and worse.

Steven Bochco really should have stopped at "Cop Rock"

*..... And in that horrifying moment, Sylvia knew in her soul, the alien invasion had begun.

*--Lessee... Stockings falling down over Air Jordans... Yeah, that's her. Cuff her, Bruce.

* -- Tragicly, Wilma never did see the warning label on the police officers, saying "This end UP"

* Feet smell, noses running... yep.

* Tori Amos appears to have aged, somewhat.

* The world of Law Enforcement has been turned umop apisdn

Pfizer announced today that its new rheumatoid arthritis drug could have unpleasant side-effects.

Topsy Turvy , Anyone ?!

Yeah this shift sucks, but at least we don't work at Newsweek.

She had that effect on men.

"Ooh, ooh, I know! Man! For he crawls on all fours as a child, walks upright as an adult, and then uses a cane in old age," Putin answered, oddly enough, on Mother's Day.

"Ooh, ooh, I know! Man! For he crawls on all fours as a child, walks upright as an adult, and then uses a cane in old age," Putin answered, oddly enough, on Mother's Day.

I broke it off, but since I'm not the leader of a democracy, I don't have to answer to you!

I broke it off, but Bush is breaking the backs of the proletariat!

"I hereby claim dis territory for de new and improved United Soviet Socialist...eh? Not yet? Hokay...but my patience, it grows thin."

* But you know how it is when you get sand up your nose... why, you could sneeze it right off.

* (Nod to Emo:) Yeah, it reminds me of my grilfreind... she's large, mysterious, eternal... her nose was shot off by French Soldiers....

"How does it smell, you ask? It sphinx! Har! I kill me!"

OK, Sphinx, Now I'm gonna teach you somthing Chirac taught me. It's called "Surrender-cizing." You just put your hands up over and over again.

"Breaking off the Sphinx's nose was one of the greatest political tragedies of the 20th century."

One of these two is a relic of a failed system, the other is missing a nose.

How do you stop a Sphinx from smelling?

Vlad couldn't qualify at home, so he searched out abroad before finally landing an appearance on Egyptian Idol.

"Gentlemen, centuries of iniquity look down upon you ... no, no, from behind me! Pyotr, have that man's name taken down!"

A Sphinx walks in to a bar and the Bartender says, "Why the short face?"

All Hail King PUT!!

The Inventor Of Viagara just bought the Sphinx and Brooklyn Bridge , too !

The Inventor of Viagara just bought the Sphinx and Brooklyn Bridge , too !

The Inventor Of Viagara just bought the Sphinx and Brooklyn Bridge , too !

"I broke it off, but the owner lied when he said this was a rock climbing treadwall. It didn't move one iota."

Got a CONDO,

made of STONE Ahhh ...

King PUTT.

And it's a long fly batted deep into . . . oh, NO!!!

And in about 5 years when the syphillis kicks in........

If you know it stinks --- tell it to the sphinx.

Hello, I'm Vladimir Putin. Welcome to Las Vegas!! Uh, BTW, where are all the other casinos. Hello? Where did everybody go?

"I broke it off, but ... as you can see I have raised my right hand and I will give the Scout's Honor or recite the Pledge of Allegiance (sans the 'under God' part) or slap myself in the face ... whatever ... just don't make me go back to Crawford, Texas again."

Once again the Chinese Textile Manufacturing sector represented a truly HUGE part of the US-Chinese Trade Deficit.

Thailand attempts to eliminate its status as a sex tourist destination; renames capital Paonkeik.

Xihua Xi is China's most popular opera about the history of the world, drawing sold-out audiences every night. This scene represents the United States becoming a country.

Oh, no... she's gonna SING!!!

After hearing the song, it was determined that the show was over.

If she sings, it's over.

It was the upcoming lap dance segment that terrified Dan.

Ratings for CBS' twelfth annual "A Very Special Bill Clinton Birthday Party" were lower than in previous years.

In an effort to appease China, Taiwan agreed to send its 20 fairest maidens to Hong Kong each year ...

Chinese diplomats are reluctant to make another 'peace offering' after a panda was swallowed whole by the Taiwanese delegation.

See what happens when you start opening McDonald's in Asia?

Members of the Association of Sumo Wrestlers perform their drag number before an appreciative audience of largely Japanese businessmen.

Lucas was a little concerned about the casting call for Jabba the Hut's wife, but all went well and -- with the help of modern digital editing -- viewers will never notice the difference from far, far away.

World famous Sumo wrestler Ozeki Konishiki after an appearence at the Great Japan Beer Festival in 2005.

Apparently, it was the last barrel of beer that did it.... the 12th.

"Theeeeeeere she is, Miiiiiss People'sRepublicof Chiiiiina-a-a-a!"

In an effort to boost flagging morale, Al Qaeda decided to show its troops a preview of the 72 virgins that could be theirs if they just blew themselves up.

Next on Fox: Who Wants to Marry Michael Moore

Due to a bureaucratic foul-up, news about the new USDA food pyramid did not make it to Hawaii.

Hillary Clinton adopts a new style to appeal to Red state voters in advance of her 2008 run for the Presidency.

"SIMON COWELL luv me long time."

Developing ...

Though she smiled bravely for the judges, inside, Gretchen was heartbroken over what she thought of as her "cankle" problem.

"All I'm saying is that suma wrestling for gals is weird. Ok, first, you don't have a fashion show before the guys' matches."

Serverina Vuckovic gets fat and sassy to be crowned the Sumo Wrestler Lady Campeon !

The law of unintended consequences (Exhibit 1): Here is a picture of the 2006 Plaingrass, Texas High School cheerleading squad one year after the state passed a ban on "sexually suggestive cheerleading routines."

She was voted
Suma Cum Laude.

Roseanne, performing on opening night of her controversial Broadway play "Bitches Wit Chins"

Inside the lovely ladies strutted their stuff on the runway, while outside several hundred "footwear rights" activists protested what they considered "unpardonable cruelty to shoes".

Marie at her book signing - "I Married a Sumo Wrestler from Hell"

MOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

"Damn, they found where I put that miserable bitch, Miss Beazley."

J.

"Barney, are you sure this is where you buried Jenna's 'magic bone?'"

J.

"Plant that tree faster, dammit! I don't know how much longer I can hold it!"

J.

"...and thanks to Barney, we have finally found where Saddam hid his WMDs."

J.

"...and here's where Barney buried the shoes he stole from White House correspondents. It's strictly a coincidence that he only took those shoes of those representing the networks who cut away from the President's news converence last week."

J.

"...and here is where we found Helen Thomas after Barney tried to bury her. It's not his fault -- she really does look and smell dead to a dog."

J.

". . . and so we put it here, next to John Kerry's presidential hopes."

"And as a result of the 3-day U.S.-France war of 2006, here lies Chirac. Come 'ere boy, right here on the grave....good boy!"

"And so under the new rules, we put the filibustering senator up to his next in this anthill. In return, we agree to not limit his time."

"I don't care if he sold us a BILLION barrels of oil a day. The man grabbed my hand and kissed me, dammit."

"We're gonna need more pooper scoopers. And Barney, no more eating all of Helen Thomas' bran muffins. Bad dog!"

Gardening has gone upscale. The President now encourages Americans to plant and weed with a few friends properly spiffed up in their Sunday best.

Barney was allowed to roam the grounds as a matter of routine. The Bush's larger dog, Fluffy, on the other hand, was usually put on a secure leash.

(Fluffy reffernce: Harry Potter, "Prisoner")

"I just spend four hours burying the dog."
"Four hours to bury a dog?!"
"Well, he wouldn't keep still. He kept wriggling about, howling."
"He's not dead then."
"Yes, but he's not at all a well dog, and since I'm going to be away for a week I thought I better bury him just to be on the safe side"
"Oh, yes. Don't want to come home from a summit meeting to a dead dog."

So while Miss Beazley causes a gap in the recording, President Bush explains the latest Rove plan on dealing with Senators who obstruct the Republican legislative plans without offering alternatives.

Famed "dog whisperer" Jeff Jones said he translated the woofs as: "It's not like there's a war on, or anything."

The Goldwater Wing of the Republican Party 1964-2000

I'll tell ya he's small, but damn! he craps like a horse!

"Boys, that bitch, Beazley, did her business on the white shovel so why don't we take turns using the brown one?"

"I am a dog of substance! Look who's cleaning pu after me!"

Woof...woof..rrr...woof

Oh , Goody ! They got me muh own Doggie Wading Pool just for Widdle Ole Me !

Take it and drink when you're back home ! The still is outback by the Chief Of Police Garage !

Take it back and it when you're back home ! The still is out back by the Chief Of Police's Garage !

I saw Laura Bush and she is no friend to Hillary ! We'll all drink to that !

I was an Caption Winner to Shabooty ! That's Great , Sonny ! You can drink that Cologne slowly for the sake of your liver !

Not a caption, but I swear to GOD he's looking at that bottle like my dog looks at the steak I'm eating.

"Sure, you can have a drink, but I'M driving!"

Kennedy thought bubble: "Damn. I asked for the BIG bottle."

Here,you can use my hand sanitzer!

Congratulations, your face looks slightly less disfigured than mine does now.

"I can usually stretch this much Clearasil to last two or three weeks."

Teddy - "Nuff niceties already. Gimme that."
Carolyn - "Hush."

uuuummmmm Scotch

During Yuschenko's visit to the U.S. Senate, Yushchenko delivered a bottle of Vodka to Senator Ted Kennedy to bribe the Senator from using the word "quagmire" to discuss the Orange Revolution.

Ted, thinking: "Maybe I should try some of that Dioxin to clear up *my* face."

Never mind the apparatchnik, baby; he's been busy helping out the Russian trade deficit one glass at a time, if you know what I mean. You busy, tonight? Don't worry, I dig jazz.

Congradulations! In addition to your award, you also win this life size replica of a prehistoric Dinosaur!!!!

Ted Kennedy would have been more pleased about being first runner up in the Miss America pageant, but he had his heart set on the bottle of vodka that was awarded to the winner.

The word "torture" crosses Kennedy's mind 38 times while he is forced to look at the bottle without being allowed to hold it.

Ted Kennedy's face conveys his disappontment at placing second in the annual "D.C. Spring Break Chili Cook-off".

Adding insult to injury was the fact that first prize was a bottle of "Head-Be-Small" cranium shrinking formula.

...a strange sensation filled Kennedy, one that he hadn't felt in years. Sobriety. Thank god that dude bought alcohol, he thought...

Ted was not amused when he figured out that he was at the annual Mary-Jo Kopeckne Awards ceremonyy... he thought it another Hollywood bash.

Thought bubble over girl: "Good lord, this is the ugliest blind date I've ever been out with."

Thought bubble over Kennedy: "Damn it man, let go of her hand and gimme the bottle. Hell, you can have her if you give me the bottle!"

Thought bubble over other dude:"I hate these parties. Nothing but drunks and chicks that give gay hand shakes."

Ted - "You go ahead and shake hands, Caroline. I'm not touching him. I've already got big bloated drunk face."

Is this the Toilet Water bottled and distilled , that , Arnie , did by putting an Gal's face , in the John , hah ?!

Is this the Toilet Water being bottled and distilled by Arnie ? Whereby , he put an Woman's face down in the John ?!

Liquified Viagara kicks my crotch inside out and I go sidesaddle in muh car !!

TK: That's enough of nice-nice...where's the frickin' glasses? She's shaking your hand, but I'm just shaking!

As the verile presenter spies for cleavage, the sterile Senator eyes the vintage.

Teddy to Viktor
"Ok, buddy, how'd you end up with my tie that goes with my pocket handkerchief?"

Caroline to Viktor
"Ok, buddy, how'd I end up with your pocket handerchief and how did you get Teddy's booze?"

"The rock, paper, scissors thing was going fine until Viktor proclaimed his victory after smashing Teddy with a bottle."

Teddy says: I'd like to see the cigar that comes with that lighter.

Honey, I shrunk Charles Blondin!

Acupuncturist Dr. Tom Thumb prepares to treat a bad case of lotus elbow.

You know, the Chinese may have a point in complaining about Japanese history books. I mean, did Japan really enter China in 1931 to put on a series of circus shows?

You'd better be real good, little man.

"My stick is bigger than your stick."

Best visual metaphor for relationships ever.

"I can't believe I drew Q-tip duty again."

- or -

"Cootchie cootchie coo!"

- or -

"First we will ram this up the statues nose for the annual spring cleaning..."

- or -

With the era of disco hair gone, the epoch of hot pink warm-up suits seemingly forgotten and with only a largely useless stick left in his name, Raul decided to end it all. But first he knew he must say goodbye to his passionate marble lover.

Peter Jackson has announced that his next project will be both a movie version of the Greek myth "Pygmalion" and a remake of "Attack of the 50-Foot Tall Woman".

"Prayin ta Buddha.. Prayin ta Buddha... Prayin ta Buddha... Hi Buddha... Prayin ta Buddha..."

Lotus Lolita says , Bring On The Roses , it's my Birthday !

Bukake With Magic Wand On Princess XENA !

It is a brilliant fruition of Beloved Leader's rigor of attaching primary importance to military affairs that the revolutionary armed forces of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea could work military miracles which will shine through centuries.

"I don't know how I got talked into pollinating the freaking lotus again!"

Would you believe this lady got lint caught up in her navel ? Ah , so ! Her bellybutton !

What the?!?! According to Mapquest I should be at the giant Buddha now! Man, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuequerque!

On the next Fear Factor:
"Chinese Take-Out" Episode #569.
Contestants must eat xinhua tree grubs using chopsticks and walk a electrical wire over a pool of urine, human feces and steamed rice.

I warned ya, Sarge...the parade ground is wet and slippery!

Sgt. Reed was terrified of going to war. Then he remembered the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Suddenly, he got an idea, and a rush of peace fell over him.

Goose-stepping was out, but the new style of marching was difficult. And slow. Very, very slow.

Wilting under the scornful stares of his subordinates, Maj. John Cleese decided his career could blossom only in the Ministry of Silly Walks.

They haven't yet built the combat robot that can do this.

That's a nice trick seargent Baalzadropov - but what did you do with the pylon?

Soldiers watch a demonstration of the latest Field Medical Directive: How to alleviate "Soldier's Itch."

Kid, nobody here cares that you wanted to be in the Ice Capades. Now get back in line!

What are you doing? This is the drill team practice! Dance team is the next parade ground over....

"Randall, 'Parade Rest' is not a funky dance move."

The Army spent millions on the study that determined marching soldiers coming under fire should duck like this.

"OK, OK, so you can do the splits. Still doesn't mean you can be the Canadian PM."

New shoes.

* He's going to be VERY popular....

* Sgt Stedenko demonstrates the strength and durability of the Ajax Personal Protection Cup Device

*We really LOVE the motherland....

Oh, so that's why you got neutered.

Get your ass up off the ground, soldier...this ain't the French army!

While normally viewed as an asset in arid climates, Pvt. Splitovski a.k.a. “the human divining rod”, embarrassed his fellow troops when they marched on the rain soaked parade grounds.

Get back in line, Ivanovitch; you know damned well that Bolshoi tryouts aren't for another two months!

It's fun to stay at the Y. M. C. A. .... Y. M. C. A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...

Russians prove the viability of gays in the military: In an effort to save his comrades, Ivan drops on a grenade...

If we're attacked by pirates you can use this
awesome ninja move and flip out.

"I'm not peeing!... I'm just stretching my legs!"

I've got happy feet!

That's NOT how you field strip a weapon soldier!

The order to split the squad into two teams and catch the enemy in a crossfire went awry when they realized the squad had an odd number of soldiers. A solution was reached when the remaining soldier was ordered to go with both teams.

Internal monologue: "This is more painful than it looks..."

ONE ENTERPRISING RUSSIAN SOLDIER SHOWS US HOW HE EARNS EXTRA MONEY AS A VEGAS SHOWBOY DURING THE TIME BETWEEN DEPLOYMENTS

I'm going to make like a banana and split

Always the showoff, Pvt Silvers shows of his "special" pushup

Papa's got a brand new bag. Ow! Look out James Brown!

As he sat in agony, Nikolai regretted his decision to bed the daughter of President Putin.

In unison: "This is my rifle, this is my gun..."
SGT: "Get up Private! That's no way to treat your gun!"

No, Comrade, having a split personality does NOT qualify you for a section 8.

Captain Pantzov demonstrates the benefits of spinelessness as more Soviet officers wait their turn.

Russian Soldier Sergei Foofoo demonstrates for other soldiers the Russian Army's newest salute.

Sir... What part of right / left don't you understand?

"No I'm not the only one that can do this. My twin at Wizbang can do this too."

Despite intense mentoring, Private Pushkin continued to demonstrate considerable confusion as to the meaning of the term "balls-to-the-wall".

The kids from Chernobyl strut their stuff.

Anyone forgot to trip me with an Banana ?!

Unable to move for 6 hours, Russian army recruit Oleg Petrovich,was freed by fellow comrades after his repeated attempts to practice the "kick stand." Russian doctors said the only long lasting effects were a high pitched voice and the inability to "perform!"

Cialis...for when the time is right.

Corporal James Brownov wows the troops during a break from drill.

Ok Boys!!!!!
When you see the enemy...do this!!!
it will confuse the hell out of them then we can
hit them when their stunned....ITS THE ONLY WAY!!!

Car bomb? What is this "car bomb" you speak of, Sven?

"With the blowing of the shofar, the graveyard shift at the quarry crawls out of the Matzoh Mines."

It's been 40 years; do you know where the hell you're leading us, or are you just wandering around?

"Dude, I thought you told me there were going to be some shiskas. This is a total sausage fest!"

Ethan and Saul discuss the merits of scheduling "Family Motocross Day" on the Sabbath.

George Romero's latest horror movie: "Dawn of the Mohel"

"Say, Saul, why are we the only ones following this Roadmap to Peace?"

The "Hassidic Minutemen" head off for their morning patrol.

[theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Kosher" plays over opening credits]

Sven said to meet him here; he would be wearing a black coat, hat, and a white shirt. Damn.

"Welcome back, Rabbi Anderson. We've misssed you. So nu?"

New lemming dress code.

Although many volunteered they had to be sent home when it was recalled that at a funeral for somebody like Yasser Arafat only two pallbearers would be necessary......

"Dude, where's my car?"

Do you think I'm overdressed?

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's out of Gaza we go!

Rabbi Moses Cohen shows off his sea splitting ability at the annual celebration of the Exodus...

Of course they are running away, Ariel! What you do is only done on infants! I guess you really did go to a non-accredited Moyel academy.

"Land of Milk and Honey"? ... "We really have to re-think our intelligence gathering system"!!

"Rabbi Anderson, welcome back. We....missed...you."

The first- and second-place finishers of the First Annual Hasidic Backwards Walking Race watch as favorite Herschel Goldberg finishes a distant third.

I told you, Moshe, Moses ain't the only Jew who can part the Red Sea.

The Conclave begins in one hour.

Oi, the newest Health-Fitness program sponsored by the Temple did not get the results desired.

It still only produced walking Jewish Men instead of Fabio-esque, horseriding men for the Jewish Princesses waiting in the wings.

"Hey, Michael - I don't think these disguises are gonna work, and all the staff and I hate what you've done to 'Neverland'".

"Do you think our team will beat Lance Armstrong this year?"
"Yes, but this time I think we will have to try bicycles."

In a preview of Star Wars XII, the planet Tatooine becomes inhabited by mysterious "Meshugana."

"A new Honey Baked Ham franchise ...
have you lost your mind?"

"I see dead people,they're everywhere!"

Which Way To Mecca !!!

"Eathan, do you really think this walking tour of Syria was a good idea?"

"Well, we're all dressed alike, and you've got us all going the same direction. Now all we really need is the custom Harleys."

"Where are all the women you promised us?"

A scene from Sergio Leone's long awaited Matzah Ball Western sequel: "The Good, the Bad and the Hassidics"

"You left me standing here a long, long time ago. Don't leave me waiting here, Lead me to your door."

(The Long & Windy Road, Beatles)

"My wife said that she didn't love him or want to see him again ... that she thought he was me. Do you think that is possible Saul7631?"

o/~ Anatefka, Anatefka, underpaid, overworked Anatefka o/~

George W. Bush is amused that the others invited him to pull their fingers, but later would realize they thought their European dipomatic easnestness would compel him to fall for it.

"Been there"...."Done that."

or

"Le problem est tu!"
"Mais non, c'est tu!"
The President happily awaits translation, glad that finally no one was pointing the finger at him.

or

"But he's been to the ranch."
"Yep, and he's never been to the ranch."
The President thinking "Never will, either."

In Europe, they call it "Push my finger."

"This Intelligence stuff is easy", Bush thought, "just pull Chirac's finger, and I can finally find out what happened to Saddams biological weapons. How could it possibly go wrong?" And yet, it did go wrong.

On the bright side, however, Jacque Chirac won 20 Euros off every other member of the EU.
___________________________

BUSH: "Look, Jacques, you're French. I don't *need* to pull your finger to smell you."

President Bush, witnessed first hand today, when asked by a reporter, "who didn't lift a finger to help us in Iraq?"

"No, he's more of a capitalist."
"No, HE'S more of a capitalist."

"Who da man?"

"You da man!"

"No, YOU da man!"

I'm With Stupid

Bush judges the final round of the first annual European Union's "How I Take Responsibility" contest.

Principals of The New World Order re-enact Michaelangelo's "Creation of Adam."

Chirac and Juncker demonstrate the new-wave minimalist 21st century French way of surrendering to a mightier foe before any acts of violence.

Even when asking a simple question ["who cut the cheese?"] President Bush finds the subtle display of European nuance to be elementally Kerryesque.

Once again Bush was very comfortable with the fact that he didn't have to point fingers at others for his decisions, having been proven correct yet again.

(notice the shit-eating grin on his face).

Both were too modest to take credit for inventing the model upon which the Canadian "Adscam" fraud was based.

It was at that precise moment that the president realised that neither of them had any notion of how a light sabre should be operated.

Old Europe : where proctologists are ambidextrous and latex gloves are in short supply. Be very afraid !

"You called him Hitler? What a coincidence!"
"And you 'ave called 'im 'Itler as well! Tres magnifique!"
"Both o' you yahoos are about to git yer a**es handed to ya, ya know that?"

Which one of you boys wants to commit troops to Iraq?

Monseir Darth Bush. Nous sommes les Jedi, here to vanquish vous avec notre finger sabres.

(And you said the EU military is weak. Pas du tout!)

Over cries of "You take him!" from both teams, George W. Bush decided he would skip next year's UN Kickball Tournament.

"What the Fuck?", thought Bush - as both men asked if he had brought Tweetie!

These French fellas are takin' a while to get the hang of rock-paper-scissors.

Both you guys are idiots, there is no ONE finger in Rock Paper Scissors.

Dangit....No one can top Kaos

"Alright y'all...

first one to touch my right nipple gets foreign aid...

Damn, Jacque, you're right on the money!"

"Geez, neither one of you knows how to play rock, paper, scissors?"

Did you want the Severina Vuckovic Bootleg CD ?! It could of interest , by an Vintage ,of , Bridget Bardot racy postcard ?! How about Star Jones posing in Playboy ?! Do I get my ,Illona Staller Doll , with my Rubber Ducky thrown in ?!

JUNCKER: Sacre bleu! President Chirac, you are overdressed! Also le president Americain!

CHIRAC: Didn't you get the memo? The memo clearly said to wear a necktie! You are le embarrassment!

BUCH (smirkingly thinking): Chirac, you dope, the memo said to wear a blue necktie. Man, you're dumber than a Texas fencepost.

"Tomato!!!"

"Tomate!!!"

"Potato!!!"

"Pomme de terre!!!"

"Look, you two, let's just call the whole thing off, OK?"

"There is a new form of Rock, Paper, Scissors called Point Or Point Pas. A feisty good-natured argument usually settles the matter."

J'ACCUSE!!!!

All along the POTUS knew exactly who had broken wind.

.....then the secret service agent pulls his mountain bike right behind mine and we continue down the hill.

I tell you, Father, it's the same thing every time. I hold my hands slighly apart, somebody snaps a picture, and bloggers use the picture to make dick jokes.

The Religious Right teaches Bush the secret hand sign for Jesus, known only to members of the church, deaf people, and people who learned to sing "Jesus Loves Me" in sign language in Sunday School.

"Then Jeff Gordon comes up right behind him and starts swapping paint..."

So even though you guys wear those little beanies, you aren't Jewish? How's that again?

Don't do what they did in Florida in 2000 with that butterfly ballot staggered list thing. Line up both sides of the ballot evenly and you won't be waiting two months to get the next pope in office.

John Kerry came this close to beating me, but then God prevailed and struck him down.

lemme get this straight, you're tellin me that the Pope is now sittin on the right hand side of God, not the left?

Let me tell you Cardinal, any candidate for Pope needs to move more to the right if it expects the support of the GOP in the upcoming elections.

Okay, so my *left* hand is the altar boy, and my *right* hand is the priest ... now, say again what happens next?

"So, I am trying hard not to appear anxious or interested but I think these qualifications I've set out here leave you no choice but to vote for me in the upcoming conclave."

So your nuns used a foot-long ruler just like public school teachers did.

Just thought of this...

"That's right, Kerry is hung like a horse."

Oh that? It's a wedding ring. You don't have one?

Bush regretted it immediately when it occured.

Not watching his hands when clapping and missing.

(It was just to easy)

So which hand did that Israeli and Mr. Syria shake with? I get confused ... where's Condi?

I'm telling you padre, Rome has got to get some public bathrooms. We drove in and out of traffic for like this for over an hour and never found one. Those dang fountains around every corner didn't help none either, I swear.

Okay from now on I want this much distance between priest and alter boys.

So then the Popemobile tries to cut over to pass on the right, but I had my driver cut him off.

"So then I tried a Thatch weave, but I still couldn't shake the Red Team pilot off my tail..."

The wall of separation of Church and State is this thick.

"About Tinky Winky. Well, he can't be gay. His purse doesn't match his shoes. And, did you ever watch him? He can't dance! Worse yet, no gay man would ever be named Tinky Winky. Big Long Dong, maybe."

"Let's see if I'm getting this straight : it's possible that using his right hand he put the nail through his own left wrist, and that he'd already done nailing his feet or ankles, uhh-uh.... but then with only his right hand free he could never have finished the job.......OK, so he didn't nail HIMSELF to the cross.....got that......OK, now I'm real interested..... so who done it ?"

"So you figure that Michael Schumacher should have taken him on the inside just before the corner......?"

"Did I see 'The Passion of the Christ' ? Two thumbs up your eminence, two thumbs up !"

"Nope, I'm not shittin' you cardinal : I reached out with my left hand to clasp his arm and my right hand to shake his hand - he looks me straight in the eye and smiles, and WHAZZAM - my wristwatch is gone.....at the Holy father's funeral ! ....I tell you, that Jack Chirac feller has a whole lotta pain comin' to him....."

"In this light you won't be able to see the shadows - but I am telling you, in Texas the bull comes up behind the cow just like this......."

"Well, since you're asking, I gather that Clinton used to hold Ms. Lewinski's head just like this....."

"Yup, you can bitch-slap with either hand."

"As you can see your famousnessness, I keep both of my hands cocked and ready to take out terrorists."

I swear to God - that bishop over there deliberately bumped me from behind like this.

Well ! Could Wolfowitz be The Pope with my Armored 7th Cavalry Airborne Division ? Maybe ,make an precisive Pinzer Movement ?! How about an Three Prong Attack on The Vatican ?

If Star Jones gets nude in an Hustler Spread and spreads herself , like so , you know ? Would she be the First Black Female Pope from America , hah ?

If , Star Jones gets nude in an Hustler Spread and spreads herself , like so , you know ? Would she be the First Black Female Pope from America , hah ?!

"Ok, let me see if I've got this down...you put your right hand out, you put your left hand out, that's what you call 'doing the Hoke-y Pope-y'?"

"So the priests come up from behind... like this?"

"Look, I've got two left hands!"

"Uhh, your holiness...?"

"..and then he went like this, so I went like this, and BOOM, I nailed the son-of-a-bitch with a right cross."

CAUTION: CHILD ABDUCTION ZONE

CAUTION: FAMILIES ESCAPING TO MEXICO.

The newest solution coming from the Minuteman project reminds drivers to use caution when aiming for families of illegals, because they can sometimes run really fast.

The Mexican government is now posting cartoon signs along our borders.

"Reinforce Your Front Bumper And Floor It"

The INS unveils a new sign developed by Presidents G Bush and V. Fox designed to help "undocumented" workers cross streets in Texas.

OK, kids, now let's play "count the illegals".

"CAUTION: OLD-SCHOOL ZONE"

The Arizona Border Patrol officers had to quickly replace the new sign after someone had graffitied red crosshairs on the previous one.

Liberals attributed the graffiti to the newly formed "Minutemen."

It's an old sign : CAUTION - try not to run over the Alec Baldwins as they leave the country.

Actually it's an even older sign : CAUTION - Clinton Family running for office.

Nope - it's older still, from the sixties : CAUTION - you and your family are invited to a Kennedy Family midnight swim party.

CAUTION: RECKLESS FAMILIES CROSS ROAD HERE.
----
"Mommy? Daddy? Shouldn't we look both ways before we cross this busy highway?"

Caution...Friggin Hippies

The new signs were installed immediately after "The Day After Tomorrow" was released--Mexico was concerned that they could not "seal the border" as quickly as portrayed in the movie.

The ACLU threated to sue the Fox government for not providing the equal access required under the Mexicans with Disabilities Act.

"All the really choice vegetable-picking jobs are going fast, so don't walk, RUN!! (And bring the kids -- they're closer to the ground!!)

BEWARE ! THIS IS AN NUDIST SKYCLAD ZONE ! Dr. Laura and Star Jones are sunbathing nude ! RUN FOR IT ! LEST,YE GO BLIND, 2 ! YOU'RE WARNED IN SMALL PRINT ! THAT IS , YOU'VE PASSED BEYOND THE SAFETY POINT ! RUN , RUN , ran !

Just a reminder, folks.
It's every man for himself.
Women and children must watch out for each other.

Severina Vuckovic is naked again , folks ! Why do you think they call this Split , Croatia ?! Everyone does Splitsville ! Moral : Dat's when she's Bare Bare !

When corporate America needed a source of cheap, outsourced labor they knew right where to look -- under Laurence Simon's front bumper.

After Bush's second inagural, thousands of families fled to Canada.

CAUTION: Silhouette Crossing

This sign warns motorists that monochrome two-dimensional beings often cross this section of highway.

What'd happened ? Pay Toileteries On Strike ?! Well, it looks like , We's , too, Wiz Outdoors now ?!

Prosecuters are considering posting a sign like this one outside Neverland.

Everyone scatter! Here comes Rather. And he's got documents!

Cleopatra: Now here's something more your speed.
Nero the Hero: That'll be at least 200 points!
Cleopatra: If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother.

blatantly stolen: Death Race 2000.

Mr. Spielberg, I believe we have located an ideal location for the "War of the Worlds" billboard placement.

Dad looks back and laughs, "I don't have to outrun the INS, I only have to outrun you."

Cropped portion of the sign: "Uninsured Jaywalkers."

The Running Man and his family say, "We'll be back."

The family that sprints together stays together.

Help us Mr. Liberal!

"Yeah, it's wierd, these signs have been popping up everywhere all of a sudden. They are along I5 in California, in the Sudan, in Zimbabwe, in Venezuela, in North Korea, and after the last election even in Hollywood -- though the ones in Holywood feature stretch limos and porters."

"¡CUIDADO! Silhouetas corrientes muy rapido!"

Next, on Family Fear Factor: The highway-crossing competition!

A southwestern custom is to time the runners on radar.

CAUTION: Three legged Siamese Twin child abductor crossing

Ted saw the sign and quickly wondered what the reward was for running the people over.

CAUTION! Please look both ways before illegally crossing the border!

Sung to the song "George of the Jungle" with Jorge pronounced "Hor-hey"

Jorge, Jorge on the freeway fat as he can be, watch out for that Z!

"But where are the clowns, Quick, send in the clowns, Don't bother, they're here".....Now line them up against the wall!

Liberals continue to portray NRA members as Barnum & Bailey rejects.

The new NRA marketing plan, targeting the 3-8 age group, has been a huge success.

Hey, let's see if we can scare the French into surrendering!

There's a reason kids are scared of clowns.

* 'Go clowns, go clowns! Go clowns! I don't see anything happening. Go clowns! Go clowns! Go clowns! Standby confetti. Keep coming, clowns. More clowns. Bring it- clowns, clowns, clowns! We want clowns, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet.
'No confetti. All right, go clowns, go clowns. We need more clowns. All clowns! All clowns! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more clowns. I want all clowns to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more clowns. What's happening to the clowns? We need more clowns.
'We need all of them coming down. Go clowns- clowns? What's happening clowns? There's not enough coming down! All clowns, what the hell! There's nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want more clowns coming down, more clowns. More clowns. More clowns'...

* My, the Democrats are early in Iowa, aren't they?

Filming begins on the latest cult classic remake: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

"No Syrian Intelligence Agents here, little Lebanese boy. Just clowns. Happy, heavily-armed clowns ready to martyr themselves for Allah."

"The whole thing had turned into a circus for them so Charles and Camilla went with a circus motif for their wedding."

In a single moment, Sally determined to run for Congress.

Working the undercover gig in the security detail at 'Neverland' was Wacko Jacko's biggest thrill.

Homey the Clown breaks his promise not to go near children again.

The Pentagon introduces the more kindler more gentler Army

Young Jessica throws her flag to cover her M16A2, scope enhanced, hallow point loaded rifle to conceal it from casual view, before heading back to her home (settlement) in the West Bank.

No one wants to see the tears of a clown, especially a 15-yr old newly-PMS Jewish Settler clown

"Oh, don't worry little girl, it's just a squirt gun!"

Although Bozo had thirty-two confirmed kills, he never suspected the girl with the gunpowder on her mouth was a threat....

After his settlement with the University of Colorado went into effect, Ward the Clown started his new career. This one he was fully qualified for, however.

Bozo wanted to bring new meaning to clowning around.

Inspired by the Orange and Cedar Revolutions, a new group of French Dissidents rally for elections to oust a corrupt regime. Viva la bouffon!! Viva la Homey!!

It's sad how Charleton Heston doesn't remember to get dressed anymore when he goes out to say hello to the neighborhood kids, isn't it?

A young person prepares for the Derry [Maine] Canal Days Festival 2005, ready for whatever It wil bring.

Mahmoud Abbas announced today that Hamas and the Al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigades have accepted the conditions laid down by the Palestinian Authority for a "kinder, gentler Intifada...with clowns!" Details on the planned Palestinian Petting Zoo are also expected to be released shortly.

Ahmed came to regret telling Mahmoud that he would "do anything Allah wills" to help finance the Jihad.

Proof the clownface trait breeds true.

"Hello Mr. Clown, so where are the f--k'n balloons?"
(Its a tough world)

Sad Sack Cindy's fortunes changed when she started doing "Hamas"-themed birthday parties.

The annual US Postal Worker family cook-out had been a huge success... but recently laid off, Billy-Bob hadn't been invited!

Relax, kids. I've only got animal porn on my computer.

Redhead: "Mr. Rumsfeld, sir, if you try to send us to North Korea without body armor, we'll give you a wedgie."

(Blonde in front thinking..."wedgie nuthin, I'll break his glasses!")

(Boy in hat thinking..."respect your elders...respect your elders...")

This Michael Jackson case has gotten a little out of hand.

Rumsfeld issues biological weapons alert after cub scout farts at press conference.

OK, troops, you WILL ALL ENLIST upon turning 18. Uncle Sam wants YOU!

Nothing makes my day more than seeing MEN IN UNIFORM!

Rumsfeld has finally decided on a new Secretary of the Air Force.

What's the difference between Congress and the Cub Scouts? The Scouts have adult leadership.

As part of his transformation of the military, Rumsfeld introduces his new reconnaisannce teams.

So, little Billy, are you glad you joined the VRWC Junior Minions? I see you have your "carried out evil bidding" merit badge already.

Where are the hookers you promised?

I see our minion traning program is working out nicely, Wolfy.

Scout: "What are you doing after this, Secretary Rumsfeld?"
Rumsfeld: "I'm gonna bust the Tech. Sgt. that snapped this pic back down to Webelos."

"You go to war with the scouts you have ... say ... some journalist didn't put you up to asking that question did they young feller?"

Rummy: So why are you the only one not in a cubscout uniform?

Boy Scout: Because I've already Eaten my first Brownie....

Blonde boy in front: (sniff) (sniff), Dang, who cut the cheese?"

"...and then the Scoutmaster said, 'A Rumsfeld without rum is like a fish without a bicycle.'

- No, I didn't think it was funny, either."

So...have you ever seen a grown man naked?

"I'm all for diversity, but who let the Irish in the Boy Scouts?"

"Great. The ACLU is going to be all over me now because of this kid's God and Country badge."

Mr. Rumsfield, that reporter over there asked me to pose a question about our uparmored pinewood derby cars that you promised.

"So, Timmy, how would you and your troop like to camp out at my cool base in Guantanamo Bay, where the Mann Act has no application whatsoever?"

Our way around the draft!

Eewwww! Old person smell!

Boy Scouts. It's what's for dinner.

Rummy suddenly realized the jokes about his Secret Service detail being a bunch of Cub Scouts weren't jokes.

"Yes sir, and in 3 years, perhaps sooner, you will finally be retired and one of us will emerge to replace you circa 2025."

Wipe that smirk off your face Red - a Brown Shirt bares his teeth like this.

Hey Mr. Rumsfeld, you still recruiting for Abu Ghraib ?

"Hey, old man, just so you know - you put your hand anywhere near Diego's butt and Stinker here in front of me will lock your vapours with one of his toxic shock specials......you got that ?"

"Hey Ma, how ya doin'? Just wanted to call and tell you that I have finally found the perfect woman for me. And whoa, can she ever hug good."

Oh we'll worship mighty Kali
Though embracing her is folly
She's quite an armful, golly!
And that's good enough for me.

Give me that old time religion...

What is the sound of 40 hands clapping?

Asian scientists demonstrate a fundamental misunderstanding of the right to bear arms.

I wanna hold your haaaands, I wanna hold your hands!

Sweet Caroline once again demonstrated the important of having "hands reaching out, touching hands, touching you, touching me."

"Where are all men, where are all men.

Here we are, here we are.

How are you this morning, very well we thank

you.........."

Discussion was fast and furious at the ASL convention held in Atlantic City earlier this week.

Desperate Democrats have come up with a new solution to "show of hands" votes in the Congress.

Suicide Bomber standing at the Gates of Hell: "No, no, no. Nobody said anything about 72 hands!!!!!"

Chinese scientists report the first successful human cloning. There appear to be slight superficial differences with the original, but what he heck!

Yup, Rosie O'Donnel's new massuese from Bangkok knew she'd have her hands full....

Say what you like about the expansiveness of the Mexican Wave, but wait until you see the compact precision of the Thai Wave.

The further up the Irrawaddy River that the travelling production of "The Vagina Monologues" ventured, the more seemed to be just lost in translation........

"The King And All Twenty Of Us"

...."Twenty Brides For Twenty Brothers" ?

The New York Yankees have announced their starting pitcher for the opening game of the season. In a surprise move, they're going with the 28 year old 40-hander...

The photographer's cover picture for the classic book "A Farewell to Arms" didn't quite meet the publisher's expectations.

The study of the common centipede has rocked evolution to the core, showing that while most humans may have evolved from primates, the Chinese have evolved from the centipede.

If you're happy and you know it, please let me know so I can put some earplugs in first, okay?

"And this is Agent Kanya, 007. As you might have guessed, hand-to-hand combat is one of her specialities..."

(I would additionally like to note, just for the record, that the lameness of the pun is - for once - fully intended. It is a James Bond reference, after all.)

Quan, at "U-Pick-Colour" (must be said w/ Chinese accent) fainted when she saw her new customer walk in the door.

If I hear one more "can I give you a hand" joke"....

"oooh! oooh! Pick me! Teacher, Pick me!

We are still researching why shares of Lee Press On Nails surged in anticipation of their earnings release this week.

Myopist,

Agent Kanya

Obviously her full name is Kanya Linda Hahn.

nyuck nyuck nyuck

Meet Lady Speed Stick's number one customer...

May I have a show of hands please? Do we or don't we have nuclear arms?

A case against government hand-outs...

On sale at K-Mart, the improved version of the Goddess Shiva was introduced today by Donald Trump and Martha Stewart.

U Bin Tak-Kin was disappointed in his Parent's Arranged Wedding to future fiance Shia Bee Reel Handdee (pictured)!U Bin's is an avid Multiple Foot Worshiper !

Hey , Bunny ! I am not into being an Arms , man !I'm into being an Gams , man ! Kindly kick off those heels and dance barefoot for me, honey !!

Behold! the goddes of bitch slappin'

NFL DRAFT:

Wide Receiver first picked.

Presenting the Working Mom of the Year!!!

News of the Bolton and Wolfowitz nominations finally reaches Madagascar.

If I have to watch Jon Stewart any more, I'm going to evolve."

Michael Jackson receieves the verdict in his trial (he has been ill, you know).

When twenty years old you reach, look this smoking hot you will not.

A new species is discovered in Asia: Martis Feldmanus.

"Oh yeah. Well, your mom looks like John Kerry!"

After several years out of the limelight, Ross Perot returns to the public stage.

You could warm up the probe.

An unnamed correspondent for the Star Tribune of Minnesota is shown here, exhibiting signs of the previously unknown final stage of Rowfing Lunavelociraptoris, otherwise known as "Barking Moonbat Syndrome".

Scientists have no knowledge of other US cases progressing to this extent, beliving that most sufferers move to Canada well beforehand in an attempt to alleviate the symptoms.

Coworkers note that the corresondent was reading the archives of the well-known blog Powerline when the final metamorphosis began. "The only way we still knew it was him was the eyes--they've been like that ever since the election," said one anonymous source, a highly ranked blogger. (AP photo)

"The Chili Cook-Off Judge"

PLEASE. QUIT. SQUEEZING. SO. TIGHT.

Richard Gere's nightmare : running out of clingfilm.

Nancy Pelosi's speech coach revealed at last.

Yes it tasted nice , but where do I spit the pips ?

Harvard faculty reacts to Larry Summers' latest speech.

Today Iraq,,,,,TOMORROW THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dennis Kucinich announced today that he is still campaigning hard and looking forward to the next debate.

When will the Schiavo news stop blocking out really important stuff, like the Michael Jackson trial?

Reveal Your Inner Oliver Willis

1) Only YOU can help deforestation of the Amazon.

So act now and send your donation to http://www.georgesoros.com

(Gee, I hope someone remains that can remember Smokey the Bear)

2) Examples of American life:
What happens to red-blooded (that's from the Red States...) American men when they see Pamela Anderson topless.

What happens to red-blooded (that's from the Red States...) American women when they see a Sandrail sale in Arizona.

You've got your Easter Bunny, we've got our Purim Tarsier. Now shut up and go have fun painting Matzoh balls.

Hold on, I think I've got the heat vision thing worked out now.

LOOK into my eyes--you will vote Democrat; you will vote Democrat; you will...vote... ..Democrat..

I did NOT inhale.

"I am Ross Perot's crazy aunt. And golly folks, this morning I got out of the basement."

Sorry - posted my captions under the wrong thread. Repeated:

Lemur - the other white meat!

Lemur - it's what's for dinner!

Okay , Judge ! I , too , WUZ seen naked by Michael Jackson !

Just saw Jacqueline's new photos.

Rodhamjuice
Rodhamjuice
Rodhamjuice ...

The local chapter of PETA is demanding Lasix eye surgery for all the 'residents' of the San Diego Zoo.

In an effort to convince the American people that they are the more compassionate political party, Democrats are replacing their ass with a creature "who can SEE OUR PAIN."

The Brown Tacos are bad.
Do not eat the Brown Tacos.

Senetor Pelosi, what's your reaction to Bush's nomination of Robert Bork to replace Chief Justice Reinquist?