Thursday, July 28, 2005
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
Another Rumsfeld Classic
Winners will be announced Monday PM
Rummy had a slightly different view of what constitutes a punch line.
Cut me, Mik; Ya gotta cut me. I caint see nothin’.
Just GiT R’ DONE!
“Rock, paper, scissors” chortled Rumsfeld. As usual, Rumsfeld showed his rocks.
The real Rumsfeld having decided to take a day off to climb Everest in a speedo, the Bush Administration hurriedly brought in a lifesize Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot™ to take his place.
Nobody noticed the substitution.
I hit him like this, I hit him like that
I hit him with a ……………..
“So then Kennedy went like this, and I went like this and BOOM! I hit him right in his pumpkin-face.”
“I think to hear Kennedy is good fighter, yes?”
“Yeah, but he was sober.”
Rummy: “….and then I wanted to squeeze his crummy little chicken neck ’til the little bastard quit squawkin’…….”
Ambassador: “No, no, my friend, it would be beneath you. Perhaps we could arrange a trip for Senator Byrd to Iraq. It would then be my honor to present Senator Byrd with a nasty little “surprise.”
Rumsfeld: “So I held the little hippie twerp like this while Chomps disembowled him…didn’t last long sadly.”
Rumsfeld: “Here, let me show you the proper way to strangle two insurgents at the same time.”
Come on, we touch fists and say, “Wonder Twin powers, activate!” You can do it!
“Tense those stomach muscles, now… You don’t want to end up like Houdini…”
You like Muhammad Ali? Let me tell you something. I dropped that sissy in 60 seconds back in ’73.
“No mercy, no quarter, no place to hide for me or the man. Lefts and rights never came in harder, no mercy, take him while you can.” — Nils Lofgren
Tonight on Battle-bots: Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Rumsfled faces off against Metrosexual Ken!
“Why, I oughta pound you!”
SanF: Shouldn’t that be “Gitmo ‘R Done”?
Float like a butterfly, sting like the 101st Airborne.
“Do the ‘known-unknowns’ one again, Don! The boys love that one.”
“Well, OK, Ibrahim; just for you. As we know, there are known knowns. . .”
“Go ahead, hit me. No seriously, punch me. Right in the stomach, as hard as you can. I’ve been working out. Go ahead…”
Rummy demonstrates how as a young man he played The Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz and the most believable Frankenstein. He was not Dracula (until recently).
Rummy: You guys want two tickets to the Gun Show?
Ibrahim Jaafari: Yes we do
But there’s TWO. Your paper only covers ONE rock, see? I got TWO rocks. I’m too clever for you foreign people.
Rumsfeld: So I’m showing this twit in gitmo how its done. I have this BAM up against the wall and I’m giving her the old in and out. I’m telling him if he was a real man he would tell us where Osama was and then get a piece of this action.
“If you guess which hand I have the quarter in, you can ride up front in the limo.”
I had the bitch bent over and I was banging the hell out of her like this.
Who knew Maureen Dowd was that good?
“I am Corn-holio! I need TP for my bung-hole!”
Secretary Rumsfeld, how do you know so much about ‘Oops, I Crapped My Pants?’
Cause I’m wearing ’em and I just did.
“No, no, no Mr. Rumsfeld, the ZZ Top move goes like this.”
You wanna be a devil with the ladies? Easy!
Hold your arms like this, bite your lower lip and lift one foot at a time.
“This is my invisible scepter I won in a grudge match against Skeletor. And this invisible bo-staff is why Bush chose me to be Defense Secretary.”
I’m going to apologize ahead of time for this one.
Simma’ down now Donnie…..Simma’ down.
Those Oompa Loompas make me so mad I could spit!
I see you too have mastered the Single Downward Palm technique, but can you defeat my Hammer Fists style?
“Here’s my proposal: we box. If you win, I pull-out next summer. If I win, we stay until 2008. Any leader worth a salt should be able to face a dozen terrorists consecutively in the ring. Look at how buff I’ve gotten myself since 9/11.”
“Which hand was I supposed to wipe with again?”
“My left hook has had more of a sting to since I adopted Middle Eastern bathroom etiquette.”
“So tell me again why you cut off the right hand…”
Ambassador: “I thought you were bring us more guns.”
Rumsfeld: “I got your guns right here baby.”
“Yeah, I did standup comedy for a year. I guess you could say I’ve quite literally bombed everywhere.”
Here’s what you do with terrorists…
You rip their pants off, grab their ankles and push their knees right up to their chest. You can guess what to do next (it’s not pretty)… My point is if you want the terrorists to stop, you first have to make them your bitch. They lose their nerve after you make them squeal like a little piglet.
(Note: Is this too over the top?)
Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari signals to his death squad not to kill Rumsfeld. It was all a joke – ha ha. Rummy was immitating Muhammad Ali and …
Out to there, huh?….by jimminy Ibrahim, those little blue pills are an amazing bit of American ingenuity. Not like that ground up rhino’s horn you backwards countries have to rely on. No sirree!
Always a crowd pleaser Donnie does his impression of Happy Gilmore in the batting cage. “OHHHH YEAH!”
via “The Simpsons”
Rummy: “Good old trusty rock, nothing beats it”
Prime Minister: “Poor predictable Rummy, always chooses rock”
“Please get Mr. Rumsfeld a bottle of 100 Valium and some Chamomile Herbal Tea.”
When you ski, you start with the poles like this…
“Aaarrrggghhh! Liberals make Rummy angry!”
No Ibrahim! At Abu Ghraib you stack the detainees five high!
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