War on Fat
Via Jacob Grier:
Breaking new ground in the effort to fight the nationÃ¢€™s battle of the belt, Congress met late Friday night to pass the Uniting and Strengthening America by Limiting and Obstructing Wicked Fatty Arsenals of Terrorism (USA LOWFAT) Act of 2004. The Act grants the government sweeping new powers to combat obesity, an effort the lawÃ¢€™s supporters say is just as pressing as the War on Terror.
Ã¢€œAs we look to the future and where childhood obesity will be in twenty years, it is every bit as threatening to us as is the terrorist threat we face today. It is the threat from within,Ã¢€ said U. S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona. Ã¢€œ[It is] a threat that is every bit as real to America as the weapons of mass destruction.Ã¢€
The most notable aspect of the USA LOWFAT Act is a heavy tax on all fatty and sugary foods. Other features include banning advertisements for unhealthy foods that appeal to children, making it illegal to sell soft drinks in public schools, and creating a color-coded Homeland Obesity Advisory System. Ã¢€œEvery vending machine is a cache of chemical and biological weapons, every fast food restaurant a terrorist cell, every kidsÃ¢€™ cereal icon an Osama bin Laden of sugary fundamentalism,Ã¢€ said Carmona, introducing the new measures.
Ã¢€œOne of our greatest challenges is the needed cultural transformation from a treatment-oriented society to a prevention-oriented society. With this law we take a pre-emptive strike in the new War on Fat,Ã¢€ Carmona said in a prepared statement.
The most intrusive section of USA LOWFAT is the creation of specially-designated Ã¢€œfat accessibleÃ¢€ parking spaces. Like the handicapped spaces that currently exist, these fat accessible parking spots will be required at all commercial facilities. Unlike handicapped spaces, however, fat accessible spaces will be located as far from a buildingÃ¢€™s entrance as possible so that the nationÃ¢€™s obese will be forced to walk. Ã¢€œWeÃ¢€™ve got plenty of science to tell us what we need to do,Ã¢€ Carmona said. Ã¢€œGet moving!Ã¢€
To ensure compliance, state agencies will be required to measure the height and weight of people applying for or renewing their driversÃ¢€™ licenses. Those who are deemed to be more than twenty percent above their healthy body mass will be assigned a license plate bearing the new obese driver icon. Cars with the icon found parked outside of designated fat accessible spaces will be subject to a fine of up to $500.
While this is a parody–compiled from actual quotes from anti-obesity activists —Julian Sanchez predicts it will come true sooner than we think, further illustrating the principle of reductio creep. I have little doubt.
We’ll have to do something about bakery violence. You’ve been there. You are in a bakery minding your own business and scanning the wares. Then some pie with an attitude says “What are you lookin’ at? You want a piece of me?” Next thing you know the knives are out.