Tony Kornheiser has a terrific column on the plague that’s supposed to be hitting the DC area:
The way the cicada invasion has been explained to me, first the cicadas crawl out from their 17-year hibernation in the soil. Then they shed their shells and fly around like maniacs, creating a wall of noise that is even worse than listening to William Hung and Fran Drescher croon, “Endless Love.” Then they begin carrying off household appliances, small children and jockeys. Then they mate. They then smoke a cigarette, and go back into the ground to await the Wizards making the playoffs. Yes, the Wizards are on a cicada cycle themselves — one win in the playoffs in the last 17 years.
You’re crazy, Tony. They’re harmless little bugs. All the scientists say that cicadas are simply annoying.
No, Hannity and Colmes are simply annoying. Cicadas are a clear and present danger. And please don’t tell me about what scientists say. Scientists are just weathermen with real academic degrees — not those phony-baloney certificates from the “American Meteorological Society.”
Hat tip: Mark Hasty
The best Kornheiser column I’ve ever read was the one about the 2000 election, which had the immortal lines, “When you heard Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres broke up, how many of you thought Heche would be the one to go nuts? Chicks. Go figure.”