Cicadas

Tony Kornheiser has a terrific column on the plague that’s supposed to be hitting the DC area:

The way the cicada invasion has been explained to me, first the cicadas crawl out from their 17-year hibernation in the soil. Then they shed their shells and fly around like maniacs, creating a wall of noise that is even worse than listening to William Hung and Fran Drescher croon, “Endless Love.” Then they begin carrying off household appliances, small children and jockeys. Then they mate. They then smoke a cigarette, and go back into the ground to await the Wizards making the playoffs. Yes, the Wizards are on a cicada cycle themselves — one win in the playoffs in the last 17 years.

***

You’re crazy, Tony. They’re harmless little bugs. All the scientists say that cicadas are simply annoying.

No, Hannity and Colmes are simply annoying. Cicadas are a clear and present danger. And please don’t tell me about what scientists say. Scientists are just weathermen with real academic degrees — not those phony-baloney certificates from the “American Meteorological Society.”

Heh.

Hat tip: Mark Hasty

The best Kornheiser column I’ve ever read was the one about the 2000 election, which had the immortal lines, “When you heard Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres broke up, how many of you thought Heche would be the one to go nuts? Chicks. Go figure.”

FILED UNDER: Humor
James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor and Department Head of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College and a nonresident senior fellow at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm vet. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.

Comments

  1. bill k says:

    Great column, thanks for brining it to my attention.

  2. Moe Lane says:

    …They got big orange eyes that just don’t focus/
    some people call them 17-year locusts/
    But that’s the wrong data/
    Their name is cicada/
    And they may be here now/
    But they won’t be here later/
    They got four wings/
    But they ain’t supposed to fly/
    They crawl out of the ground/
    Have sex and die/…

    This is an actual rap song; the Pheremones, I believe.

  3. Blogeline says:

    This is great.
    I love it when he asks: “How many times has Bob Ryan gotten the snowfall prediction wrong these last 17 years?”

    So, get your beekeeper’s suits!!!!

  4. JW says:

    I understand cicadas don’t bite, don’t sting, don’t even notice that people are around. I don’t care. The “alien flying-saucer invasion” humming sound two years ago when they came out in Mississippi almost drove me around the bend.

  5. The Cicadas are coming
    Tony Kornheiser is one of those guys that, in my opinion, is constantly funny. Yet, somehow he is still able to write new articles that make me like him even more; you would think I would have reached my peak.