FRENCH MILITARY HISTORY

More French bashing, via forwarded e-mail:

For the Francophiles among us, here is the newly compiled Complete Military History of France:

– Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

– Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

– Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars to Italians.

– Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

– Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other combatants lost interest.

– War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

– The Dutch War: Tied – War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles to label the period as the height of French military power.

– War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

– American Revolution: France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

– French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

– The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

– The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France’s ugly-girl-home-alone-on-a-Saturday-night.

– World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the U.S. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

– World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

– War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu – Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

– War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Iraqis, Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

FILED UNDER: Humor, Iraq War
James Joyner
About James Joyner
James Joyner is Professor and Department Head of Security Studies at Marine Corps University's Command and Staff College and a nonresident senior fellow at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council. He's a former Army officer and Desert Storm vet. Views expressed here are his own. Follow James on Twitter @DrJJoyner.