Caption Contest
Time for The Early Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Photograph by Korea News Agency/AP
Winners will be announced Thursday
PM
Photograph by Korea News Agency/AP
FILED UNDER: Uncategorized, Contests
Time for The Early Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners will be announced Thursday
PM
North Korean scientists pose with their latest genetically-engineered crop, “Dear Leader Rice.”
J.
“Damn you, Pak, I told you not to use that fertilizer! Now look what’s growing!”
J.
Kim Say:
When lion sleep in tall grass—-
cancel the picnic!
“Idiots! I said weapons, not wheat!” “Now where can we hide all of this before the people see it”
Dear Leader, why are we standing in this 3 foot deep hole in the middle of this wheat field?
Kim Jong-Il, revered leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, looks over his nation’s latest tourist attraction — a field of wheat. Mr. Kim said he expects North Koreans will line up for miles just to get a glimpse of this oddity. Twice each year, tourists will watch as the wheat is harvested then ‘processed’ into plutonium.
Larry: Now, boys, I want you to know that I think you are the best writers in movies today. (the writers are overcome) I want you to know that I’ve had an idea for the next movie I’m going to produce and I want you boys to write it. The writers run and kiss him.
Writers: Thank you. Thank you.
Larry: Oh sit down! Sit down! Sit down! There’ll be plenty of time for that later on. Now boys, here’s my idea…
Third Writer: It’s great!
Larry: You like it huh? (he looks round the table)
Writers: (catching on fast) Yeah, yeah, great! Really great. Fantastic. (first writer is the only one not having an orgasm about the idea)
Larry: (to first writer) Do you like it?
First Writer: (thrown) Yeah! Er … yeah.
Larry: (still to first writer) What do you like best about it?
First Writer: Oh well you haven’t told us… what it is yet…
Larry: WHAT!?
First Writer: (pointing at second writer) I like what he likes.
Larry: What do you like?
Second Writer: (pointing at third writer) I like what he likes.
Third Writer: (pointing at fourth writer) I like what he likes.
Fourth Writer: I like what he likes (pointing at fifth writer)
Fifth Writer: I just crazy about what he likes (pointing at sixth writer)
Larry: What do you like?
Sixth Writer: I … I … I … agree with them.
Larry: Good! Now we’re getting somewhere. Now, here’s the start of the movie … I see snow! (writers applaud) White snow!
Fourth Writer: Think of the colours!
Larry: And in the snow, I see … a tree!
Writers: (applauding) Yes! Yes!
Larry: Wait, wait I haven’t finished yet.
Third Writer: There’s more?
Larry: And by this tree, gentlemen, I see … a dog!
Writers: Olé!
Larry: And gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree, and he piddles on it.
Writers: Hallelujah!
Sixth Writer: Have we got a movie!
Fifth Writer: He tells it the way it is!
Fourth Writer: It’s where it’s at!
Third Writer: This is something else!
Second Writer: It’s out of sight!
First Writer: (finding Larry staring at him) I like it, I like it.
Larry: (suspicious) Oh yeah?
First Writer: Yeah, yeah, I promise I like it
Fifth Writer: Sir, I don’t know how to say this but I got to be perfectly frank. I really and truly believe this story of yours is the greatest story in motion-picture history.
Larry: Get out!
Fifth Writer: What?
Larry: If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a yes-man! Get out! (fifth writer leaves very fast, the others go very quiet) I’ll see you never work again. (to sixth writer) What do you think?
Sixth Writer: Well… I…
Larry: Just because I have an idea it doesn’t mean it’s great. It could be lousy.
Sixth Writer: It could?
Larry: Yeah! What d’ya think?
Sixth Writer: It’s lousy.
Larry: There you are, you see, he spoke his mind. He said my idea was lousy. It just so happens my idea isn’t lousy so get out you goddam pinko subversive, get out! (sixth writer exits) You… (looking straight at fourth writer)
Fourth Writer: Well … I think it’s an excellent idea.
Larry: Are you a yes-man?
Fourth Writer: No, no, no, I mean there may be things against it.
Larry: You think it’s lousy, huh?
Fourth Writer: No, no, I mean it takes time.
Larry: (really threatening) Are you being indecisive?
Fourth Writer: Yo. Nes. Perhaps. (runs out)
Larry: I hope you three gentlemen aren’t going to be indecisive! (they try to hide under the table) What the hell are you doing under that table?
First Writer: We dropped our pencils.
Larry: Pencil droppers, eh?
Writers: No, no, no, no, no!
Larry: Right. Now I want your opinion of my idea … (pointing at first writer) You…
First Writer: (quaking) Oh…
(First writer looks around and then faints.)
Larry: Has he had a heart attack?
Second and Third Writers: Er…
Larry: If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who have heart attacks.
First Writer: (recovering immediately) I feel fine now.
Larry: Well, what do you think?
Writers: Oh! Eh! You didn’t ask me you asked him. He didn’t ask me, he asked him. No, him.
Larry: I’ve changed my mind. I’m asking you, the one in the middle.
Second Writer: The one in the middle?
Larry: Yes, the one in the middle. (the phone rings) Hello, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Dimitri … (all jockey for position desperately trying to put the others in the middle and finish sitting on one chair) What the hell are you doing?
Second Writer: I’m thinking.
Larry: Get back in those seats immediately. (back to phone) Yes… (second writer is gabbed by the others and held in the middle chair; Larry finishes with the phone) Right you. The one in the middle, what do you think?
Second Writer: (panic) Er… er…
Larry: Come on!
Second Writer: Splunge.
Larry: Did he say splunge?
First and Third Writers: Yes.
Larry: What does splunge mean?
Second Writer: It means … it’s a great-idea-but-possibly-not-and-I’m-not-being-indecisive!
Pensive Korean television executives monitor the reactions of a bemused Kim Jong-Il at the taping of the pilot episode of “Korean Fear Factor: Minefield.”
And then we’re going to New York, and Maine and New Hampshire, and Rhode Island… YYyyyyarrrgggghhhh!
(..or is it in his face?) Oh no, it’s just his charm.
(in his warm embrace?) Oh no, that’s just his arms.
If you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss. (That’s where it is)
Oh oh, it’s in his kiss. (That’s where it is)
Stupid Yankee fools, I don’t need their stinking wheat.
a leader outstanding in his field.
Despite the protests of his wife and the Central Committee, Kim Jong-Il did what the voices in his head told him, and he plowed under the crops to build a concentration camp for political dissidents. That’s when the ghost of his father came out of the wheat so they could play catch with Harry Truman’s bleached skull.
And after 40 years of wandering, it slowly dawned upon the crowd that he really didn’t have a clue where the Promised Land was.
“The Hirrrrrrs are arriiiiive weeth the soun uff museeeek!”
Kim: Build it and they will come!
“My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose. You see?”
“So, I have brought you here to ask you. If you’re in hell with someone, and you’re still mad at them, where do you tell them to go? Careful how you answer. There are consequences.”
Kim Jong-Il, revered leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea shows his elite team of hair specialist what he wants his next cut to look like.
Dear Leader considers his next move after successfully throwing out of the Imperialist Americans out of DPKR’s heartland which has been occupied for 225 years (and believing his own propoganda).
Ohio.
Dear Leader, you are right! Standing here without our trousers on is the most delightful sensation, especially within your luminous presence!!
Chamgan-man…chamgan-man…mugo!
[Translation: “Wait for it…wait for it…Eat!”]
Comrade General, I need something wise and memorable for this historic visit to the Number 623 Wheat Farm Cooperative. Put me down for a #31 and pick one from Column A and two from Column B.
“Trey Parker and Matt Stone–see everyone around me? I am not rone-ry!”
Kim shows off his first attempt at farming, pointing out it would be the “biggest harvest from nothing being planted” ever. He then played a round of golf and shot 13 holes-in-one.
#1
After talking about how the United States and the other nations aligned against him have prevented him from feeding the people of North Korea, Kim showed the press where the nuclear weapons launch site would be located.
#2
“hmmm…do I want steamed or fried rice with that?”
Roger
A foreign despot who is truly outstanding in his field!
This wheat is not cut in accordance with Socialist lifestyle! Hack it down to 2cm at once — and send the trimmings to Dear Leader’s wheat reeducation silo for, um, processing!
“I spy wit’ my rittle eye…”
“…and we will continue to flood the world markets with wheat until the United States agrees to pay us One…Million….Dollars!”
Muah ha ha ha haha hah (maniacal laughter)
A dicator in the rye
With Dean as head of the DNC, anything is possible. Kim Jong Il starts campaigning in Iowa for the 2008 primary.
Locusts in a wheat field.
Kim Thrasybulus-Il demonstrates how he secures his tyranny by lopping off the tallest heads of wheat.
“Listen up gang, I’m just thinking aloud here – but with this lie and the wind gusting just before the green – I’m caught between going with a full bore 4 iron, or else getting out the Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher for extra loft and accuracy………so whadda you guys reckon ? Field Marshall Suk, don’t hold back now – Regional Party Secretary Park, chip in here – this requires a team effort……..
“You guys have to start taking me seriously – of course we can get the 2016 Olympic Games here…..”
“Bitchin job fellas – so what’s for dessert ?”
One for the archives : a rare snap taken during rehearsals of the writer-producer-director-leading male singer, Kim Jong “Johnny” Il, and the cast of the guaranteed runaway [no, runaway even faster] Pyongyang hit musical :-
“NUKLAHOMA”
Kim Jong Il and cast during the filming of “Honey, I Shrunk the Nutso Dictator”.
…and if Dear Leader says this is the way to the research station, then indeed, yes, it is the way to the research station, and our joy and excitement at participating in this glorious journey knows no bounds!
So… after he “takes it thru the carwash”, one of us has the honor of “shaking it dry”?
Kim Jung-Il: “My shrine will look nice there…”
“But what will it be made of?”
Kim Jung-Il: “Why else would I demand haircuts!?”
“Ahhh”
“IT WILL BE KNEE HIGH BY THE 4th OF JULY!” — nuke boy wanabe.
Amber waves of… KABOOM!
(shock and applause)
The difference between the way cowboys and ranchers speak, part 37:
North Korean conspirators discover they hired the wrong ones to “plant” their Dear Leader.
J.
“Kyung-Soon, refresh my memory. Why are we here?”
“This is great and all, but how will it help my hair?”
“I knew it! If I build it, they will come…”
After starting his Great Wheatgrass Diet, Kim Jong Il’s entourage seemed a little distant and in a foul odor…uh, mood.
“Suddenly Kim Jong-Il began to get the sneaking suspicion that he was being followed.”
“It made for a rather awkward momment when the Central Committee returned from vacation to discover the entire country had moved out.”
“The Field of Schemes”
“Of course everyone knew that Kim had gotten them lost again, but it was several days before anyone had enough courage to ask.”
Thew are no woaves of bwead in this feild. Burn it down and wexecute the fawrmers until they are dwead!
He knew he had the vision thing, and the racing goggles and the pit crew : now all he needed was a formula 1 car, a helmet, a set of fireproof racing overalls, some gasoline and a race track – and then he would have a “Gland Plee” !
Now THAT would be one up on his father !
Contestant #4 in the KIM IL JONG lookalike contest, I give you MISS EMELDA MARKOS
[APPLAUSE}