Monday, August 1, 2005
Time for the Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners will be announced Thursday PM
I’ll be the first:
IED – Improvised Explosive Duck
21st Century Herding – Rumsfeld Style!
When I said, “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck” it was a metaphor.
Now It Can Be Told: Battle Duck Uniform (BDU) Imprint Training at the Karl Lorenz Institute.
It wasn’t exactly Tienamen Square, but the ducks got their point across.
New recruits, according to the military, come from all walks of life.
Clearly, the administration was trying to get all its ducks in a row in anticipation of the new constitution.
Duck, sit. [no response]
Duck, catch. [no response]
Duck, coalate. [no response]
Duck, resist American imperialism. [no response]
There’s only one thing ducks are good for, and that’s eating.
Gunner: “Yes sir, I’ve got all my …err… Ducks in a row, I’m all set for the test firing.”
Bochco’s budget for Over There did not include much for extras.
Senator Byrd and his staff attempt to block the latest military action in the Middle East.
Hollywood offers an updated version of the children’s classic, Make Way for Ducklings.
“Get your head back up, thats not what I meant.”
The Al Jazeera children’s show “Allah love a duck” went political last Saturday as the shows cast of ducks were shown rioting to protest the American presence in Iraq. The star of the show was quoted as saying “quack”.
United Nations diplomats run for their lives as John Bolton makes his entrance after being appointed by President Bush.
Crazy Americans. Put armored vehicle inside fence, let ducks run loose.
Soldier: I know the motto is “Rangers Lead The Way,” but this is nuts!
Soldier: No sir, we are not receiving flak. The ducks blocking my path keep saying AFLAC…yes sir, just like the commercial.
Over hill over dale
As we will hit the dusty trail
And the duckies go marching along
No more blood for Foie gras.
If you think the ducks are a problem, you should see how we handle the squirrels.
Weapons of Mass De-Duck-tion
“Sir, when you said F’ a duck, you were just kidding, right?”
“Get back up here Private, I know I said “Duck!” but that’s not what I meant.
“Whatever you do, corporal, do NOT ‘goose’ it.”
“Go through the enemy like crap through a goose? Check. Go through the geese like crap through the enemy? Not so good.”
The number of suicide bombings decreased substantially when it was announced that there been a typo in the translation. The correct reading should have 72 ducks.
A gaggle of senior Democratic leaders arrive to inspect the troops.
In other news… The US Army’s new IED-detection strategy has ruffled the feathers of a few PETA activists; a protest outside the Pentagon today involved 1,000 PETA members carrying signs “No Ducks for Detection!”
As the military accepts more recruits without diplomas, they are forced to use more visual aids in training.
Remember how clumsy and uncomfortable John Kerry looked on his photo-op duck hunting trip last fall? Well, the truth is out…Michael Dukakis introduced Kerry to the sport when Dukakis was Governor of Mass. and Kerry was Lt. Governor. Last fall’s trip was the first time Kerry had to rely on something smaller than 120 mm to bring down a bird.
Hell, no, corporal…this is not the way John Wayne would have done it in his movies…now move it!
Corporal, you did understand that when I said, “if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck” that was a metaphor, right?
Winner of the Army Cooking School’s MRE contest. Mallard Ready to Eat.
Tired of Pentagon leadership, the cavalry decided the ducklings had the right idea and followed mom.
After asking Rumsfeld for orders on dealing with IEDs, the troops took his suggestion of “duck” a bit too literally.
Soldiers spend a little of their off-time playing “duck – duck – Stryker.”
Alright boys, this is gonna be like shootin’ ducks on a pond. In fact, if we can scare ’em onto that pond up there, it WILL be shooting ducks on a pond!
*But, sir… they’re not heavy enough to trip the land mines!
*Hey, I’ve got an idea for dinner… Pressed Duck. Gun it, man…
Ducks in the desert? Aren’t Ducks supposed to, like, be around WATER?
* Good thing they’re moving off…. I don’t think the armor will hold up under another of their attacks.
What Americans? (quack quack quack)
You make me laugh! (quack quack quack)
There are no Americans in Iraq! (quack quack quack)
The infidel will not dare come here! (quack quack quack)
Wouldn’t they be playing
duck – duck – Smoosh?
Dateline 3/21/53, “Alarm-Geese” by EB White in The New Yorker Magazine:
“The most stimulating piece of news we’ve heard since Malenkov came to power is that the British are using geese in Malaysia to fight Communist guerrillas. THe geese are employed as watchdogs, to sound a warning at the approach of the foe.”
The tragic results of the failure to recruit enough translators for the Coalition of the Willing to maintain communications with their “quack” troops.
Hey kids, you wanna play “Duck, Duck, Tank?”
The ducks all quacked in unison, “It’s rabbit season!”
You can lead a tank to a wadi, but you can’t make it sink.
The complaints amongst the deployed National Guardsmen rose substantially after they learned that duck-herding had been added to their list of responsibilities.
Even the ducks laughed at the concept of the brutal Afghan winters as they headed north.
“Ramadan? Ramadan means dinner, dinner means death! Death means carnage! Ramadan means carnage!” shrieked Ferdinand the duck.
“Hey guys, take a gander at this, um, gander.”
Tim: “There they are!”
King Arthur: “Where?”
King Arthur: “What? Behind the ducks?”
Tim: “It is the ducks!”
King Arthur: “You silly sod!”
King Arthur: “You got us all worked up!”
Tim: “Well, those are no ordinary ducks.”
King Arthur: “Oh.”
Tim: “Those are the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered fowl you ever set eyes on!”
Sir Robin: “You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!”
Tim: “Look, those ducks got a vicious streak a mile wide! They’re killers!”
Sir Galahad: “Get stuffed!”
Tim: “He’ll do you up a treat, mate.”
Sir Galahad: “Oh, yeah? ”
Sir Robin: “You mangy Scots git!”
Tim: “I’m warning you!”
Sir Robin: “What’s he do? Nibble your bum?”
Tim: “They’ve got huge, sharp… er… They can waddle about. Look at the bones!”
King Arthur: “Go on, Bors. Chop their heads off!”
Sir Bors: “Right! Silly little bleeder. One sixteen-duck stew comin’ right up!”
All your ‘tracks are belong to us!
“…and that, children, is how the 631st Armored became known as the ‘Ugly Ducklings.'”
After years of stubborn opposition to French involvement in Iraq, the Chirac government surprised everyone recently when Paris allowed its bravest and most accomplished battalion to enter the conflict.
I hear they’re going to rename Fallujah and call it Mangled Baby Ducks. Because with a name like Mangled Baby Ducks, you know it’s got to be good.
“Where in the hell is that quagmire Senator Kennedy keeps talking about?”
Meanwhile, in Irqwack today…
In Iraq, procreation was no problem for the AFLAC duck who always made new friends easily.
Make a one-time donation