Anticipatory Retaliation posts a list of 213 mostly amusing quips and observations from a, likely apocryphal, “SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans.”

Some favorites:

7. Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

29. The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms’.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

55. An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny’ does not involve electrical tape.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

These are likely funnier if you’ve been in the military.

James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor and Department Head of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm veteran. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.


  1. Dodd says:

    I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers’.

    Dennis Kucinich will be very disappointed.

    Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

    He met Helen Thomas?!?

    And why *isn’t* he allowed to sing “Eskimo Nell” in cadence…? And I’d have thought that a suggestion that Marines might be gay was *always* allowed in the Army (unless Marine Corps officer is present. Of course).

  2. JW says:

    They’re funny even if you’ve never been in the military–Schwartz is a walking MASH 4077 of fun. Loved the link 🙂