Monday, April 11, 2005
Time for the Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners will be announced Thursday PM
…..then the secret service agent pulls his mountain bike right behind mine and we continue down the hill.
I tell you, Father, it’s the same thing every time. I hold my hands slighly apart, somebody snaps a picture, and bloggers use the picture to make dick jokes.
The Religious Right teaches Bush the secret hand sign for Jesus, known only to members of the church, deaf people, and people who learned to sing “Jesus Loves Me” in sign language in Sunday School.
“Then Jeff Gordon comes up right behind him and starts swapping paint…”
So even though you guys wear those little beanies, you aren’t Jewish? How’s that again?
Don’t do what they did in Florida in 2000 with that butterfly ballot staggered list thing. Line up both sides of the ballot evenly and you won’t be waiting two months to get the next pope in office.
John Kerry came this close to beating me, but then God prevailed and struck him down.
lemme get this straight, you’re tellin me that the Pope is now sittin on the right hand side of God, not the left?
Let me tell you Cardinal, any candidate for Pope needs to move more to the right if it expects the support of the GOP in the upcoming elections.
Okay, so my *left* hand is the altar boy, and my *right* hand is the priest … now, say again what happens next?
“So, I am trying hard not to appear anxious or interested but I think these qualifications I’ve set out here leave you no choice but to vote for me in the upcoming conclave.”
So your nuns used a foot-long ruler just like public school teachers did.
Just thought of this…
“That’s right, Kerry is hung like a horse.”
Oh that? It’s a wedding ring. You don’t have one?
Bush regretted it immediately when it occured.
Not watching his hands when clapping and missing.
(It was just to easy)
So which hand did that Israeli and Mr. Syria shake with? I get confused … where’s Condi?
I’m telling you padre, Rome has got to get some public bathrooms. We drove in and out of traffic for like this for over an hour and never found one. Those dang fountains around every corner didn’t help none either, I swear.
Okay from now on I want this much distance between priest and alter boys.
So then the Popemobile tries to cut over to pass on the right, but I had my driver cut him off.
“So then I tried a Thatch weave, but I still couldn’t shake the Red Team pilot off my tail…”
The wall of separation of Church and State is this thick.
“About Tinky Winky. Well, he can’t be gay. His purse doesn’t match his shoes. And, did you ever watch him? He can’t dance! Worse yet, no gay man would ever be named Tinky Winky. Big Long Dong, maybe.”
“Let’s see if I’m getting this straight : it’s possible that using his right hand he put the nail through his own left wrist, and that he’d already done nailing his feet or ankles, uhh-uh…. but then with only his right hand free he could never have finished the job…….OK, so he didn’t nail HIMSELF to the cross…..got that……OK, now I’m real interested….. so who done it ?”
“So you figure that Michael Schumacher should have taken him on the inside just before the corner……?”
“Did I see ‘The Passion of the Christ’ ? Two thumbs up your eminence, two thumbs up !”
“Nope, I’m not shittin’ you cardinal : I reached out with my left hand to clasp his arm and my right hand to shake his hand – he looks me straight in the eye and smiles, and WHAZZAM – my wristwatch is gone…..at the Holy father’s funeral ! ….I tell you, that Jack Chirac feller has a whole lotta pain comin’ to him…..”
“In this light you won’t be able to see the shadows – but I am telling you, in Texas the bull comes up behind the cow just like this…….”
“Well, since you’re asking, I gather that Clinton used to hold Ms. Lewinski’s head just like this…..”
“Yup, you can bitch-slap with either hand.”
“As you can see your famousnessness, I keep both of my hands cocked and ready to take out terrorists.”
I swear to God – that bishop over there deliberately bumped me from behind like this.
Well ! Could Wolfowitz be The Pope with my Armored 7th Cavalry Airborne Division ? Maybe ,make an precisive Pinzer Movement ?! How about an Three Prong Attack on The Vatican ?
If Star Jones gets nude in an Hustler Spread and spreads herself , like so , you know ? Would she be the First Black Female Pope from America , hah ?
If , Star Jones gets nude in an Hustler Spread and spreads herself , like so , you know ? Would she be the First Black Female Pope from America , hah ?!
“Ok, let me see if I’ve got this down…you put your right hand out, you put your left hand out, that’s what you call ‘doing the Hoke-y Pope-y’?”
“So the priests come up from behind… like this?”
“Look, I’ve got two left hands!”
“Uhh, your holiness…?”
“..and then he went like this, so I went like this, and BOOM, I nailed the son-of-a-bitch with a right cross.”
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