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Frank Advice

James Joyner | Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Frank J has some excellent suggestions for John Kerry.

* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don’t talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a “whatever”. This moves you from aloof – which people hate – to apathetic – which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:

REPORTER: “Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?”

MO’FO’ KERRY: “Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I’m going to throw my fist in your face.”

The average Joe – or even the average Steve – would really respond to that.

No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there’s a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, “By the way, I served in Vietnam”, phrase instead as “I’ve killed people before.” Said in a low, menacing voice, it’s also a good dodge to questions.
***

Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, “Keep your damn hands away from me!” and “Get that ugly baby out of my face!” People will be like, “Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof.”

Couldn’t hurt.

About the Author: James Joyner is the publisher of Outside the Beltway and the managing editor of the Atlantic Council. He's a former Army officer, Desert Storm vet, and college professor with a PhD in political science from The University of Alabama. He lives just outside the Beltway in Alexandria, Virginia with his wife and infant daughter.

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FRANK ADVICE

James Joyner | Friday, July 11, 2003

IMAO offers Frank Advice for Democrats to Win the Presidency. A couple of examples:

* Murder the Clintons: The Clintons are going to try and suck all the oxygen out of the room so that no other Democrats can be popular. They want you to lose in 2004 so Hillary can run in 2008. Kill them both… and Terry McAuliffe as well. Do it secretly so as not to anger your base, or do it publicly to win some independents and Republicans (”Hey, them Democrats ain’t so bad; they murdered those Clintons good!”).

* Taint to water supply with LSD: LSD will make people paranoid and irrational, and thus more likely to vote for a Democrat… or a Libertarian.

* Make it so that convicts can vote: Thieves and murderers tend to lean towards the Democrats, plus they’ll be sure to vote for you if you promise pardons. I might even like the idea to suddenly saturate America with criminals; that will make more support for my posse initiative.

* Defeat all terrorism: Get some guns and some mercenaries and quickly go out and defeat all terrorism. With national security no longer an issue, people will begin to worry about piddling crap again that are the Democrats’ main issues.

Go read, um, the rest.

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