Thank you Muhammad for agreeing to change my diaper. I am a happy, happy man.

When Arafat asked them to do the Hora, his advisers began to suspect the end was near.

Thank Allah they did not make me wear one of the American ORANGE JUMPSUITS.

Yasser Arafat came out today and announced that he has entered into a polygamous gay civil marriage with the Hasan brothers of Gaza. Yazz, as his spouses refer to him, said "We're going to sue to get our love legimized by the state. If Mohammad had at least 11 wives, why can't I have a harem, too?"

To the delight of everyone in attendance, Arafat delivers his yard gnome impression.

"Here Yasser, Here is your nice new 3 piece suit for your trip to Paris. The most important part is the fitting of the vest of course, heh, heh!"

Yassir..Yassir...Robert Fisk from the Independent...Sir, could you please put your hands on top of your head again like you did before and pretend you're a "dick"...My camerman missed it the first time.

Look John Kerry! Like my "bunny suit"? Only that it comes without a hood. Maybe I'll borrow yours when I come visit you in the White House.

Santa Arafat and his bomb making elves.

And when Yasser-Lou Who went to bed with his cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Palestinians celebrate the arrival of the new PLO leader following the sudden death of Yasser Arafat. In a sign of good will, biochemist brothers Abdul and Mohammad unveil the "mini-me" clone during Hanukkah.

Dear Bill,

Having an excellent time here in Palestine. Almost got killed by an Isreali missle, oopsie! See you soon.

Your truly,
The Roaming Gnome

Palestinian leaders show off the latest addition to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

Timmy. Tim-may. Ti-mmy. Timmmmmy. Timmy.

Woo Hoo! We fooled the Israelies. Paris, here we come.

when he dies. what?

It's Palestine's #1 comedy, "Weekend at Yasser's!" The Ramallah Star says, "It's an Intifada of laughter!" The West Bank Advertiser gives it "5 Jihads!" and raves, "If there's one movie you're going to see before you sacrifice yourself in a martyrdom operation against the Zionists, this is it!" Ariel Sharon says, "I hated it! And I eat puppies!" "Weekend at Yasser's" -- in theaters now!

Arafat greets a coalition of Eminems posse, who bestow him with the gift of a "Homey Hat". Sir Fat, as he is now known, has accepted an invitation to join the rapper on his next tour.

Who knew the president of the Palestinian Authority was really Fred Sanford? "I'm coming, Elizabeth! It's the big one!"

when he dies. what?

One less...
Terrorist to appease
One less...
Gnome to fry
One less explode-a-dope
To pick up after
You should be happy
But all you'll do
Is cry

Meanwhile the civilized world will dance and pass out candy.

"You know if the Israeli's bombed us right now (nervous laughter) we'd all be wiped out (nervous laughter) someone thought of that, right? ...... What's that descending whistling sound?"

Yasser Arafat never grew tired of the jokes his staff played on him with the Joy Buzzer.

DRUDGE BREAKING: Photographic evidence of Arafat wearing John Kerry's NASA clean suit conclusively proves the Senators collusion with the Palestinians.

YA: "I'm getting better!"

OG: "No you aren't. You'll be stone dead in a moment."

YA: "I feel happpyyy! I feel ... --oooof--"

OG: "Right. Here's your ninepence."

At a mall in the West Bank, Satan's Little Helper takes early Christmas wish lists from Palestinians before his trip to France.

At a mall in the West Bank, Mr. Abu Rudeineh (left) tells Satan's Little Helper that he'd like a healthy new son to replace the one he sent to explode in a Haifa restaurant last month.

An ailing but game Ringo Starr greets members of the Palestine chapter of the Beatles Fan Club.

I've got my pajamas, now where's my blog?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

"Tag, you're it, Yasser."

Dear Mom. While in Paris I went with the boys to a sleep over and guess who ate the first turd...

not my caption, shamelessly ripped off from a email I received

"Weekend at Bernie's"

Mush Mush the elder is congratulated by friends and family after succesfully passing gas....

This isn't a caption entry...I'm just glad to see I'm not the only one who thought he looked like a garden gnome.

Hey Laura, tell your husband I could use some "wood".

Terresa: "Laura, can't we all just get along?"

"Hello Jerry"
"Hello Newman"

(In Unison)
"Did you get that outfit at K-Mart?"

Teresa: "Now that our husbands have gotten this far, don't you wish we'd been separated at birth???"

Laura Bush: "Wearing the same suit as the first lady is a federal crime Teresa..."

[TERESA] Helloooo, Clarissssse...

Laura: "Did you shave this morning?"

Laura: "Watch the hand, fatso!"

No, MINE is eggshell and YOURS is almond!

"I'm not really a wicked fairy. I'm just wicked." (Bonus points for spotting the pop culture reference.)

Rocky and Bullwinkle! Fractured Fairy Tales!
(oh, was I supposed to have a caption?)

Oh, you might be cheeky and sexy and all that, but you don't really think I am going to let you kiss me do you?

Tuh-RAY-suh: "How about you come back to my place and we can discuss some scumbags?

"No, Teresa, you can only wear the First Lady's clothes AFTER the inauguration. Give them back!"

"We got that endorsement for Doublemint that the Olsen twins passed up."

Laura Bush and Tuhrayza plan on how to kill their
dressers.

Both suits are nuanced and reflect each candidates's stand on the issues: Tuhrayza's placket covers her buttons, while Laura has nothing to hide with hers out. Tuhrayza's lapels are up, to show there is something to hide, Laura's are flat, down, and
show a pretty neckline.

THK: "Isn't it great we're showing unity by wearing matching $300 Dior suits?"

LB: "$300? I got this at Ross for $39.99!"

THK: "Bitch."

LB: "Guards! Seize the enemy combatant!"

Trust me... John loves to watch while I 'Shove It'... we call it the 'war for oil'...

"Isn't it amazing what a little oil and ketchup can help you buy?"

"I thought you said we'd 'latin dance' ... not 'lap dance' for goodness sake."

"Well, Teresa, amazingly one of the more pleasurable times was the evening the President and I had dinner with General Tommy Franks and the Joint Chiefs of Staff."
"Honey, the Senator introduced me to Colonel Angus, let me tell you about a pleasurable evening."

(/blatant SNL ripoff)

Teresa " I'm gonna bitch slap you right out of the white house "

Have you... umm, ever heard of Certs, Teresa.

Laura "I don't care what John told you, it does make your butt look fat"

Did I hear someone say "single white female"??

"Why, NO Theresa, I don't swing that way. I'm a conservative, remember?"

Laura: It's my daughters that are supposed to be twins.

Are you serious girlfriend? John can only get it up when you play tapes of Chirac speeches?

First Lady Laura Bush, startled by Teresa Heinz's enormous head, recoils as it continues to balloon right before her eyes.

Oh I know, ring around the collar can be such a "nuisance".

The winners of CMA's Best Hip-Hop Video award ham it up for the cameras.

Jack H should win. I also get the distinct feeling that Teresa does not shave. A very very hairy woman ...her husband may be Lerch, but this is Cousin IT !!

Teresa - "Who do you like in the Yankee/Red Sox AL Championship?

Laura - "Who's your daddy?"

"little girl, you will not get that pony."

Ooooo Teresa that feels nice....a little lower and to the left.

TK - "I'm not sure how to say this but suddenly Cheney's daughter seems to have the right idea."
LB - "I know. Dancing really turns me on. Can you lead?"

Laura : "My outfit on a moose. Amazing."

TK to LB -

"To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John Kerry, please drive with your headlights 'ON' during the day.

If you support George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights 'OFF' at night."

I. Did not. Eat. Cheeseburgers. At that. Restaurant. McDonalds.

Nobody told me Kool-Aid is mostly sugar!!!!!!

Mr Gore, who failed as a politician, is attempting a second carreer... He's trying to make in in the field of acting. Here, Mr. Gore is trying out for the part of Atticus Finch, from "To Kill a Mockingbird".

Mr Gore has put on 40 lbs to play the role, but has somehow neglected that Atticus Finch wore glasses.

I BETRAYED THIS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!

"You know, I invented McDonald's Cheeseburgers."

1. "Hey you! Waiter! Get that platter of donuts over here pronto!"

2. "I've put my credibility in a lockbox."

3. An exclusive still from the still-in-production movie "Moonbat", with Stephen Root in the role of Al Gore.

"Go ahead. Pull my finger."

"I'm not going to pay a lot for that muffler!"

Hey, where are you guys going with your television cameras I'm not done yet!

In the end Kirstie Alley gave up on the weight problem, became a man, and had a fairly successful career on the comedy circuit as an Al Gore impersonator.

It's the donuts, stupid.

I'm drunk, pissed off, and I have a gun!

Forget "Earth in the balance", I'm having trouble balancing myself.

Al Gore's demon possession has not worked out as well as he had hoped . . .

Political Outkast 2004
I know you'd like to think your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer, see
Roses really smell like POO-POO-OO
Yeah, roses really smell like POO-POO-OO

With his last ounce of integrity balanced precipitously on the tip of his finger, Al Gore launches a hefty attack on President Bush and his bald faced lies.

Eric Akawie:

Funnier if you'd said:

"I'm not gonna pay a lot for that MUFFIN"

:-)

Beuller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Gore: Therefore, if a Republican weighs more that a duck, he must be .... ?

Crowd: (hesitation) A witch!! Burn him!!

"And if I live long enough to claim it, I will NOT let evil Republicans steal my Social Security check!"

(Lame caption, but, yikes, doesn't Gore look old in this picture? Looks like a three-way "composite morph" of Al Gore, Ted Kennedy, and Robert Byrd or something.

If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire, now that don't necessarily make it fucking so!

(http://espn.go.com/i/media/pg2/2003/1016/photo/chrispenn_m.jpg)

"I invented nervous breakdowns"!!!

"Harvey Fierstein, Disgusted with Bush, Threatens to Get Medieval on All Our Asses."

Al Gore delivers another vicious diatribe against George Bush, fulfilling his role as elder hatesman of the Democrat party.

Al Gore was declared a Category Five Blowhard this morning...

Question: If a washed-up political has-been screams incoherently at a fund-raiser, does anyone else hear him?

Quote: "BEEFCAKE! BEEEEEFFCAAAAAAAKE!"

SLOTH LUV CHUNK!

"George Bush stole my donuts! And I am very angry!"

Al Gore takes the role of Dr. Emiliano Lizardo in the new tony award winning 'BUCKAROO BANZAI- THE MUSICAL !" to a whole new level.

AL: "Character is-a what-a you are inna da dark, cursed is your soul and-a damned is-a your life..."

AL: "Where are we going"

Lectroid chorus: "PLANET 10!!"

AL: "When are we going?"

Lectroid chorus:"REAL SOON!"

Barkeep! Another round! An' keep 'em comin', we're jush gettin' shtarted!

I'm gonna open up a 55-gallon drum of whoop-ass and pour it on your head!

If only I got 800 more votes in Florida I would not be this over weight, jobless, washed-up bore that you see before you today. Better yet, you wouldn't even know John Kerry exists. The way it is...I suffer...you suffer. Let's have a recount.

VICTIM OF A FAILED ABORTION.

"Remember the wisdom of Solomon in the book of Proverbs. 'He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind!'" --Matthew Harrison Brady

After four years without proper supervision and medication the Naomi Wolfe alpha-male reprogramming hits critical mass.

Seig Heil!

Seig Heil!

Who stole the strawberries?

I demand a recount of Bill Clinton's bypasses. Let no bypass be left uncounted.

Tipper! TIPPER!!

Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you!

Now there's no need for that I know exactly what hell tell you. Lies! He was no different than any officer in the wardroom -- they were all disloyal, I tried to run the ship properly by the book but they fought me at every turn. If the crew wanted to walk around with their shirttails hanging out that's all right let them take the tow line. Defective equipment no more no less, but they encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming and circles. And then old yellow stain. I was to blame for Lt. Merrick's incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Merrick was the perfect officer but not Captain Queeg.
Ah, but the strawberries! That's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!

The Madness of Captain Queeg

"Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! The sea and all its spoils bow to my power!" -Ursula Gore, the Sea Witch

"(the screeching sound from Invasion of the body Snatchers)"

Oh. My. God. Is that really Al Gore???

I'm a stuffed pig.

Professor Irwin Corey on steroids

Who are you, and what have you done with Al Gore?

(Seriously - I can't get over how much worse Gore looks now.)

KHAAAN!

"TO THE MOON, TIPPER!!!!!"

http://www.basictrainingblog.com/weblog.html

"He misled us into Iraq. He misled us into a lousy economy. He misled us into this damned low-carb craze that doesn't work for shit."

In an apparent alteration in campaign tactics, the DNC brought in the notorious toothless man from 'Deliverance' to launch the latest series of canine attacks on President Bush: "He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he?"

"Does my face look fat in this?"

I don't want to hear about Bill Clinton's bypass surgery! I said a Double Whopper with Cheese, and I meant a Double Whopper with Cheese!

Having behind us the producing masses of this nation and the world, supported by the commercial interests, the laboring interests, and the toilers everywhere, we will answer their demand for a gold standard by saying to them: You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns, you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.

"You can make fun of me all you want, I invented the OTB Caption Contest."

Good Gawd! What HAS he been eating?

Oh, yeah. Caption contest. How about...

BRAAAAAIIIINNNSS!!!!

I always think 'zombie' whenever I see Big Al.

Which one of you threw that ugly stick at me????

"This town needs an enema!"

- The Joker

"Ask not what your country can do for you,
Ask where I can get a doughnut."

I invented the typwriter and I can tell you for a fact... those memos were not forged.

Al Gore bidding on one of Rush Limbaugh's old
suits.

Al Gore auditioning for "Phantom of the Opera"

Al Gore singing "Impossible Dream" to a bunch of
Kerry supporters.

It was ME! I gave those memos to Dan Rather
and HE WANTS the glory! Well, I invented forged documents to give to news anchors.

Now look at them yo-yo’s that’s the way you do it
You play Politician on MS-N-B-C
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and Chad's for free
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
Not such dire straits for Al Gore.

"You're not just lookin' at some drunk, washed up, low life. You're lookin' at the next Ted Kennedy."

"I'm Damn tired of all the lie slingin' goin' on, but I'll tell you one thing, when it comes to lies, it ain't over 'til the Fat man slings."

"There is no controlling eating authority."

Al Gorged

I did NOT gain 50 pounds. It's only 48.5!!!!!!

"I am so fat that NASA orbits satellites around me monitored on the Internet I invented."

Rodney Dangerfield look alike. No respect either.

"I will have George Bush frozen in carbonite, just like Han Solo over there!"

"Yes, Dammit, I invented the Times New Roman font."

"For better or worse, I say to you, I invented Rodney Dill!"

"dubya...dubya...dubya...that's all Folks."

(Thanks for the laugh Rachel Edith)

It's ours, it is, precious, and we wants it!!

"Yes, there were times.
I'm sure you knew.
When I bit off.
More than I could chew.
And I did it myyyyyyyy way."

"Today I'm only giving out Chocolates and Ass-kickings, and I already ate all the Chocolates, so ..."

"Y'know, Arnold, yer right. From this angle she does kinda look like Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies."

(George) "maybe if she worked out a bit more, her cheeks would be more prominent - kinda like Maria's.

(Arnold) "Why can't Maria have just the smallest of Teddy's genes to soften her face - like Mrs. Bush.

A gracious woman is an honor to behold.

"I can tell you that these two are no girlie men, in fact, I can confirm that these two are definitely bush men."

Arnold's Response to last (Rodney Dill) Caption:
"Actually Laura, I'm more of an assm...(whack), Oh sorry, I thought you meant..."

Bush to Arnold: "See why I don't really need you to (clap) pump me up?"

W to Arnold:

"Um, Schwartz? That's ME you're groping."

"Live from Stepford!"

Laura Bush: "Ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

Groping allegations resurface: Schwartzenegger calls charges "Bush league".

"Well Teresa, My husband's Governor of California can take your husband's pushy secret service agent any day of the week."

"...and another thing Teresa, about that 'shove it' moment. For God's sake you're a grown woman and children all across this nation are following this election. You better clean up your mouth or I'm gonna get TROGDOR on your ass. Burnination woman."

Arnold - "I've had almost everybody. How did I miss spending quality groping time with Laura?"

The Governator - "Now, could she be a girly man?"

You know, Teresa, this is what real men look like
You still with that flip flop gigolo, whatshisname?
The one who never votes?

Laura said nice things about the Prez and Gov while thinking, "These two bozos were clowns without Maria and me."

"As for myself, I only wish JFK or Clinton had looked my way. I like a man with a little spunk."

Laura says, "Personally, I'd like to see the Angels win their division and go on to take the Series again. In seven. Same excitement as in 2002."