Outside the Beltway

Frank Advice

James Joyner · Wednesday, April 28, 2004 · 2 comments

Frank J has some excellent suggestions for John Kerry.

* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don’t talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a “whatever”. This moves you from aloof – which people hate – to apathetic – which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:

REPORTER: “Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?”

MO’FO’ KERRY: “Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I’m going to throw my fist in your face.”

The average Joe – or even the average Steve – would really respond to that.

No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there’s a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, “By the way, I served in Vietnam”, phrase instead as “I’ve killed people before.” Said in a low, menacing voice, it’s also a good dodge to questions.

***

Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, “Keep your damn hands away from me!” and “Get that ugly baby out of my face!” People will be like, “Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof.”

Couldn’t hurt.