Monday, March 27, 2017
Time For The Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners for this contest will be announced next weekend.
“You get forgiven! You get forgiven! You get forgiven! EVERYBODY GETS FORGIVEN!”
We’re going to call him Buddy Christ
Clap yo’ hands,
Slap yo’ thigh,
Everybody come along and join the Holy See!
You boys ready for my Johnny Cash impression?
Lighten up, Francis.
“What am I bid for this Starbucks gift card? Twenty, twenty-five, do I hear thirty dollars? I’m here all night!”
“I’m not sure, but I don’t think you’ll be able to vote on a Prexit.”
So nice to see all you former priests again!
“Okay, guys, one more time…99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. If one of those bottles should happen to fall, 98 bottles of beer…”
White is the new orange.
“I’m getting a name… It starts with a G… Gio… Giovanni. Is your name Giovanni? Yes? [applause] And you are a rabbi — no, a rabbit — NO, a rapist! You’re a rapist! Yes? [wild applause] Thank you, folks, thank you.”
“So I said to Donald, ‘eff the meatloaf, I’ll have the Risotto alla Milanese.”
With Chuck Barris gone, Francis once again thought it safe to take to the stage.
Much to the chagrin of the Church, every minute a new religion or Church is born in the world, and the Pope can only bless them all.
“And that’s how we turn water into wine. Any more questions ?”
“Let’s see… and then you put your left hand in and you shake it all about? Do I have this right?”
Carlo DiNapoli, come on down! You’re the next contestant on Who Wants to be a Cardinal.
“So a pilgrim visitor to the Vatican comes here dressed in all White too. I ask him, “Are you a pope too?”. He says “No”. “Well, you should dress better”. – Thank you. I’ve got a million of them. Try the veal and don’t forget to drive home safely. Goodnight!”.
“I want to make “The Trinity” cool and relevant to the Hip Hop folks, so for now on they’re being renamed “Daddy”, “O’Laddy” and “The Great White Spook” by me…”.
“Hey, the small hat. Everyone wonders about the small hat. I get to wear the small hat. Nobody else in my church wears the small hat. I wear the small hat. But, if you’re a Jew, then everybody wears the small hat. The small hat…”.
“Hey, it doesn’t matter where a pope is from, one thing always holds true. We all talk like Dracula…”.
“Any questions from the audience?”.
“Yes, Holy Father. Can I get my parking validated?”.
“…Vade In Pace. Badonkadonk…”.
“Hey, let’s hear it for the bartender. Sid? Sid?”.
Sadly, the Holy Father’s attempts at observational comedy left something to be desired: “Easter? Let me talk about Easter. A few weeks ago was Christmas. Jesus was a baby, right? Now, here comes Easter. Jesus is 33 years old and dead…. Easter. Easter…”.
Welcome to the Holy C Block!
“All are welcome here. All. Except you. You’re fundamentally disordered.”
“Your Holy Father, what are your thoughts on Charlie Sheen?”.
“What we have here is a failure to excommunicate…”.
“Your Holy Father, how come popes traditionally wear skullcaps?”.
“Well, after Peter started that darn “Fisherman of men” thing, we tried a blue oyster coat and wearing an octopus on the head, but it wasn’t so good on a hot day, so we went with white and a skullcap instead…”.
“Oh when the saints go marchin’ in. Oh, when the saints go marchin’ in. I wanna be in that number – When the saints go marchin” in…”.
“Your Holy Father, why is roquefort so expensive?”.
“Oh, cheese’s price?”.
Well, sadly Jews may not have this guy, but they do have Mila Kunis…
“For some crazy odd reason, I used to think that the Jehovah’s Witnesses were a motorcycle club. Hey, you learn something new everyday, huh?”.
“Your Holy Father, is masturbation still a sin?”.
“Well, you need to stop masturbating”.
“So, I can answer your question…”.
“Well, the church is trying to be more understanding of some matters”.
“Oh, thank you. I was worried because I’ve been masturbating so much in the shower that babies have been crawling up out of bathtub drain…”.
“Your Holy Father, did Jesus ever get angry?”.
“Well, he did get cross once…”.
“Oh, a light bulb just went out over there. He Sid, can you get that big ladder and fix that light?”.
“You’re the boss, Holy Father. They say that Jews like me are good are carrying heavy things made out of wood…”.
“Well, the first Easter was pretty amazing when the stone rolled away. But, the second one when only the Easter Bunny showed up with those “Peeps” and chocolate eggs, not so much…”.
“Your Holy Father, what is the biggest difference between you and Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Moses, Lazarus, St. Peter, Paul the apostle, David, Martha, King Solomon, Aaron, Jonah, Daniel….”.
“Whoa, let me stop you. I’m not Jewish like those other guys…”.
“Sadly, I had to disqualify Cardinal Kushner for not even being Catholic…”.
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OTB Caption Contest Winners
Bonnie Franklin, ‘One Day at a Time’ Star, Dead at 69
The Cult Of Barack Obama’s Presidency
Pope Francis Reveals He Was Once A Bouncer
Vatican to Excommunicate Women Priests