OK, so we just SIT here doing nothing until the next issue of Newsweak comes out?

“Dude! You were the guy that crashed the plane into the building in New York! I just got here by blowing myself up near U.S. troops in Iraq! So, where’s my 70 black-eyed virgins?”

“Oh crap, man, you don’t even want to know.”

Where’s your headpiece? Look… they’re rioting over the spelling of the Koran, over a false news story… can you imagine what they’re gonna do to YOU for committing this sin of having you head uncovered?

Gallant wears his finest red headdress to the important conference; Goofus forgets to wear any headdress at all!

“Hey- My finger smells… Mine too. Mine too!”

The finalists for Saudi Idol quickly realized that Mohammed had done them one up by wearing his checkered head-dress.

Will the real Al-Sadr please stand up, please stand up.

((see Slim Shady by Eminem)) :D

Why do you automatically assume, just because I’m the only one here who’s clean shaven and towel-less, that I’m the CIA infiltrator? That’s stereotyping, man!

Alright … no one pick your nose while the camera is still facing this way … not yet … not yet … not ye — NOW!

Who’s this guy speaking? Darth Vader, you say? I like his style.

The competition is tough at the open auditions for season 5 of the hit TV show 24.

Papa…..are you really… MY ..papa?……No, I don’t know what “penguin” means, papa.

See? I TOLD you to use Clorox….

In the briefs you can almost see a bulge.

“11 of us, huh? Figures.”
http://www.joygreetings.com/number11.shtml

“I’d hit it.”

It’s an American joke George Bush told me: Pull my thumb.

“Oil for food? My lips are sealed, Puti-puti.”

Here are three:

~Is the UNSCAM coverup proceeding as planned Jacques? Yes, Vlad, we’ve got a Newsweek story that is to die for running this very week.

~Hey, did you catch Condi in those boots? GRWWWW!

~The plans for the Death Star will soon be in our hands, and the rebellion will be crushed. All that has happened is as it was foreseen.

Rock covers paper, Chirac wins!

Hooonneeee, who *is* this funny-smelling guy and why is he looking at you like that!?

“Lyndon B. Johnson, Martha Stewart and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them, ‘What is this, some kind of joke?’”

“PPPffffffttttt”

Lady: Oh my god Vlad, you stink!!!!

Man on left: Good one Mr Putin….Borscht
again for dinner last night?

Putin: Da, it was a bit wet too!!

Thumbo baby!

“As a matter of fact, Vlad, I HAVE always wanted to have a threesome with two world leaders. Is Jacque up for it?”

“I’d buy THAT for a dollar!”

“I will give you 3,000 Swiss Francs and a night with my wife Svetlana if you give me Condi Rice’s phone number”

Grandma Marie’s House of BDSM is not for the timid.

In a forgotten episode of “Batman” — starring Adam West and Burt Ward — arch-villainess Mother Anti-Gravity robs the Gotham City Museum of Modern Art after pinning the security guards to the ceiling, helpless.

“So the chief says we have to stay like this until Al Sharpton leaves town.”

Protect a little old lady? We can do that standing on our heads!

With military and police training slow going in Iraq Coalition officials turned to the TV smash it SuperNanny.

“I may not know much about art, but I know what I like. And I don’t like this.”

“Liked the line, shape, form, value, space, color and texture. And rather liked the bulge.”

“Back in my day, no respectable police department would have thought of hiring a bunch of inverts.”

The introduction of the TV show COPS on the Sundance Channel was met with mixed reviews.

Man, these Turner Prize finalists keep getting worse and worse.

*….. And in that horrifying moment, Sylvia knew in her soul, the alien invasion had begun.

*–Lessee… Stockings falling down over Air Jordans… Yeah, that’s her. Cuff her, Bruce.

* — Tragicly, Wilma never did see the warning label on the police officers, saying “This end UP”

* Feet smell, noses running… yep.

* Tori Amos appears to have aged, somewhat.

* The world of Law Enforcement has been turned umop apisdn

Topsy Turvy , Anyone ?!

She had that effect on men.

“Ooh, ooh, I know! Man! For he crawls on all fours as a child, walks upright as an adult, and then uses a cane in old age,” Putin answered, oddly enough, on Mother’s Day.

I broke it off, but since I’m not the leader of a democracy, I don’t have to answer to you!

“I hereby claim dis territory for de new and improved United Soviet Socialist…eh? Not yet? Hokay…but my patience, it grows thin.”

“How does it smell, you ask? It sphinx! Har! I kill me!”

“Breaking off the Sphinx’s nose was one of the greatest political tragedies of the 20th century.”

How do you stop a Sphinx from smelling?

“Gentlemen, centuries of iniquity look down upon you … no, no, from behind me! Pyotr, have that man’s name taken down!”

All Hail King PUT!!

The Inventor of Viagara just bought the Sphinx and Brooklyn Bridge , too !

“I broke it off, but the owner lied when he said this was a rock climbing treadwall. It didn’t move one iota.”

And it’s a long fly batted deep into . . . oh, NO!!!

If you know it stinks — tell it to the sphinx.

“I broke it off, but … as you can see I have raised my right hand and I will give the Scout’s Honor or recite the Pledge of Allegiance (sans the ‘under God’ part) or slap myself in the face … whatever … just don’t make me go back to Crawford, Texas again.”

Once again the Chinese Textile Manufacturing sector represented a truly HUGE part of the US-Chinese Trade Deficit.

Xihua Xi is China’s most popular opera about the history of the world, drawing sold-out audiences every night. This scene represents the United States becoming a country.

After hearing the song, it was determined that the show was over.

It was the upcoming lap dance segment that terrified Dan.

In an effort to appease China, Taiwan agreed to send its 20 fairest maidens to Hong Kong each year …

See what happens when you start opening McDonald’s in Asia?

Lucas was a little concerned about the casting call for Jabba the Hut’s wife, but all went well and — with the help of modern digital editing — viewers will never notice the difference from far, far away.

“Theeeeeeere she is, Miiiiiss People’sRepublicof Chiiiiina-a-a-a!”

Next on Fox: Who Wants to Marry Michael Moore

Hillary Clinton adopts a new style to appeal to Red state voters in advance of her 2008 run for the Presidency.

Though she smiled bravely for the judges, inside, Gretchen was heartbroken over what she thought of as her “cankle” problem.

Serverina Vuckovic gets fat and sassy to be crowned the Sumo Wrestler Lady Campeon !

She was voted
Suma Cum Laude.

Inside the lovely ladies strutted their stuff on the runway, while outside several hundred “footwear rights” activists protested what they considered “unpardonable cruelty to shoes”.

MOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

“Damn, they found where I put that miserable bitch, Miss Beazley.”

J.

“Plant that tree faster, dammit! I don’t know how much longer I can hold it!”

J.

“…and here’s where Barney buried the shoes he stole from White House correspondents. It’s strictly a coincidence that he only took those shoes of those representing the networks who cut away from the President’s news converence last week.”

J.

“. . . and so we put it here, next to John Kerry’s presidential hopes.”

“And so under the new rules, we put the filibustering senator up to his next in this anthill. In return, we agree to not limit his time.”

“We’re gonna need more pooper scoopers. And Barney, no more eating all of Helen Thomas’ bran muffins. Bad dog!”

Barney was allowed to roam the grounds as a matter of routine. The Bush’s larger dog, Fluffy, on the other hand, was usually put on a secure leash.

(Fluffy reffernce: Harry Potter, “Prisoner”)

So while Miss Beazley causes a gap in the recording, President Bush explains the latest Rove plan on dealing with Senators who obstruct the Republican legislative plans without offering alternatives.

The Goldwater Wing of the Republican Party 1964-2000

“Boys, that bitch, Beazley, did her business on the white shovel so why don’t we take turns using the brown one?”

Woof…woof..rrr…woof

Take it and drink when you’re back home ! The still is outback by the Chief Of Police Garage !

I saw Laura Bush and she is no friend to Hillary ! We’ll all drink to that !

Not a caption, but I swear to GOD he’s looking at that bottle like my dog looks at the steak I’m eating.

Kennedy thought bubble: “Damn. I asked for the BIG bottle.”

Congratulations, your face looks slightly less disfigured than mine does now.

Teddy – “Nuff niceties already. Gimme that.”
Carolyn – “Hush.”

During Yuschenko’s visit to the U.S. Senate, Yushchenko delivered a bottle of Vodka to Senator Ted Kennedy to bribe the Senator from using the word “quagmire” to discuss the Orange Revolution.

Never mind the apparatchnik, baby; he’s been busy helping out the Russian trade deficit one glass at a time, if you know what I mean. You busy, tonight? Don’t worry, I dig jazz.

Ted Kennedy would have been more pleased about being first runner up in the Miss America pageant, but he had his heart set on the bottle of vodka that was awarded to the winner.

Ted Kennedy’s face conveys his disappontment at placing second in the annual “D.C. Spring Break Chili Cook-off”.

Adding insult to injury was the fact that first prize was a bottle of “Head-Be-Small” cranium shrinking formula.

Ted was not amused when he figured out that he was at the annual Mary-Jo Kopeckne Awards ceremonyy… he thought it another Hollywood bash.

Ted – “You go ahead and shake hands, Caroline. I’m not touching him. I’ve already got big bloated drunk face.”

Is this the Toilet Water being bottled and distilled by Arnie ? Whereby , he put an Woman’s face down in the John ?!

TK: That’s enough of nice-nice…where’s the frickin’ glasses? She’s shaking your hand, but I’m just shaking!

Teddy to Viktor
“Ok, buddy, how’d you end up with my tie that goes with my pocket handkerchief?”

Caroline to Viktor
“Ok, buddy, how’d I end up with your pocket handerchief and how did you get Teddy’s booze?”

Teddy says: I’d like to see the cigar that comes with that lighter.

Honey, I shrunk Charles Blondin!

You know, the Chinese may have a point in complaining about Japanese history books. I mean, did Japan really enter China in 1931 to put on a series of circus shows?

“My stick is bigger than your stick.”

“I can’t believe I drew Q-tip duty again.”

- or -

“Cootchie cootchie coo!”

- or –

“First we will ram this up the statues nose for the annual spring cleaning…”

- or –

With the era of disco hair gone, the epoch of hot pink warm-up suits seemingly forgotten and with only a largely useless stick left in his name, Raul decided to end it all. But first he knew he must say goodbye to his passionate marble lover.

“Prayin ta Buddha.. Prayin ta Buddha… Prayin ta Buddha… Hi Buddha… Prayin ta Buddha…”

Bukake With Magic Wand On Princess XENA !

“I don’t know how I got talked into pollinating the freaking lotus again!”

What the?!?! According to Mapquest I should be at the giant Buddha now! Man, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuequerque!

I warned ya, Sarge…the parade ground is wet and slippery!

Goose-stepping was out, but the new style of marching was difficult. And slow. Very, very slow.

They haven’t yet built the combat robot that can do this.

Soldiers watch a demonstration of the latest Field Medical Directive: How to alleviate “Soldier’s Itch.”

What are you doing? This is the drill team practice! Dance team is the next parade ground over….

The Army spent millions on the study that determined marching soldiers coming under fire should duck like this.

New shoes.

Oh, so that’s why you got neutered.

While normally viewed as an asset in arid climates, Pvt. Splitovski a.k.a. “the human divining rod”, embarrassed his fellow troops when they marched on the rain soaked parade grounds.

It’s fun to stay at the Y. M. C. A. …. Y. M. C. A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys …

If we’re attacked by pirates you can use this
awesome ninja move and flip out.

I’ve got happy feet!

The order to split the squad into two teams and catch the enemy in a crossfire went awry when they realized the squad had an odd number of soldiers. A solution was reached when the remaining soldier was ordered to go with both teams.

ONE ENTERPRISING RUSSIAN SOLDIER SHOWS US HOW HE EARNS EXTRA MONEY AS A VEGAS SHOWBOY DURING THE TIME BETWEEN DEPLOYMENTS

Always the showoff, Pvt Silvers shows of his “special” pushup

As he sat in agony, Nikolai regretted his decision to bed the daughter of President Putin.

No, Comrade, having a split personality does NOT qualify you for a section 8.

Russian Soldier Sergei Foofoo demonstrates for other soldiers the Russian Army’s newest salute.

“No I’m not the only one that can do this. My twin at Wizbang can do this too.”

The kids from Chernobyl strut their stuff.

Unable to move for 6 hours, Russian army recruit Oleg Petrovich,was freed by fellow comrades after his repeated attempts to practice the “kick stand.” Russian doctors said the only long lasting effects were a high pitched voice and the inability to “perform!”

Corporal James Brownov wows the troops during a break from drill.

Car bomb? What is this “car bomb” you speak of, Sven?

It’s been 40 years; do you know where the hell you’re leading us, or are you just wandering around?

Ethan and Saul discuss the merits of scheduling “Family Motocross Day” on the Sabbath.

“Say, Saul, why are we the only ones following this Roadmap to Peace?”

[theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Kosher" plays over opening credits]

“Welcome back, Rabbi Anderson. We’ve misssed you. So nu?”

Although many volunteered they had to be sent home when it was recalled that at a funeral for somebody like Yasser Arafat only two pallbearers would be necessary……

Do you think I’m overdressed?

Rabbi Moses Cohen shows off his sea splitting ability at the annual celebration of the Exodus…

“Land of Milk and Honey”? … “We really have to re-think our intelligence gathering system”!!

The first- and second-place finishers of the First Annual Hasidic Backwards Walking Race watch as favorite Herschel Goldberg finishes a distant third.

The Conclave begins in one hour.

“Hey, Michael – I don’t think these disguises are gonna work, and all the staff and I hate what you’ve done to ‘Neverland’”.

In a preview of Star Wars XII, the planet Tatooine becomes inhabited by mysterious “Meshugana.”

“I see dead people,they’re everywhere!”

“Eathan, do you really think this walking tour of Syria was a good idea?”

“Well, we’re all dressed alike, and you’ve got us all going the same direction. Now all we really need is the custom Harleys.”

“Where are all the women you promised us?”

“You left me standing here a long, long time ago. Don’t leave me waiting here, Lead me to your door.”

(The Long & Windy Road, Beatles)

o/~ Anatefka, Anatefka, underpaid, overworked Anatefka o/~

George W. Bush is amused that the others invited him to pull their fingers, but later would realize they thought their European dipomatic easnestness would compel him to fall for it.

In Europe, they call it “Push my finger.”

President Bush, witnessed first hand today, when asked by a reporter, “who didn’t lift a finger to help us in Iraq?”

“Who da man?”

“You da man!”

“No, YOU da man!”

Bush judges the final round of the first annual European Union’s “How I Take Responsibility” contest.

Chirac and Juncker demonstrate the new-wave minimalist 21st century French way of surrendering to a mightier foe before any acts of violence.

Once again Bush was very comfortable with the fact that he didn’t have to point fingers at others for his decisions, having been proven correct yet again.

(notice the shit-eating grin on his face).

It was at that precise moment that the president realised that neither of them had any notion of how a light sabre should be operated.

“You called him Hitler? What a coincidence!”
“And you ‘ave called ‘im ‘Itler as well! Tres magnifique!”
“Both o’ you yahoos are about to git yer a**es handed to ya, ya know that?”

Monseir Darth Bush. Nous sommes les Jedi, here to vanquish vous avec notre finger sabres.

(And you said the EU military is weak. Pas du tout!)

“What the Fuck?”, thought Bush – as both men asked if he had brought Tweetie!

Both you guys are idiots, there is no ONE finger in Rock Paper Scissors.

“Alright y’all…

first one to touch my right nipple gets foreign aid…

Damn, Jacque, you’re right on the money!”

Did you want the Severina Vuckovic Bootleg CD ?! It could of interest , by an Vintage ,of , Bridget Bardot racy postcard ?! How about Star Jones posing in Playboy ?! Do I get my ,Illona Staller Doll , with my Rubber Ducky thrown in ?!

“Tomato!!!”

“Tomate!!!”

“Potato!!!”

“Pomme de terre!!!”

“Look, you two, let’s just call the whole thing off, OK?”

J’ACCUSE!!!!

…..then the secret service agent pulls his mountain bike right behind mine and we continue down the hill.

The Religious Right teaches Bush the secret hand sign for Jesus, known only to members of the church, deaf people, and people who learned to sing “Jesus Loves Me” in sign language in Sunday School.

So even though you guys wear those little beanies, you aren’t Jewish? How’s that again?

John Kerry came this close to beating me, but then God prevailed and struck him down.

Let me tell you Cardinal, any candidate for Pope needs to move more to the right if it expects the support of the GOP in the upcoming elections.

“So, I am trying hard not to appear anxious or interested but I think these qualifications I’ve set out here leave you no choice but to vote for me in the upcoming conclave.”

Just thought of this…

“That’s right, Kerry is hung like a horse.”

Bush regretted it immediately when it occured.

Not watching his hands when clapping and missing.

(It was just to easy)

I’m telling you padre, Rome has got to get some public bathrooms. We drove in and out of traffic for like this for over an hour and never found one. Those dang fountains around every corner didn’t help none either, I swear.

So then the Popemobile tries to cut over to pass on the right, but I had my driver cut him off.

The wall of separation of Church and State is this thick.

“Let’s see if I’m getting this straight : it’s possible that using his right hand he put the nail through his own left wrist, and that he’d already done nailing his feet or ankles, uhh-uh…. but then with only his right hand free he could never have finished the job…….OK, so he didn’t nail HIMSELF to the cross…..got that……OK, now I’m real interested….. so who done it ?”

“Did I see ‘The Passion of the Christ’ ? Two thumbs up your eminence, two thumbs up !”

“In this light you won’t be able to see the shadows – but I am telling you, in Texas the bull comes up behind the cow just like this…….”

“Yup, you can bitch-slap with either hand.”

I swear to God – that bishop over there deliberately bumped me from behind like this.

If Star Jones gets nude in an Hustler Spread and spreads herself , like so , you know ? Would she be the First Black Female Pope from America , hah ?

“Ok, let me see if I’ve got this down…you put your right hand out, you put your left hand out, that’s what you call ‘doing the Hoke-y Pope-y’?”

“Look, I’ve got two left hands!”

“Uhh, your holiness…?”

CAUTION: CHILD ABDUCTION ZONE

The newest solution coming from the Minuteman project reminds drivers to use caution when aiming for families of illegals, because they can sometimes run really fast.

“Reinforce Your Front Bumper And Floor It”

OK, kids, now let’s play “count the illegals”.

The Arizona Border Patrol officers had to quickly replace the new sign after someone had graffitied red crosshairs on the previous one.

Liberals attributed the graffiti to the newly formed “Minutemen.”

Actually it’s an even older sign : CAUTION – Clinton Family running for office.

CAUTION: RECKLESS FAMILIES CROSS ROAD HERE.
—-
“Mommy? Daddy? Shouldn’t we look both ways before we cross this busy highway?”

The new signs were installed immediately after “The Day After Tomorrow” was released–Mexico was concerned that they could not “seal the border” as quickly as portrayed in the movie.

“All the really choice vegetable-picking jobs are going fast, so don’t walk, RUN!! (And bring the kids — they’re closer to the ground!!)

Just a reminder, folks.
It’s every man for himself.
Women and children must watch out for each other.

When corporate America needed a source of cheap, outsourced labor they knew right where to look — under Laurence Simon’s front bumper.

CAUTION: Silhouette Crossing

What’d happened ? Pay Toileteries On Strike ?! Well, it looks like , We’s , too, Wiz Outdoors now ?!

Everyone scatter! Here comes Rather. And he’s got documents!

Mr. Spielberg, I believe we have located an ideal location for the “War of the Worlds” billboard placement.

Dad looks back and laughs, “I don’t have to outrun the INS, I only have to outrun you.”

Cropped portion of the sign: “Uninsured Jaywalkers.”

The Running Man and his family say, “We’ll be back.”

The family that sprints together stays together.

Help us Mr. Liberal!

“Yeah, it’s wierd, these signs have been popping up everywhere all of a sudden. They are along I5 in California, in the Sudan, in Zimbabwe, in Venezuela, in North Korea, and after the last election even in Hollywood — though the ones in Holywood feature stretch limos and porters.”

Next, on Family Fear Factor: The highway-crossing competition!

CAUTION: Three legged Siamese Twin child abductor crossing

CAUTION! Please look both ways before illegally crossing the border!

“But where are the clowns, Quick, send in the clowns, Don’t bother, they’re here”…..Now line them up against the wall!

The new NRA marketing plan, targeting the 3-8 age group, has been a huge success.

There’s a reason kids are scared of clowns.

Filming begins on the latest cult classic remake: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

“The whole thing had turned into a circus for them so Charles and Camilla went with a circus motif for their wedding.”

Working the undercover gig in the security detail at ‘Neverland’ was Wacko Jacko’s biggest thrill.

The Pentagon introduces the more kindler more gentler Army

“Oh, don’t worry little girl, it’s just a squirt gun!”

After his settlement with the University of Colorado went into effect, Ward the Clown started his new career. This one he was fully qualified for, however.

Inspired by the Orange and Cedar Revolutions, a new group of French Dissidents rally for elections to oust a corrupt regime. Viva la bouffon!! Viva la Homey!!

A young person prepares for the Derry [Maine] Canal Days Festival 2005, ready for whatever It wil bring.

Ahmed came to regret telling Mahmoud that he would “do anything Allah wills” to help finance the Jihad.

“Hello Mr. Clown, so where are the f–k’n balloons?”
(Its a tough world)

The annual US Postal Worker family cook-out had been a huge success… but recently laid off, Billy-Bob hadn’t been invited!

Relax, kids. I’ve only got animal porn on my computer.

This Michael Jackson case has gotten a little out of hand.

OK, troops, you WILL ALL ENLIST upon turning 18. Uncle Sam wants YOU!

Rumsfeld has finally decided on a new Secretary of the Air Force.

As part of his transformation of the military, Rumsfeld introduces his new reconnaisannce teams.

Where are the hookers you promised?

Scout: “What are you doing after this, Secretary Rumsfeld?”
Rumsfeld: “I’m gonna bust the Tech. Sgt. that snapped this pic back down to Webelos.”

Rummy: So why are you the only one not in a cubscout uniform?

Boy Scout: Because I’ve already Eaten my first Brownie….

“…and then the Scoutmaster said, ‘A Rumsfeld without rum is like a fish without a bicycle.’

- No, I didn’t think it was funny, either.”

“I’m all for diversity, but who let the Irish in the Boy Scouts?”

Mr. Rumsfield, that reporter over there asked me to pose a question about our uparmored pinewood derby cars that you promised.

Our way around the draft!

Boy Scouts. It’s what’s for dinner.

“Yes sir, and in 3 years, perhaps sooner, you will finally be retired and one of us will emerge to replace you circa 2025.”

Hey Mr. Rumsfeld, you still recruiting for Abu Ghraib ?

“Hey Ma, how ya doin’? Just wanted to call and tell you that I have finally found the perfect woman for me. And whoa, can she ever hug good.”

What is the sound of 40 hands clapping?

I wanna hold your haaaands, I wanna hold your hands!

“Where are all men, where are all men.

Here we are, here we are.

How are you this morning, very well we thank

you……….”

Desperate Democrats have come up with a new solution to “show of hands” votes in the Congress.

Chinese scientists report the first successful human cloning. There appear to be slight superficial differences with the original, but what he heck!

Say what you like about the expansiveness of the Mexican Wave, but wait until you see the compact precision of the Thai Wave.

“The King And All Twenty Of Us”

The New York Yankees have announced their starting pitcher for the opening game of the season. In a surprise move, they’re going with the 28 year old 40-hander…

The study of the common centipede has rocked evolution to the core, showing that while most humans may have evolved from primates, the Chinese have evolved from the centipede.

“And this is Agent Kanya, 007. As you might have guessed, hand-to-hand combat is one of her specialities…”

Quan, at “U-Pick-Colour” (must be said w/ Chinese accent) fainted when she saw her new customer walk in the door.

“oooh! oooh! Pick me! Teacher, Pick me!

Myopist,

Agent Kanya

Obviously her full name is Kanya Linda Hahn.

nyuck nyuck nyuck

May I have a show of hands please? Do we or don’t we have nuclear arms?