Thursday, January 12, 2006
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners will be announced Monday PM
I know I’m going to lose it….these idiots are going to have me in tears next.
Patrick Leahy reacts after discovering Ted’s not exclusively a windbag out of his pie-hole.
Biden: “Ginger v. MaryAnn? I think the American people have the right to know your position, Judge.”
Gee-awd, do I sound that f’ing stupid?!?!
..three little monkeys jumping on Alito, one fell off and bumped his e-go, Bush called the doctor and the doctor said, “no more monkey’s jumping on Alito!”
Speaking of monkeys, “see nothing good, hear nothing good, say nothing good”
“Judge Alito, can you tell us how many judges sit on the Supreme Court?”
“I’m afraid I’ll have to go on record as having serious reservations toward your possible confirmation, due to your lack of basic knowledge and your insistence in answering my question in German.”
“Geesh, if only they coulda fitted one of those hair plugs to Joe’s mouth……”
“Oh boy another Three Stooges picture!”
“Man I need a drink and Teddy won’t share.”
“Got a headache?” “Take two assholes and call me in the morning.”
“I have got to stop letting Biden look at my notes before these hearings. That’s the fifth time he’s asked one of my questions!”
Taking a break from questioning the Supreme Court Nominee, Ted Kennedy works on his next children’s book: “Splash The Dog Pays The Cubans To Kill His Master’s Brothers Because They Didn’t Share That Hot Piece Of Ass Marilyn Monroe With Him.”
Leahy: ‘Man, it just ain’t right. JFK and Bobby taken down by assassins’ bullets. And this insufferable POS to my left can’t even get run over by a bus. What are the odds?’
Senator Kennedy’s bourbon belch is overwhelming, wearing down Patrick Leahy and instantly aging Joe Biden like that one episode of Star Trek.
It reminds me of the SNL take on the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. “Do you prefer softcore or hardcore pornography?”
written on the senators hand:
remember to call Alito a Racist, Bigot, Homophobe who is a dangerouse extremist, if that doesn’t work make his wife cry.
Leahy: Dammit, Kennedy just farted again and Biden wont shut up, what were those words again?…Oh yeah, Serenity Now!
Leahy covers his nose after smelling that all to familiar stench of defeat.
“I can’t believe I drew Kennedy to be my designated diver — er, I mean driver — after tonight’s happy hour.”
Kennedy to Leahy:
“Okay, Pat, here’s another one. 12 Down.
5 letter word for ‘off the wagon’ “.
In Texas, we shoot lame horses.
See no evil.
Hear no evil.
Speak…until the sound of your voice rambling on and on about G*d knows what drives people in the room to wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to drive hot 8″ nails into their eyeballs and throw themselves under a speeding train rather than listen to one more of your vapid inane statements!
From right to left:
The Daft, The Drunk, and the Disbelieving
Leahy: I can’t believe Biden is going on like that. And Teddy bogarted all the Chivas Regal.
* This defines “A target rich environment”
* See no Evil, Drink No Evil and Oops, never mind.
* “Oh, man…. There are times when even I can’t believe I’m doin’ this shit”
* “Boy, am I glad I’ve talked Teddy outta that subpoena for the bar tab of Alioto’s sorority”
* “Well, they predicted his bladder would be the second thing to go after his liver…”
* “Ooh… That Absolut Pepermint is giving me a brain freeze…. How the hell can Kennedy drink this stuff?”
Leahy covers his virgin eyes as Alito gets fed up with the hearings and moons the interrogators.
As soon as Biden asked Alito if he was a Bigot, he had rose and yelled “Bullshit!”.
Leahy thought, you have the patience of a God. I knew after day one this whole spectical was full of bull.
Ted Kennedy, gleefully kept tally of Alito’s “naughty language” outbursts during the whole event.
“Italian again? When do I get to choose what we have for lunch?”
“Ted, have you got your flask with you?”
Sheesh, Ted. Did you fart AGAIN? Oh, sorry, that actually came out of your mouth….
Speak evil, see evil, hear evil.
Must be a hidden camera, Chuck Schumer’s not in the frame.
Excedrin headache # 123.
Even Senator Leahy is thinking to himself, “My God, is there a question in here somewhere?”
Biden’s caption: “Winkin’, drinkin’ and God.”
Joe Biden: “Judge Alito, I’m confused by your inability to convince me that you’ve never been caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl.”
Senator Leahy (thinking): WTF?
Senator Kennedy (thinking): Careful Teddy-boy, remember not to show any reaction whenever anyone mentions a dead girl.
Charter members of CASF (Concerned Alumni of San Francisco).
Honestly, who ever thought our biggest problem would be old white men not wanting to send kids off to war?
While Joe Biden serenades himself, Ted Kennedy calculates how many more years he would have had before he was eligible for parole if justice were truly blind, and Patrick Leahy contemplates President Bush’s appointment of two more associate justices to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace Justice Stevens and Justice Ginsberg.
Joe Biden: “I know some of you think we’re pretty bad, but just remember that for all intents and purposes, Barbara Boxer represents one out of every ten Americans. Things can always be worse, and don’t you forget it.”
While Senator Biden asks Judge Alito what kind of tree he would be if he were a tree, Senator Kennedy corrects all his notes by striking all the extra “o”s from Alioto, and Senator Leahy tries to find a happy place where Republicans are found only in reeducation camps and history books.
While Joey Walnuts laments his loss of stature in the DNC family, Crazy Uncle Junior Kennedy takes notes on who hasn’t been showing the proper level of respect and Patty frets that America is watching and knows that, as Tony always says, there has to be consequences.
Leahy: “I hate to say it, but if I sound half as bad as Ted, Dick Cheney had me dead to rights.”
There are a lot of good ones so far, but I gotta say…
PROPS TO McGEHEE:
Ã¢Â€ÂœI have got to stop letting Biden look at my notes before these hearings. ThatÃ¢Â€Â™s the fifth time heÃ¢Â€Â™s asked one of my questions!Ã¢Â€Â
As the Alito Confirmation Hearings entered their fourth day, Senator Biden neared the end of his opening statement.
Kennedy: “Psst — what’s a five letter word for ‘Supreme Court Nominee’? Second letter is ‘L’.”
Calgon! Take me away!
Did I leave the iron on?
God, I wonder if Alito is getting a migraine from having to listen to this pompous jerk. I know that I am.
Leahy: Dammit, I’m leaking again….
“We will begin the questioning with Senators Blind, Dumb, and Deafening.”
Leahy decides that his wings aren’t worth the effort helping Teddy find his humanity and cries: “Jacob, take me now!”
Biden was angling for the “Big Laugh,” but the longer he spoke the more elusive it became.
Where will you be when your laxative starts to work?
Leahy fears that the press will have a field day with another “I have to go to the bathroom” note, this time penned by Kennedy.
If you just close your eyes you can go to your happy place. Where the democrats get a presidential election majority more than once in the last 40 years. Where supreme court candidates who advocate changing the age of consent to 12 years of age and legalizing prostitution are overwhelmingly confirmed but candidates who advocate actually thinking the words in the constitution mean something get borked. A happy place where Gore is on his second term and the democratic control of the house and senate has continued uninterrupted since FDR.
Then you open your eyes and realize that Rove led you to a point where you are replacing one of only two women on the supreme court with yet another qualified white male and your happy place disappears.
Biden: “…and in closing may I just say, ask not what your country can do for you…”
Kennedy: “Hey, that’s a pretty good line. Wonder if he’ll let me use it sometime?”
Leahy: [thinks] “Please, God — just kill me now.”
One thing is certain:
This sure as hell ain’t the Senate “Intelligence” Committee!
I wonder if it still works…If I push on my eyes hard enough, will I still see colors?
Seen too much evil.
Written too much evil.
Spewed too much evil.
(In the light of day, I’ve slightly revised and corected a few things below. Please delete the previous entry if you can. Thanks, CWA)
Fugue for Dems Scorned (with apologies to Damon Runyan)
ItÃ¢Â€Â™s in my notes right here,
A scholar I revere,
Says TribeÃ¢Â€Â™s a guy who knows when a penumbraÃ¢Â€Â™s near.
CanÃ¢Â€Â™t do, canÃ¢Â€Â™t do,
Larry says AlitoÃ¢Â€Â™s through.
If he says AlitoÃ¢Â€Â™s through,
CanÃ¢Â€Â™t do, canÃ¢Â€Â™t do.
(SENATOR KENNEDY starts singing his part at this time, while SENATOR BIDEN continues:)
(SENATOR LEAHY starts singing his part at this time, while SENATOR BIDEN and SENATOR KENNEDY continue:)
With Larry Tribe IÃ¢Â€Â™ll fight
Sammy with all my might.
Of course, if DujackÃ¢Â€Â™s here itÃ¢Â€Â™s sweet prince good night.
Likes mud, likes mud,
Senate Democrats like mud.
Senate Democrats fling mud,
Sling mud, like mud.
Now Chucky Schumer here,
Can be a horseÃ¢Â€Â™s rear,
He does a great impression thatÃ¢Â€Â™s real sincere.
Lie one, lie two,
A lie told enough Ã¢Â€Â˜comes true.
Larry says AlitoÃ¢Â€Â™s through,
CanÃ¢Â€Â™t do, canÃ¢Â€Â™t do.
HorseÃ¢Â€Â™s rear. I got the mud right here.
IÃ¢Â€Â™m pickinÃ¢Â€Â™ Ballantine,
On ice, this morningÃ¢Â€Â™s fine.
ItÃ¢Â€Â™s got to be at least five Ã¢Â€Â˜til nine.
No chance, no chance,
This extremist has no chance.
If I say heÃ¢Â€Â™s got no chance,
No chance. No chance.
Thanks for the Ballantine,
ItÃ¢Â€Â™s really quite sublime,
Start pouring if you see it fall below this line.
Needs ice, needs ice,
My aide says my drink needs ice.
If he says my drink needs ice,
Needs ice. Needs ice.
Bring me more Ballantine,
My buzz is in decline.
I donÃ¢Â€Â™t give a damn if itÃ¢Â€Â™s not yet nine.
No chance, no chance,
AliotoÃ¢Â€Â™s got no chance.
Ballantine! I got my drink right here.
This is our epitaph,
As people point and laugh,
While we try and pin our failure on devoted staff.
Ã¢Â€ÂœFlop sweatÃ¢Â€Â Ã¢Â€Â“ Ã¢Â€ÂœFlop sweatÃ¢Â€Â
Rusher called our bluff Ã¢Â€Â“ Ã¢Â€ÂœFlop sweatÃ¢Â€Â
Enough is enough Ã¢Â€Â“ Ã¢Â€ÂœFlop sweatÃ¢Â€Â,
Flop sweat, flop sweat.
And just a minute, boys.
LetÃ¢Â€Â™s pull out all our toys,
And make the nomineeÃ¢Â€Â™s wife cry and lose her poise.
No class. No class.
Smears, lies, and nonsense, no class.
We donÃ¢Â€Â™t need no stinkinÃ¢Â€Â™ class.
No class. No class.
So write our epitaph, since we failed to gaff
Sam Alito with our posturing silly chaff.
Epitaph! I got the smear right here!
The three people on earth who talk more than Charles Austin.
Hey McCain, as Oscar Wilde once said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Note to Rodney, to paraphrase Magritte, this is not a caption entry.
Sh*t rolling down hill.
The three-headed monster was dubbed (D) demon.
I coulda had a V-8
The Rogaine Warrior announces the comeback of the greatest superhero team ever formed while Captain Cirrhosis takes notes and Narcoleptic Man demonstrates that his powers have not waned over time.
Yeah, a V-8 gets you away from these clowns faster than a Prius.
I’m a Democrat! D’oh!
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