Open Letter to Pumpkin Flavored Seasonal Treats
McSweeney‘s “AN OPEN LETTER TO PUMPKIN-FLAVORED SEASONAL TREATS” is hysterical. Here’s a taste:
So you’re back. You just come waltzing into town like nothing has happened, like nothing has changed. Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one who left for a year with no explanation, no warning. No note. And I’m just supposed to be okay with that?
Well, I’m not. A lot has changed in the last year. I’ve moved on. I tried going vegan, did you know that? Of course you didn’t. You know why? Because you never bothered to call and check in. I had a fling with peppermint in December, but that didn’t last long. I never really got over you.
Do you know what it was like for me after you disappeared? I was a wreck. I couldn’t get out of bed; there was nothing to look forward to. I started visiting the places we spent time together, on the off chance you might be there. But no matter where I went, the fact was that you were gone. Worst of all, it seems that I was the only one who noticed. Signs advertising your presence remained up. Commercials encouraging me to consume you in mass quantities flooded my television and haunted my dreams. You were everywhere and nowhere, all at the same time.
If I had realized how temporary your presence in my life would be, I would have done things differently. I would have cherished the time we spent together more. I would have taken more pictures. I would have told you I loved you each and every single day. If only I knew it was all going to end, I would have planned ahead. I would have stocked up. If only.
But like I said, things are different now. I’ve changed. I’m strong now. I’m not the same girl who needed you, yearned for you and cried when you weren’t around. I am an independent, self sufficient woman, who refuses to be tied down. Especially to something that can’t handle hanging around for more than a three month period of time. So screw you, you commitment phobic piece of crap.
While the letter is satirical, the sentiment behind it is all too real. See “Way Too Excited About Coffee With Pumpkin Syrup in It.”