GOP Questions Kerry’s Hamster Heroism

MSNBC – GOP Questions Kerry’s Hamster Heroism

A mass e-mail from the Republican National Committee is questioning whether or not Democratic nominee John Kerry actually saved his daughter Alexandra’s pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning during a family boating trip as she has claimed he did. The e-mail, with a subject line reading “Kerry Hamster Story –We Smell a Rat,” was sent to more than 2,000 news outlets just hours after Alexandra Kerry charmed the Democratic national convention with her tale of the Senator’s hamster heroism. In the e-mail message, the GOP quotes an unnamed witness who claims that not only did Kerry not save the rodent’s life, but he may have actually been responsible for its premature demise.

According to the witness, Licorice was “breathing normally” when Kerry pounced on the hamster and administered “unnecessarily forceful CPR” in an over-the-top bid to appear heroic, breaking several of the hamster’s ribs and puncturing its left lung.

Speaking at a campaign stop in Flint, Michigan, Kerry defended his daughter’s version of events and was joined onstage by several veterans of the boating trip during which Licorice fell overboard, a group Mr. Kerry called his “band of brothers.”

But perhaps the most vehement defense came from wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, who told the gathering, “The Licorice story is true, and if you don’t believe it, you can shove a live hamster in a secure, undisclosed location.”

Later in the rally, Sen. John Edwards retracted his statement about there being two Americas, saying that he had gotten that information from Mapquest.

Developing. . .

FILED UNDER: Campaign 2004, Humor
James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor and Department Head of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College and a nonresident senior fellow at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm vet. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.

Comments

  1. Frank says:

    James, truly great reporting! I love satire, especially when it is served up as well as you have done. Now we need to hear from the DNC lawyers telling everyone that they will be sued for these “lies”.

  2. Kang A. Roo says:

    I might readily follow Mrs. Kerry’s suggestion if I could be assured that Mr. Kerry would come to the poor hamster’s rescue and thereafter give it needed CPR. I want my 15 minutes of fame badly enough that I am willing to bear a bit of anal discomfort to get it.

  3. Joseph Marshall says:

    “The President, asked to comment on the developing Kerry/hamster controversy, said in part ‘I’m not one to criticise a brave effort at CPR, but I see no reason for anyone who wants to be president to run away from results. Results matter. When my Administration spins wheels, they’re not just liberal exercise wheels.’ “

  4. La Femme Crickita says:

    I wonder if Richard Gere was in house? Was
    Kerry confused and thinking the hamster
    needed the coupe de grace?

  5. Secret Intelligence Intercepted
    ****TOP SECRET**** **FOR YOUR EYES ONLY** FROM: Oliver Willis, CPRF (NKVD Station Chief, Boca Raton Consulate) TO: Politburo, CPUSA CC: Kos, Atrios, Drum, Marshall, Jesse Taylor BCC: AS (aka, The Mole) RE: Trotskyite Infiltrator & Other Surveillance Ma…