Andy Borowitz announces,

The political playing field tilted dramatically today when late-night talk show host Jay Leno announced that the first primary in the nation would be held not in New Hampshire but instead on the Burbank set of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”

“OVER THE PAST FEW years, our influence over the political process has grown bigger than Anna Nicole Smith!” said Leno, accompanied by a punctuating musical “sting” from his bandleader, Kevin Eubanks.

Leno then added,”You know what I mean?!,” accompanied by another musical “sting” from Eubanks.

But the decision to host the nation’s first primary in Burbank did not sit well with Gov. Craig Benson of New Hampshire, who told reporters he was “furious” at Leno.

“Two can play at this game,” Gov. Benson warned. “If Jay Leno wants to host the first primary, then New Hampshire will start stealing his guests.”


Most Democratic hopefuls are expected to participate in the Burbank primary, which Leno said would consist of “a series of motorcycle and motocross events” to determine which candidate was most qualified to be President.

But Dennis Kucinich, an Ohio congressman, said he would sit out the Burbank contest, preferring to draw attention to his dark-horse campaign by fasting for forty-four days inside a Plexiglas box.

Kucinch also announced that his campaign would pass up any Federal matching funds, citing what he termed “a near-total absence of any funds to match.”

FILED UNDER: 2004 Election, , , ,
James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor and Department Head of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm veteran. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.