News Flash: Ted Haggard is Now Completely Heterosexual

Yes, apparently Ted Haggard is now cured of being gay.

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Uhhh…what? Acting out? Oh never mind. Ted’s cured!

FILED UNDER: Entertainment, Humor, LGBTQ Issues, Religion, US Politics,
Steve Verdon
About Steve Verdon
Steve has a B.A. in Economics from the University of California, Los Angeles and attended graduate school at The George Washington University, leaving school shortly before staring work on his dissertation when his first child was born. He works in the energy industry and prior to that worked at the Bureau of Labor Statistics in the Division of Price Index and Number Research. He joined the staff at OTB in November 2004.


  1. Rodney Dill says:

    There’s a cure?

  2. Anderson says:

    Until there’s a cure, there’s contact.

  3. Scott_T says:

    Dude, he’s going to be “cured” as long as his wife stays with him and doesn’t leave with 99% of his property.

    This was the one experimenting with Meth and Male massauses (sp?), right.

  4. Steve Verdon says:


    Yes, that’s right, but he did it just to see what it was like…the fact that he did it repeatedly doesn’t mean a thing, apparently.

  5. legion says:

    “Acting out”? Yeah, there’s a lot of “acting” going on in Haggard’s life… sheesh. Memo for Rev Ralph (love that name!): If he still wants to have sex with men, HE’S STILL GAY, whether he’s “acting out” or not.

    It’s one thing if his position required a vow of celibacy, but Haggard is married & has a family. That means he must suppress his natural inclinations in order to make the Church look good. How psychologically damaging is that? How professionally and morally appalling is it for these jokers to call him “cured”? Ugh.

  6. floyd says:

    legion; Build a thousand bridges; do they call you an architect?? NOOOOOOO!!!;but…….

  7. Mark says:

    He must have been forced to watch that Snickers commercial over and over again…

  8. legion says:

    Heh. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

  9. Rodney Dill says:

    Obviously last nights ‘Boston Legal’ was timed to coincide with this event, or at least filmed because of it.

  10. Gollum says:

    From the linked article:

    [Haggard’s] e-mail said the family hasn’t decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.”

    Heh. In 2004, Missouri’s 2,788 meth labs seized made Missouri the number one state for lab seizures. But I’m sure that’s purely a coincidence.

  11. jeff stott says:

    my dear friend ted:
    instead of “acting out”, how about a “coming out”

  12. anjo says:

    Why are christians so obsessed with sex,sexuality,gender and genitals…don’t these holier than thou bozos have anything better to worry about. Dont they know there are millions of children going to bed hungry everynight, millions dying from hunger and poverty , there is war and famine, environmental disaster in the making, overpopulation, new diseases and catastrophe threatening humanity and all they worry about is whether one is straight or gay or bi? Are this people for real .

    They cannot even practise the most important commandment of Jesus which is to love GOd with all your heart and immediately to love your neighbour ( irregardless of their sexuality)as Yourself. It seems that Evangelicals and their ilk are mere show-business ‘christians’ whose core concept of morality seems to center around sex,gender and genitals LOL. To them ,i suppose it is preferable to be a heterosexual drug dealer than to be a homosexual philanthropist…..such is their twisted sense of morality.

    child of the Cosmos