OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN
Laurence Simon wants to know:
Why is Captain Crunch still a captain? After all these years, why isn’t he an admiral by now? What did he do wrong? What horrible event is holding him back?
My initial response– “As I recall, he was briefly an admiral but he was stripped of his rank after stealing a starship to take Spock back to Vulcan.” — has been challenged by one of the commenters. Perhaps he was indeed offered promotion to Admiral as superintendent of Cereal Academy, but decided to remain behind commanding his vessel because it was more fun?
The real truth is far sadder.
Captain Crunch isn’t a real captain at all. He couldn’t navigate his way out of a paper bag, let alone command a ship full of the roughest, toughest, cereal-eating swabbies this side of Jupiter. He’s really… Ex-Seaman Blart Flozona, infamous womanizer, milk addict, and con artist supreme.
He was booted out of the Cereal Navy for dressing up as “Admiral Hook” and trying to cadge a free trip to Hawaii and 1000 boxes of corn flakes. (The giveaway was when he tried to throw someone overboard with his “hook” and it popped off–yep, that’s right, it’s fake too.)
He spent the next few years as a down-and-outer in Brazil, making the occasional cargo run of Kashi flakes as a deckhand and drowning his sorrows in skim milk. Everyone called him “Captain Flozona” as a token of respect, but the title was strictly honorary.
When Quaker Oats decided the “Quick Quaker Oat” dude just wasn’t going to fly as their new rootin’-tootin’ nasty cereal mascot, “Captain Crunch” was born. Fortunately for Flozona he looked the part, thanks to years of drinking too much milk, beach living, and not nearly enough exercise–and he just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
And the rest is history.
Here “Inside the Beltway” we know the truth. The Cap’n’s career was derailed by Greenpeace and People for the American Way. They alleged he used his contacts within the sugar lobby to capture several lucrative shipping contracts with Jamaican and Cuban cane producers. In addition, there was some speculation whether he had obtained the proper Cuba embargoe waivers from the Department of the Treasury. All not true!
As a career public servant, he does have long standing personal connections with Vice President Cheney and Secretary Snow. But, and this is very clear, as a Cap’n, he has had to sail the seas of many an administration. His connections to the Clinton White House were famous, including suppply of of his famous cereal product at numerous White House coffee hours.
Aside from the fact that he is a commissioned naval officer (Annapolis 1954, football and lacrosse letterman), during Bush I, he held perfectly legal and above-board government advisory posts, inlcuding a spot of the President’s Fitness Council.
During Reagan, he was a close confident of Michael Deaver and Nancy Reagan, and was deeply involved in most of the major decisions of Reagan’s first term, including the 1981 tax cut and development of the Tax Reform Act of 1986. His lobbying was instrumental in getting Senator Packwood to propose the radical rate cut plans and closure of numerous corporate preferences in the taax code.
He was also close to Carter, a fellow Annapolis grad and former shipmate on nuucleeer submarines. They share the bonds of the silent service, and share to this day, fellowship in Habitat for Humanity.
These relationships, currency in Washington, should not be used to impugn the integrity of a true patriot and upstanding citizen. Hands off the Cap’n; promote him now.
All of this is to his credit!
FREE CAP’N CRUNCH!!!
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