These things are rarely funny, but this one is pretty good.

“Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.”

o Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

o The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

o Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

o “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

o A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

o Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

o The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

o Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

o If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

o A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

o HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

o Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

o Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

o Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

o A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

o Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

o The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

o You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

o What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

o Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Yes, a lot of this is inaccurate; most humor is.

FILED UNDER: Humor, Terrorism, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm veteran. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.


  1. I got a slightly modified version of that under the heading “25 Rules For Being A Good Neoconservative,” which was more inaccurate than this one given the target of the list.

  2. Dodd says:

    Hmm. I know rather a lot of conservatives and not one of them believes any of those things. I guess none of us is a good conservative.

  3. John Lemon says:

    Hmmm… I will disagree with your concluding premise and then disagree with your initial statement.

    Premise: Great humor is often based in truth — pointing out real foibles that we rarely wish to admit.

    Argument: This list is not all that funny. (This isn’t sour grapes, as I am willing to make fun of myself all the time for my beliefs and abnormal weight.) This list sounds like a list of bumper stickers that were rejected because the font had to be too small.

  4. Danielle says:

    OK…what parts are inaccurate?

  5. Hi, Danielle.

    I believe drugs should be legalized–in particular, marijuana use should be legal, whether for medicinal use or not. I’m not the only conservative who thinks this: William F. Buckley has been arguing for drug legalization for years.

    I’m in favor of gay marriage, and even if I weren’t I would not advocate Federalizing the issue with some sort of nationwide ban. This is something for the states to work out.

    I believe drug addicts all deserve our prayers, no matter what they do for a living. Rush is no exception–in fact, I think this experience has made him a stronger talk-show host: it’s softened him a little around the edges.

    I don’t believe Bush lied in his State of the Union address. British intelligence stands by the assertion he made. I don’t think any American president, even ones I hate, would send U.S. soldiers into harms way under false pretenses.

    I believe condoms should be made to teenagers, free of charge–but that abstinence has a place in any public sex-ed curriculum. I don’t think these are either-or propostions.

    I don’t particularly like being stereotyped, though I realize broad stereotypes are a basis for a lot of humor. Not much to be done about that.

  6. paulo says:

    I don’t understand . . . what’s innacurate here?

  7. James Joyner says:


    Most of them are inaccurate.

    -Many Republicans believe cocaine, heroine, and such should be illegal, for example. No one believes prescription pain killers should.

    -Very few Republicans–and certainly not the GOP platform–believe we should get out of the UN.

    –Not too many believe we should “crack down” on medical marijuana use. They do see it as the camel’s nose under the tent, though.

    –Virtually no one believes that moving jobs to India is good public policy. Many believe freedom allows corporations to make that decision.

    etc., etc.

  8. Dodd says:

    Paulo & Danielle: The only one that even approaches being true is the one about creationism but it also exemplifies the problem with all of them: That the kernel of truth is buried under a mountain of nastiness. So, while it is true quite a lot of people have grave, well-founded doubts about the validity of global warming “science,” no serious person believes that “tobacco’s link to cancer [is] junk science.”

    If this is what passes for humour on the left, well, small wonder they’re always seem so crabby. This list *could* be funny but instead it is just ignorant and mean. Perhaps, Paulo and Danielle, you should get to know some conservatives….

  9. Just one more shining example of the vaunted “intellectual curiosity” of the liberal left, I guess. They’re welcome to it.

    And I don’t find it in the least bit humorous, not only because it is enormously mean-spirited but because way too many people believe and act on this kind of nonsense.