OTB Caption Contest
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
REUTERS/Jim Urquhart
Winners will be announced after Tuesday PM.
REUTERS/Jim Urquhart
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
Time for the Thursday OTB Caption ContestTM
Winners will be announced after Tuesday PM.
“thanks bro….I don’t know how you did it but sending Fielder to the Rangers was a miracle”
The camel phone is out again.
Figures, you can’t call collect.
(might be a little dated in the cell phone age)
Busy again.
” We’re sorry. That number is no longer in service.”
The inevitable reaction when one figures out they are really talking to Friedrich Nietzsche.
He was waiting for God to call back when a salesman called offering money, power, and fabulous sex for the price one small soul that he wasn’t using anyway.
“OK God, I get it, you’re a stand up comedian playing to an audience who is afraid to laugh. Can we talk about my problems now?”
He finally figured out that the sign painter was dyslexic after 5 minutes of “Woof? Woof woof woof woof. Woofywoof wuff woof wuff wuff waffwaffwaffwaff. Weff wiff?”
I gotta go to work. You guys are on your own now.
“Hey, it’s that Bob Newhart phone comedy routine…”.
Smarl Aleck Guy: “I’d like to report a housefire”.
Fire Dispatcher: “How do we get there?”
Smart Aleck Guy: “Duh, big red truck?”
“God, why have you forsaken me?”
“Hello Marty Allen….How about reviving that phone comedy routine?”
“You may already be a winner…”
The #1 worst location for phone sex ever….
“Oh, things could be worse….This place sure beats Detroit…”
” Hello, God?”
“No, this is his son, baldheaded Christ…”
“Oh God!”
“No, Christ…”
“I know, I don’t even answers prayers for the pope either…”
“Hello God, I have low T….How about a miracle?”
“God I have this question on my mind for years. I’ve searched for the answer for years. Here’s my question God? – Do you think the actor Ned Beatty was typecast after that “squeal like a pig” scene with those mountain men in DELIVERANCE….Hello, God? Hello…You still there….I think he might have hung up…”
“Hello God. Ned Beatty was an acomphlished Gospel singer….So why’d he do that mountain man underwear scene in DELIVERANCE? I need to know?”
“Hello God. Ned Beatty here? Please send me another opportunity to do another mountain man underwear scene to me….Thank you, God. You’ll never regret it!”
“Hello God? What in hell is wrong with those Obamacare computers anyway?’
Jay Leno: “Thank God For Mayor Rob Ford”
David Letterman: “Thank you so much for your great gift of Rob Ford”
Jon Stewart: “Thanks God. I appreciate that Rob Ford gift”
Conan O’Brien: “Many thanks for this gift of Rob Ford”
Stephen Colbert: “Hey, thanks for this great gift of Rob Ford”
Rob Ford: “Huh? What?”
A very religious Black man tries for years to join a segregated church in his small town, but he gets turned away each time.
“Lord, I’ve tried for years to get into that church…”
God responded, “Don’t worry about it son. I’ve tried for years to get into that church myself…”
A young man doesn’t want to get out of bed and go to church. His mother keeps shouting upstairs for him to get out of bed to go to church, but he refuses to get up.
“Maw, give me two reasons why I should go to church?”
“Okay! One…I’m you’re mother. Two….You’re the pastor!”
Paul Hooson: “Thank you Lord for housefire jokes….For Mayor Rob Ford…For Ned Beatty…”
Paul Hooson: “Lord, thank you for the companionship of my pet dog…Hey, owwww! Forget it, he just chewed up my thumb!”
Yeah Mommy, (sniff) then they made fun of my Hammer Pants
“What do you mean by you don’t deliver?”
“Hi, is this Neil Peart?”
“…and please make it something fitting, like turning his whole building pink. Amen.”
“God, what’s the deal with the Pay Phone?”
“For Allah, press 1…”
“See you soon? …What the heck do you mean by that?”
“Please hold. The next available representative will be with you shortly. Your approximate wait time is…..*static* We appreciate your business!”
“I don’t understand why you’re upset, Lord.”
“There’s no sentence in the Gospels which says ‘except Jerry.”
@OzarkHillbilly:
No camels there — that’s Burning Man
Heaven’s Automated Voice Machine: “For The One God, press one, For Obama, press two. En Espanol, numero tres, for Yahweh, press 4, for The Buddha, press 5, for Allah,press 6. For all other gods please call1-800-666…”
Penitent caller: “But she swore she was eighteen…”
“Mom? Is that you? I always knew you had special powers, but I never thought you really were Omnipotent!”
One from my favorite author…
——————————————
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful [as the Babel fish] could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.
The argument goes like this: “I refuse to prove that I exist,” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”
“But,” says Man, “The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED.”
“Oh dear,” says God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly disappears in a puff of logic.
“Oh, that was easy,” says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo’s kidneys, but that didn’t stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God.
Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
@Paul Hooson: OK. Paul wins.
Alright, one more I thought of while hanging drywall:
“Hello God? Why do you hate me? Uh huh… uh huh… uh huh… WHAT??? That isn’t even a sin! The 4th huh? Oh well, but that’s it right? Wait wait wait… oh wait a minute, wow I forgot all about that. You really going to hold that against me? Ok ok. What else? The 1st commandment?!?!?!???? Wait a minute… She was only fourteen!!! Well, OK, but you gotta admit, she was pretty hot. The 5th too? Well that’s easy for you to say, they weren’t your parents! WHAAAAT??? THAT IS THE 7th????? Oh to HELL with this! Have fun God.
“By the way, just out of curiosity, how many souls you got up there in Heaven with you? 3? That’s all? Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh… Pretty boring up there, eh? Well, you know what they say, “Better to laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints.” I’ll be talkin’ with ya God… Oh yeah, I guess not.”
Caller: “No, let me start again. One half pepperoni and one half pineapple, one with extra cheese…”
@rodney dill: C’mon Rodney, you know the drill. If a man answers, hang up.
If you’re God, how come you don’t have Skype?
I hear Lily Tomlin saying, “Because we’re the phone company, which might as well be God to you.”
Hangover IV
But the recruiter said there’s a girl behind every tree…
It’s for you again George. Who is it Gracie? Well, I’m not completely sure. It’s either the son of man or the Son of Sam.