“Our Daughter Isn’t a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn’t Read Atlas Shrugged”

Good parenting, Objectivist style.

When little Aiden toddled up our daughter Johanna and asked to play with her Elmo ball, he was, admittedly, very sweet and polite. I think his exact words were, “Have a ball, peas [sic]?” And I’m sure you were very proud of him for using his manners.

To be sure, I was equally proud when Johanna yelled, “No! Looter!” right in his looter face, and then only marginally less proud when she sort of shoved him.

The thing is, in this family we take the philosophies of Ayn Rand seriously. We conspicuously reward ourselves for our own hard work, we never give to charity, and we only pay our taxes very, very begrudgingly.

Since the day Johanna was born, we’ve worked to indoctrinate her into the truth of Objectivism. Every night we read to her from the illustrated, unabridged edition of Atlas Shrugged—glossing over all the hardcore sex parts, mind you, but dwelling pretty thoroughly on the stuff about being proud of what you’ve earned and not letting James Taggart-types bring you down. For a long time we were convinced that our efforts to free her mind were for naught, but recently, as we’ve started socializing her a little bit, we’ve been delighted to find that she is completely antipathetic to the concept of sharing. As parents, we couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.

That’s why, when Johanna then began berating your son, accusing him of trying to coerce from her a moral sanction of his theft of the fruit of her labor, in as many words, I kind of egged her on. Even when Aiden started crying.

You see, that Elmo ball was Johanna’s reward for consistently using the potty this past week. She wasn’t given the ball simply because she’d demonstrated an exceptional need for it—she earned it. And from the way Aiden’s pants sagged as he tried in vain to run away from our daughter, it was clear that he wasn’t anywhere close to deserving that kind of remuneration. By so much as allowing Johanna to share her toy with him, we’d be undermining her appreciation of one of life’s most important lessons: You should never feel guilty about your abilities. Including your ability to repeatedly peg a fellow toddler with your Elmo ball as he sobs for mercy.

Look, imagine what would happen if we were to enact some sort of potty training Equalization of Opportunity Act in which we regularized the distribution all of Johanna’s and Aiden’s potty chart stickers. Suddenly it would seem as if Aiden had earned the right to wear big-boy underpants, and within minutes you’d have a Taggart Tunnel-esque catastrophe on your hands, if you follow me.

Johanna shouldn’t be burdened with supplying playthings for every bed-wetting moocher she happens to meet. If you saw Johanna, her knees buckling, her arms trembling but still trying to hold aloft the collective weight of an entire Tot Lot’s worth of Elmo balls with the last of her strength, what would you tell her to do?

Much more at the link.

FILED UNDER: Humor, Parenting, Quick Takes,
Alex Knapp
About Alex Knapp
Alex Knapp is Associate Editor at Forbes for science and games. He was a longtime blogger elsewhere before joining the OTB team in June 2005 and contributed some 700 posts through January 2013. Follow him on Twitter @TheAlexKnapp.

Comments

  1. Franklin says:

    (chuckles)
    /But I don’t recall the sex scenes in Atlas Shrugged being ‘hardcore’ …

  2. John Burgess says:

    What a hoot!

  3. An Interested Party says:

    Hehe…

    “As parents, we couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.”

    Perfect…

  4. Juneau: says:

    This story is so obviously analogous that it amazes me the libs are biting.  Seriously?  A toddler calling another toddler “looter?”  Please.
    You’ve been had.

  5. Alex Knapp says:

    When you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny anymore…

  6. Obligatory Simpson’s:

    “Do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for a bottle?”
    “Ba-ba?”
    “She’s saying, ‘I am a leech‘! Our aim here is to develop the ‘bottle within’.”

  7. An Interested Party says:

    *Psst* Hey, Juneau, we’re well aware that this story isn’t meant to be taken literally…thanks so much for the heads up, though…it’s so nice to know that you care…